Tag Archives: Anxiety

All About the Cheese

Sometimes I let my Andrus (my mom’s side) anxiety hole up in my chest and stay for way too long.  I start asking myself what my future holds and oh god, what if this company doesn’t hire me and do people think I’m a loser?  I get caught up in the crazy talk in my head and it makes my heart beat fast and I wake up with a knot in my stomach, a knot which initially I don’t even know why I have until I remind myself that oh yeah, you have a lot to worry about!  But then I realize that life is good and everything is going to be just fine.  I mean yes, if I spend enough time thinking about the state of our country politically (not because of our President, people!) and all the hate people have, I will probably respond with, “We are so fucked,” but I do recognize that despite those things, my life kicks ass.

Like the other day my older sister and I got to take our grandparents to lunch.  Our grandparents, who are on the doorstep of 90, yet are in generally great health and still have all of their teeth!  We have this amazing privilege to spend time with these amazing people and their amazing teeth!  They are genuine people who make me laugh and make me feel proud to be their granddaughter.  And you know what my grandma did the day after our lunch?  She called me on the phone to say “thanks again” and that they had such a great time.  She told me that when you get older, these are the things that matter, these are the things you look forward to.  That is what matter, people.  Spending time with the people in your life.  Yes, they may be crazy or neurotic or whatever else, but they are your people.  And actually, it’s kind of better if they’re crazy or neurotic, because then you have material with which to write a book.  I mean that’s what I’m planning to do.  It’s a total win-win.  They can’t be mad because you can be like, “Hey, with all the material you provided, I made a zillion dollars and I am totally going to take you to dinner with some of it!”

All of this “live everyday like it’s your last,” sounds cheesy, but I kind of like cheesy.  I’m all about the cheese these days.  I’m about telling people you think they’re pretty great and not holding grudges.  Awwww, I’m growing up.

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Finding My Way

I’m about to turn another year older (March 26th if you’re interested in sending a birthday shout out my way – no pressure).  I’m totally fine turning another year older.  Yes, because I’m young but also because it feels like this is a time in my life when I’m really starting to figure a lot of shit out.  I’ve always been that person that feels and acts older than their biological age.  Part of this is my nature and part of it is a result of my environment.  The challenges I was faced with when I was younger helped me mature and grow in ways I’m sure I wouldn’t have otherwise (that was a positive, Mom).  And although there are times when I wish I would have been more of a carefree kid, I am who I am because of my experiences.  Despite those experiences though, I’m still finding my way; figuring out where to focus my energy.

Life is hard.  Whether we’re consumed everyday with caring for a sick child or just trying to stay afloat and relevant in our job/industry, it can feel hopeless at times.  I fight with my anxiety and the negative thoughts in my head every single day.  But I’m learning.  I’m learning to focus on the positive and surround myself with people that do the same.  I’m learning to shake off the mean, unnecessary comments (after I vent to my sister about them first, of course) that can get stuck in my head and make me worry WAY too much.  I’m letting go of expectations that are only going to bring disappointment and accept what people are capable of giving.

I don’t expect this to be the year that I figure it all out (do we ever?), but I feel like it will be a year of renewed hope.  A year to worry less and enjoy more.  I’m not planning to jump out of any airplanes (I will never do this) or summit any peaks, but I am planning to be present in my life.  That, my friends, is living.

The Travel Log

Hi there!  Remember me?  I’m back to give you an update on all things Sonie. Why? Because it might be somewhat entertaining, and everyone loves to be entertained.

First, let me start by saying that my anxiety level has definitely decreased.  For one, I’m trying to imagine the worst thing that could happen in my anxiety-ridden state, and most of the time, it’s not that bad.  Since most of my anxiety involves Jack and his unpredictability, the worst-case scenario is he takes a little bite at someone.  Is this good?  No, but he’s never done much damage.  Plus, it’s been over 4 months since we’ve had an incident!  Many people have come to the house and he’s been nice to everyone.  And camping this weekend he hauled ass towards one guy walking by the campsite only to sniff him and get some attention.  Do I want him charging towards people?  No, but we’re working on it.  Oh, and he was a freakin’ rockstar hiking off-leash.  Yes, he chased the cows (which, by the way, cows can move a lot quicker than I thought), but he did come back.

