Category Archives: humor

light-hearted posts

Please Remember Me as Funny

It’s a dark subject, I know, but I’ve been thinking about how people will remember me when I die.  It was all brought on when Rob got some mild carbon monoxide poisoning over the weekend and I told him how happy I was that he didn’t die.  And then I said, I hope I never have to think about this (at least not until he’s 100), but I would have so many nice things to say about him at his funeral.  I mean it would be a really good speech.

So anyway, I was like, “Ummm what would you say about me?”  He had some nice things to say about what a big heart I have and how I’m always there for my family and blah blah blah, but I really wanted him to be like, “She was the funniest person I’ve ever met.”  Because to me, being funny is like the ultimate.  Making people laugh is seriously one of the most rewarding things.  Not everyone knows just how funny I am.  I guess because I’m funniest with the people I’m most comfortable with.  Which means my family probably gets that I’m effin’ hysterical.  And Rob obviously agreed and was like, “Yes, I would definitely talk about how funny you were.”  I’m still worried about the fact that he didn’t come up with this on his own though, ya know?

Bottom line is if you get asked to speak at my funeral, please, for the love of God, mention that I cracked people up now and again.  I mean that is if you truly believe that.  If you don’t believe that, turn down the speaking opportunity.

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HOA Bash

I’ve been meaning to write this post for awhile, but you know how good I am about blogging lately.  Sorry for sucking.  Please enjoy the dysfunction below.

Labor Day weekend marked my brother-in-law’s 40th birthday.  Well, September 1, which happened to be Labor Day weekend marked his birthday, but whatever.  You know what I mean.  And listen, 40 is a big deal.  I mean that’s what I hear anyway.  It’s definitely reason for celebration, and even though Heath doesn’t necessarily like people or celebrations, we said screw you we’re doing it anyway.  What, we’ll find any excuse for having a party.  That and to eat way too much food.

I’ve mentioned the HOA before.  Here and here.  You’ve probably noticed that the HOA usually means the dysfunction gets amped up and weird shit happens.  This HOA trip was no different.  Things got started early, and when I say early I mean lunch time.  And when I say “things,” I mean shots.  While we enjoyed the carcass Armando (yell this name when you say it – Arrrrrrmaaaaaandooooo! – that’s how Rob would like you to do it) had grilled up (at least 5 carcasses, I’m sure), shots started being poured.  Now some people are used to downing the shots, but some of us are lightweights.  Like me.  Listen, I drink a glass of wine once or twice a week at the most.  Occasionally I have a couple of glasses of wine, but any more than that and I am like Ms. Chatty Cathy and things start to get a wee bit blurry.  Sometimes, I have shots.  Usually with my family, which is weird, but whatever.

Anyway, Heath was peer-pressuring all of us into drinking shot after shot, and hello, it was his birthday, so what choice did we have?  None.  After about the fourth or fifth one I told him we needed to pace ourselves.  Heath agreed and said we should do a shot every hour.  However, after 15 minutes had passed he asked if it was time yet.  Obviously it wasn’t, but he decided it had been long enough.  Naturally things took a turn.

The music started playing, people started dancing.  No harm here, right?  Wrong.  Some people’s dance moves would be considered borderline dirty dancing.  Again, maybe fine.  However, when your children and nieces and nephews are witness to your dirty dancing moves, not so good.  Wait, let me back up though.  Before the music started the large group tried engaging in conversation.  Engaging in conversation with most of these people even without alcohol is bound to be less than clean.  Engage in conversation with alcohol and things like this get said.

Sherri:  “Janis was the only responsible one last night.  Her husband almost got laid by Becky.”

Becky:  “What?  Oh no, what did I do?”

Janis:  “It’s OK.  He’s a good lay.”

What?!  Sorry Janis, I know I said I would make you look good, but you can’t expect me to leave quotes like this out.

Sadly the night ended with an accident on a four wheeler (no one was seriously injured) and everyone sobered up real quick.  As bad as this all sounds though, I’ve never seen Heath have a bigger grin on his face.  That, to me, is a successful 40th birthday bash.

Mike, Heath's dad thoroughly enjoying the dysfunction.

