I miss Stevie every single day. Some days though, and I don’t know why, it hits me with such force. It’s been almost a year since she passed. It’s cliche, but it feels like ten years and also like just yesterday that I was kissing her amazing lips and acting like a complete fool to get her to show me that grin and hear that stifled giggle. Not a day passes that I don’t think about the ridiculous words that came out of her mouth. Her perfect mouth, remember.
I laugh out loud when I think of the time she told the Costco employee to “get the damn watermelon.” Or when she lectured my cousin by screaming at the top of her lungs, “HEATHER, YOU DON’T DO DRUGS!” (Heather doesn’t use drugs for the record). There is such a long list of Stevie quotes and stories and for that I will be forever thankful.
We are still experiencing all of the firsts without her. This will be the first Halloween trick-or-treating without her. The seconds seem like they might be just as hard though. I suppose there becomes a new normal. I know that the new reality is one in which her memory will forever live. And I know that even though it feels unfair for her to have left this earth so early, we are so lucky to have had her for the time we did. Our family is stronger because of her.
Love you so much Stevie Ann!
A couple of weeks ago my sister told me she had a dream that I had a baby. I was immediately like, “Oh no! Was I a nervous wreck in the dream? Did I check on the baby every 30 seconds to make sure he/she was still breathing?” Jess assured me that it was all good. It was a boy and things seemed great. Her dream has no idea what the reality would look like.
Ever since she told me that I’ve been a little bit panicky. Like what if something crazy happened and I got pregnant? That would not be good, my friends. No, I do not hate children. I actually really like kids. Rob and I have just decided that it’s not something we’re going to embark on together. We’ll enjoy his daughter and our pets. I mean Rob is not a spring chicken. He looks like a spring chicken and acts like a spring chicken (totally rides his bike like one), but his drivers license says otherwise. And remember, I’m a bit of a neurotic mess, so there’s that.
Who can afford kids these days anyway? I get together with my girlfriends and they talk about all the lessons their five kids are in (yes, I said five) and I start getting heart palpitations. I mean they obviously have a yearly income of like a million dollars. How else is all this possible?
So in light of this new worry, I’ve been extra diligent about taking those magic pills they call birth control. My doctor prescribed a new brand though and the tablets are chewable. Chewable birth control? What the hell? So I’m chewing them, but I’m worried because little pieces are getting stuck in my teeth. I’m (obviously) obsessively picking them out and swallowing them. What if enough doesn’t make it into my system? Good lord. It is not necessary to have these pills be chewable. They are itty bitty!
Anyway, there’s my latest and greatest worry. I’ve already brought it up with my therapist.