We bought Jack one of those flexi retractable leashes so that we can practice having him come back to us in a wide open space.  One day, fingers crossed, we’re hoping to be able to take him off his leash completely without him a) running away or b) attacking some stranger.  So last Sunday we decided to try it out.  I took it out of the package and noticed the pamphlet titled ‘special precautions & directions.’  I thought I better peruse it in case there were any important safety tips.  Holy shit, that is one scary leash!  For example, this particular leash can totally cause finger amputations.  One of my favorite lines in the pamphlet is, “If you want to further reduce the risk of finger amputations and fractures, you can take off any rings and wear sturdy gloves.”  IF you want to???  Is there anyone that doesn’t want to avoid finger amputation?  Jesus Christ.  They’re like, if you care at all about your digits, lose the jewelry.  If you don’t really give a shit about your fingers, wear all the bling you want.

Obviously I had Rob hold the leash.  What, I am not losing a finger over this!  Plus in addition to finger loss, you can also suffer “serious eye damage, broken teeth, cuts and bruises.”  That’s right.  The leash or collar might break and the cord and hook can snap back with enough force to cause you to look like someone from the demolition derby.  I did not sign up for this when I adopted a dog.  Don’t be surprised if you see me with woodshop glasses and three pairs of gloves on next time I’m out walking Jack.