Mike, Heath’s dad thoroughly enjoying the dysfunction.

Uncontrollable laughter.

Uncontrollable laughter.

Debbie pre-wreck on the ATV.

Debbie pre-wreck on the ATV.

Janis grinning up a storm.

Janis grinning up a storm.

My sister, Jess, mortified at the things being said.

My sister, Jess, mortified at the things being said.

Look at that grin on Heath!

Look at that grin on Heath!

Heath, Dyl and Rob.

Heath, Dyl and Rob.

The one and only Stevie Ann.

The one and only Stevie Ann.

Family Camping 90’s Style

Have I mentioned how much I love my family?  I mean yes, we’re dysfunctional as shit, but we are also insanely awesome.  It’s like we’re hilarious and amazing on our own and then you put us all together and it’s like what just happened?  And I start wondering if maybe, just maybe, we are some of the funniest people that ever lived. It’s possible.

Anyway, now that we’ve established just how incredible we all are, let’s talk about our most recent outing.  It was a quick trip to the HOA (Hendrickson Outdoor Adventure, named after my sister and her husband that own the property – the Hendricksons) but we still managed to jam it with lots of good memories…. 90’s style!

My bro, Spencer, came up with the 90’s idea.  Acting as if we didn’t own cell phones and only listening to music that was 90’s or pre-90’s sounded like the perfect way to spend the weekend.  Sometimes you just need to unplug.  Plus, my mom was kicking it super old school hiking around with her Sony Walkman.  That’s right, Walkman, as in she was listening to a tape!  Pink Floyd to be specific.  How cool is that?!  Oh, also, the Walkman was being carried around in some sort of fanny pack. Bam!

In addition to the 90’s theme, there was also a redneck theme going on as well. That means ATV rides, shooting guns and blowing shit up.  To be clear, people were shooting guns at things to blow them up.  It was loud and Captain Redneck (my brother-in-law Heath) was beaming from ear to ear.  Spence even got into the spirit of things with a full-on redneck accent.  And he shot a gun!

Now ATV riding is not necessarily a redneck thing, but it can be, so I say it is.  And you know what?  The group ATV rides are so fun.  Everyone was riding with someone else except my mom who drove her own because 1) she’s too nervous to let someone else drive and 2) it gives her the ability to tell us over and over again that she doesn’t want us waiting for her and that she likes to go slow.  We waited anyway.  After a section that was a little rocky we had all been hanging out for a few minutes trying to dry our butt sweat when she pulled up and yelled, “Fuck this! Could you have picked a worse road, Heath?”  Honestly, he totally could have picked a worse road but I for one am very happy that she thought it sucked so much.  If she hadn’t, we wouldn’t have had something to laugh our assess off at that particular moment.

At some point on the way back she took a wrong turn and we were ready for the comments about how we left her when she returned but nope.  She drove in cackling like a witch instead.  She is full of surprises!

I’m hoping for round two in September.  In the meantime, here are some pics to hold you over.  Unfortunately I have no pics of the man that made it all possible. I’m sure you’re disappointed, Heath.

My nephew, Dylan "crashing" on the ATV.  Don't worry, I went along with it.

My nephew, Dylan “crashing” on the ATV. Don’t worry, I went along with it.

Mom of the Year and the one and only Stevie.

Mom of the Year and the one and only Stevie.

My favorite shot.  Love you brother!

My favorite shot. Love you brother!

Spence, Mom and me.  Notice the fannypack.

Spence, Mom and me. Notice the fannypack.

My stepdaughter Emily and her boyfriend Taylor.

My stepdaughter Emily and her boyfriend Taylor.

Ummm can you say bad ass?

Ummm can you say bad ass?

Ladies Night Out

My cousin Heather got married last night.  And you know what the ladies do before someone gets married, right?  Right, they have a bachelorette shin dig of sorts. Which is exactly what we did last Saturday night.  It was a small group, but all you need is a couple of crazies to make a night out a complete blast.  And we definitely had a couple crazies in the group.  I mean I’m including myself, of course.

