Tag Archives: Redneck

Family Camping 90’s Style

Have I mentioned how much I love my family?  I mean yes, we’re dysfunctional as shit, but we are also insanely awesome.  It’s like we’re hilarious and amazing on our own and then you put us all together and it’s like what just happened?  And I start wondering if maybe, just maybe, we are some of the funniest people that ever lived. It’s possible.

Anyway, now that we’ve established just how incredible we all are, let’s talk about our most recent outing.  It was a quick trip to the HOA (Hendrickson Outdoor Adventure, named after my sister and her husband that own the property – the Hendricksons) but we still managed to jam it with lots of good memories…. 90’s style!

My bro, Spencer, came up with the 90’s idea.  Acting as if we didn’t own cell phones and only listening to music that was 90’s or pre-90’s sounded like the perfect way to spend the weekend.  Sometimes you just need to unplug.  Plus, my mom was kicking it super old school hiking around with her Sony Walkman.  That’s right, Walkman, as in she was listening to a tape!  Pink Floyd to be specific.  How cool is that?!  Oh, also, the Walkman was being carried around in some sort of fanny pack. Bam!

In addition to the 90’s theme, there was also a redneck theme going on as well. That means ATV rides, shooting guns and blowing shit up.  To be clear, people were shooting guns at things to blow them up.  It was loud and Captain Redneck (my brother-in-law Heath) was beaming from ear to ear.  Spence even got into the spirit of things with a full-on redneck accent.  And he shot a gun!

Now ATV riding is not necessarily a redneck thing, but it can be, so I say it is.  And you know what?  The group ATV rides are so fun.  Everyone was riding with someone else except my mom who drove her own because 1) she’s too nervous to let someone else drive and 2) it gives her the ability to tell us over and over again that she doesn’t want us waiting for her and that she likes to go slow.  We waited anyway.  After a section that was a little rocky we had all been hanging out for a few minutes trying to dry our butt sweat when she pulled up and yelled, “Fuck this! Could you have picked a worse road, Heath?”  Honestly, he totally could have picked a worse road but I for one am very happy that she thought it sucked so much.  If she hadn’t, we wouldn’t have had something to laugh our assess off at that particular moment.

At some point on the way back she took a wrong turn and we were ready for the comments about how we left her when she returned but nope.  She drove in cackling like a witch instead.  She is full of surprises!

I’m hoping for round two in September.  In the meantime, here are some pics to hold you over.  Unfortunately I have no pics of the man that made it all possible. I’m sure you’re disappointed, Heath.

My nephew, Dylan "crashing" on the ATV.  Don't worry, I went along with it.

My nephew, Dylan “crashing” on the ATV. Don’t worry, I went along with it.

Mom of the Year and the one and only Stevie.

Mom of the Year and the one and only Stevie.

My favorite shot.  Love you brother!

My favorite shot. Love you brother!

Spence, Mom and me.  Notice the fannypack.

Spence, Mom and me. Notice the fannypack.

My stepdaughter Emily and her boyfriend Taylor.

My stepdaughter Emily and her boyfriend Taylor.

Ummm can you say bad ass?

Ummm can you say bad ass?

Out of the Mouths of Babes

I seriously love some of the things that come out of the mouths of my niece and nephew.  Yes, there are times when the words that come out of Stevie’s (my niece) mouth make me want to do other things besides laugh, but she’s pretty damn funny a lot of the time.  Last weekend I babysat for a few hours and Stevie loves to pretend like she’s going out on a date and I am the babysitter.  So, she hands me her doll and says, “I’m going on a date with my husband.”  When I asked her who said husband was, I thought for sure it would be Justin Bieber.  Instead Stevie’s response was, “Kevin Bacon.”  Not bad.  I mean yes, he’s a little old for her, but he’s a pretty big stud if you ask me.

Babysitting her doll while she goes out is something I can get behind.  What I can’t really seem to get into is her wanting me to pretend like I’m pregnant and then go into labor.  Listen, the kid has seen a lot of “medical” shows on TV.  She’s fascinated by them because of all of her health problems, I suppose.  Anyway, she may or may not have seen a few episodes of TLC’s A Baby Story.  You know, the one where they show the woman giving birth.  Yeah, that one.  This is how it went down the other night:

Stevie:  “Aunt Sonie, pretend like you’re pregnant.”

Me:  “OK.”

Stevie:  “Call me on the phone because you’re excited you’re pregnant.”

Me:  “Ring ring.  Hi, Stevie?  Guess what?!  I’m pregnant!”

Stevie:  “Ok, now push.”

Me:  “Oh, I’m in labor now?”

Stevie:  “Yes.  Ok, you are dilated to 6.”

Me:  “Oh God, you know about dilation?”  She’s 7.

Stevie:  “Push Aunt Sonie.”

Me:  “Ok, this is a little weird actually.  How about we pretend like I adopt a baby.”

Stevie:  “OK.”

Me:  “Do you know what adoption is?  Some people can’t have babies and other people can but aren’t able to take care of them.  So, you can adopt someone else’s baby.  It’s a long process and you pay money.”  Listen, it was the best explanation I could come up with.

Stevie:  “Ok, here’s your baby.  $6 please.”

What a steal, right?!

My nephew, Dylan, can also be quite comical.  We were trick-or-treating with the kids last week and there was some dude hanging out in his driveway.  Apparently he does that every year.  It’s a little creepy if you ask me, just sitting there, but whatever.  Anyway, Dylan was walking with my brother when he saw him, pointed and said, “Hey look, a redneck!”  When Spencer told him to keep it down he was like, “What, he looks like one.”

I’m not entirely sure where Dylan has heard about rednecks but I quickly informed him that his dad is also a redneck.  There are levels of rednecks and his dad happens to be at the classiest level, but as my brother put it, “He really enjoys redneck culture.” Is he anywhere near the redneck level of the family on Honey Boo Boo? God no, but he does like to take in the occasional demolition derby or monster truck crawl.  That and his trucks are jacked up, and once in awhile he sports a mullet.

My family is awesome.