I’ve never been a Cosmopolitan magazine reader.  Call me conservative, but I just don’t want to spend much time reading about ‘his favorite positions’ or ‘the one thing your guy loves that he won’t tell you.’  Listen, if you are in a committed, healthy relationship, you’ll figure this out together.  I mean yes, it was all very fun to read about when I was 16, but come on!  How can you possibly still have new sex tips and tricks to share?  Oh, that’s right; you don’t!

Plus, some of the advice in there is so complicated that you’d have to have the magazine open during it all so you could make sure you’re doing it correctly.  I imagine it sounding something like this:

“Ok, it says to lift your left leg.”

“Like this?”

“Maybe a little higher.”

“Ouch.  Maybe that’s too high?”

“No, leave it like that.  Ok, now kind of twist it to the right a little.”

“Is this supposed to feel good?”

“Yes.  I mean eventually, I guess.”

“Well I don’t think I can hold it here much longer.  I’m getting a really bad cramp.”

Does any of that sound romantic or sexy?  Not so much.  Listen, I’ve been to those sex toy parties, and they are a hoot.  But they’re a hoot because most of it so damn funny!  I attended one a year or two ago that featured a sex swing chair.  We put one of the guests in it and laughed our asses off.  She looked so uncomfortable and… well, exposed.  Plus, getting into it was REALLY difficult.  If I had permission, I would post the photo here.  Stay tuned.  Maybe it will happen.  She’s not naked! But again, it’s awkward.

I think this tweet sums it up (thanks Damien Fahey):

“Look, Just Do Something to His Butt.” – Cosmopolitan magazine finally runs out of cover ideas