We started the night at Gracie’s in downtown Salt Lake to grab a couple of drinks and some food before things really got nutty.  Some people may have had some pre-dinner cocktails so things were amped up right out of the gate.  Not that anyone needed to worry about having too much to drink when we were being chauffeured around in this bad boy.  Yes, those are giant horns you see on the front.  The “limo” is called The Boss Hog and comes complete with a pink-shirted driver who I will disclose frightening details about later.  For now, just take in the glory of this ride.

boss hog

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

One of the ladies Jess and I had never met before made it clear immediately that she would be providing plenty of entertainment for the night.  When someone you’ve known for five minutes starts telling people she’s “fucking Irish and will kill you,” it’s only bound to provide good material for the rest of the evening.  And she didn’t let us down at all.

After Gracie’s we jumped in the Boss Hog and headed to Bar X for the most delicious drink on the planet; the Moscow Mule.  (Note: This is not an exaggeration.  If you have never had one of these before, go get one immediately)!  Anyway, drinking heaven was not the only thing that happened at the bar.  No sir.  There were other things, like maybe I had my abs molested by the Irish woman.  She may have put her arm around my waist and then things got awkward from there.  Let’s just say she may have had her hands all over my abs at one point while she said things like, “What the fuck?  Have you guys felt her abs?” In my uncomfortable state, I could only laugh, which provoked her more, because well, laughing causes one to flex their abs.  Which then caused Irish to say things like, “Oh my god, she’s laughing.  Keep laughing.”

From that point on I was referred to as “Abo” and was demanded to “nutritionalize” and help Irish get abs just like mine.  In case you’re not familiar with the word nutritionalize (maybe because it’s not a word), I believe it means to provide nutrition advice for one wanting to acquire nice abs.

After the molestation we sat down to enjoy our drinks while Irish tried to burn a string bracelet off her wrist in the candle flame on the table.  The two nerds in the group (that’d be me and my sister) shrieked in unison, “Oh no, don’t do that!” I know, we’re lame.  And Irish told us we’re lame when she looked up and said, “Is this the most dangerous thing you two have done?  Oh, you two are so cute.  Wait ’til I tie you up.”  Yep, you read that right.

Somehow we made it out of the Bar X without being set on fire or tied up and climbed back into the Boss Hog for stop number three.  The driver of the Boss Hog is Irish’s biological dad and seemed innocent enough until he revealed his true self to Jess and I at a stop on the way to the club.  Get a load of this… The old dude gets out of the rig, walks over to us and says, “This reminds me of when I was younger.” Which sounds totally innocent, right?  Wrong.  Wrong because the next sentence out of his mouth was, “When we used to kill people.”  What the fuck?  I mean we were like surely he has to be kidding, so we started laughing awkwardly as he got all dead serious, looked at us and said, “I’m serious as a judge.”  Not cool.

The rest of the evening was filled with a couple of boob grabs (Irish doing the grabbing, of course), great dancing and lots of laughs.  I know that a lot of what I just described sounds weird and scary, and yet I think we’re all going out again next month.  Hey, it might mean I’ll actually have something to blog about.

A Long Weekend in the Woods

Sometimes you just need a long weekend away getting your camp on.  Or, if you’re my husband, you think you need to go camping every weekend.  He’s weird though, so we’re not taking his opinion into account.  Anyway, we camped over Memorial weekend, like we always do and it was a great little escape.

Eating delicious food (and way too much of it), going for long hikes, riding bikes around the campground and playing games together are all the things I love about camping.  Plus, you have a great excuse for not taking a shower.  Not that I like to go for long periods of time without a shower, but sometimes a shower just gets in the way of all the things going on in a day, so.  Yeah.

Of course there are downsides to camping.  For one, there’s the whole bathroom situation.  We have a small tent trailer, that has a bathroom in it, but when there are three of us staying in it, it’s a better idea to just use the campground bathrooms. You know, the ones with doors.  Doors that lock, by the way, Mr. Taking a Poop Without Locking the Door!  Yeah, there’s a story here.

On the last day I walked over to the bathroom and opened the door to a man sitting on the toilet.  Yep.  It scared the shit out of me.  Not literally, but I jumped about 10 feet in the air as he sat there acting as casual as can be.  He honestly waved this slow, casual wave and then said (also very slowly, I might add), “Yeah, doesn’t lock.” Which, by the way, is entirely untrue.  I had been locking the thing for three days! And also, if it really doesn’t lock, how about putting a sign on the door or something before sitting down to take a crap?  You ever think of that dude?!  No, because he obviously could care less, as noted by the casual wave.

Other than the drop in, the camping weekend was a success and fun was had by all. I can prove it with these pictures.

Why Isn’t Someone Taping This?!

So I’m a shitty blogger lately.  There, I said it.  I just haven’t been inspired to write, I suppose.  Maybe my life’s too boring?  Or maybe I just haven’t been keeping track of all the weird things that I observe in any given day.  Whatever the reason, I need to get my shit together. My brother got me this great book on writing for my birthday in March and the biggest tip to becoming a better writer is simply DO IT!  So, I’m doing it.

The last thing I wrote about was my (yet to be announced) brilliant idea of how we’re going to survive in this god forsaken world.  I still have no concrete plan, but don’t give up on me.  Some things are in the works.  If I can ever get my husband, whom I rarely see anymore, to stop working, stuff is going to happen.  And until that stuff happens, I’ll enjoy the other stuff that goes on around me.

Like yesterday, I thoroughly enjoyed spending time with my fam for Mother’s Day. This is pretty much the only day of the year that we can talk my older sister into doing a shot. And seeing her do a shot is great entertainment.  Usually because part of it ends up coming out of her mouth as a slow drool.  Equally as entertaining is her husband that is, for some odd reason, obsessed with talking about marijuana. Which is strange considering he’s only smoked it once and had a terrible reaction that left him feeling like he was walking on the moon (his words, not mine).  Despite being “messed up” from this one pot smoking experience, he talks about it constantly.  As in, “does this dessert have marijuana in it?”  By the way, the dessert was not brownies.

Nearly every single time my family gets together I wonder why in the hell there aren’t cameras rolling.  We would make AMAZING reality television.  I’m telling you; it’s good material almost all the time.  The character lineup is unreal.  We have rednecks, people that talk to themselves, children that are beyond difficult, martyrs, negative nellies and so so much more.

I think soon I’ll have to post some video of just how hilarious we are.  So don’t give up on my blog just yet.  There are epic posts to come.

Birthdays are Cool

So, I mentioned in my last blog that I had a birthday coming up.  It was yesterday. Don’t feel bad if you forgot to send me some birthday love.  I felt like a rockstar most of the day.  If I ever consider getting rid of my Facebook account, I’ll remind myself of how good I feel about the site when my big day rolls around.  The love was pouring in all day!

My birthday is always extra cool because I share the day with my older sister.  Yes, we have the same birthday but we’re three years apart.  When we were kids this wasn’t necessarily the coolest thing to share a birthday, but now?  Now, it’s the shit. It helps that she’s one of my favorite people.  And, it’s just fun.  The last couple of years we’ve gone for lunch and then hit the spa.  I love the spa.  Honestly, if I had loads of extra cash, I’m pretty sure I’d spend it being pampered.

Yesterday we both opted for a spa treatment we’d never tried (we’re getting adventurous now that we’re in our mid and late 30’s).  It’s called a Native American Body Balancer.  I thought for sure we’d leave covered in body paint and feathers, but sadly, we did not.  Calm down, it’s a joke.  The treatment is a skin exfoliation/detox that involves a scrub, steam, shower and body butter application.  The scrub?  A little scratchy, but it was fine and the local herb mixture smelled amazing.  The steam?  Holy hot!  Thank God the lady told me how to turn it off, because there is no way in hell I would have lasted in that room for 20 minutes.  I’m pretty sure I turned it off after like seven minutes.  I think I’m still sweating.  My skin is happy today though, and I do feel slightly detoxed, which may or may not be a placebo thing.

I ended the day with a Gmail chat interview (more on that when I know where it’s all going) and a wonderful dinner with my little family.  Rob, Em and I have such a great time together, and I am reminded of that so often.  I feel like a very lucky woman to have such an incredible husband and stepdaughter.  Jack and Kitty never actually wished me a ‘Happy Birthday,’ but I could feel their love.  Damn, life is good.