Now that we have the Jack update out of the way, let’s talk about work anxiety. Actually, I don’t have much work anxiety.  Is traveling to Switzerland to deliver a 2-day training course to big wig pharmaceutical folks intimidating?  Hell yeah.  Am I capable of pulling it off?  Absolutely.  And I did.  I spent 3 days in Basel, Switzerland on very little sleep, but I pulled it off.  After taking three planes, one train and one taxi, I arrived.  The hotel was very nice (should be when it’s over $300/night), but what is it with the Europeans pushing two twin beds together and calling it a queen? It’s cheating is what it is.  Also, when I order a coffee, fill it up.  I don’t want to pay for a cup of coffee that is a quarter full.  I’m going on three hours of sleep!

What a whiner I am.  The people there were so nice.  In fact, on the train back from Basel to Zurich, the ticket dudes totally let my fellow training friend off the hook when her ticket wasn’t valid.  They even blew kisses to us when we got off the train. Now that’s nice!  I’m telling you though, trains CANNOT be trusted.  I can’t tell you how many wrong trains I’ve been on (did it this trip, in fact).  Would it be too much to ask to make an announcement?

Obviously we made it, but it was much more difficult than it needed to be.  The last thing you want is a bunch of angry Americans arriving at the airport only to discover that they can buy a Swiss army knife right before boarding their plane!  So in case security confiscated yours, you can still purchase one so you can stab all your fellow passengers.  Ok, maybe they make you ship it to yourself?

I’m always stoked to get home.  Part of it could be the whole not sleeping for 20 hours thing that really makes me want to crawl into my own bed.  I also knew I had a long weekend with my boys to look forward to though.  Rob was able to take a couple of days off and the three of us took the trailer out for (probably) our final camping trip for the season.  It was gorgeous with the fall leaves and we basically had the campground to ourselves.  Two different families attempted to take the spot next to us, but Rob death stared down the first group and cranked up the music and danced for the second.  Both attempts worked and they moved.

A view of the Rhine River

The boys on a hike in Mt. Nebo

The Anti-Anxiety Project

Have any of you read the book The Happiness Project?  Well, I have.  The project started when the author decided she wasn’t really “living” her life.  You know, she was just sort of going through the paces, and while she appeared to have a perfect life on the outside, she wasn’t really deriving a lot of joy from it.  So, she spent a year focusing on the small stuff and writing a book about it.  A book which not only brought her happiness but also a shit ton of cash, I’m sure.

Anyway, I read this book probably a year or so ago, but I’ve recently started thinking about it.  Thinking that maybe I should embark on a 365-day journey of some sort. (Also, I watched the movie Julie & Julia the other night – – another 365-day journey).  Am I happy?  Overall, yes.  Do I live in the moment?  Not usually.  Do I have a crazy amount of anxiety that probably warrants medication?  Maybe.

It might seem strange that I’m OK sharing this stuff with people I don’t really know (I know some of you, yes, but I also have readers that I know nothing about), but I’m thinking this blog can serve as a therapy of sorts.  Only instead of this being a happiness project, I’m calling it The Anti-Anxiety Project.  What do you think?  I have no idea what that really means or what I’ll need to do each day to succeed, but I’m kind of digging the concept.

In order for this to work, I need your ideas.  What are some ways that you relieve stress and anxiety in your lives? Big and small, but mostly small.  Start sharing your thoughts.  In the meantime, I’ll continue writing about my daily observations and strange happenings.  Here’s a silly one that I’ll leave you with…. While driving last week, the car in front of me had a bumper sticker that read, “watch out  for the idiot driving behind me.”  And because I’m quick I realized hey, wait a second, that’s me! How rude is that?  Although that bumper sticker totally worked for the guy with two fake legs that rammed into the back of me.

Good Vibes

You know what?  Being positive is kind of awesome.  I am definitely not the world’s most positive person.  I blame all the cynics in my family (these cynics make for great material though).  And myself, of course.  I’m all about personal responsibility lately.

After all the stress and anxiety about Jack, I finally feel like I understand what I have to do.  After reading and researching, I have learned that so much of your dog’s behavior is directly linked to your behavior.  Dogs can totally sense your energy.  And my energy was shit, to be honest.  I was just so anxious and always had knots in my stomach worrying about whether Jack was going to bite someone.  Listen, I am not 100% cured of that, but I am so on my way.  I feel this renewed sense of leadership and confidence, which is exactly what he needs.  He needs pack leaders! Rob is already an amazing pack leader, but I have a feeling that six months down the road I’m going to be right there with him.

Plus, I just want to be calmer and more balanced in my life.  Not just for my dog but for me.  And for my family and those people that I love.  Holy shit, I should start doing motivational speaking or something, right?!

Ok, this might be too much positivity for some of you.  So, on a more depressing and negative note…. Actually, I have nothing.  Can you believe it?  I seriously can’t even think of anything negative.  Of course, it is only 8:00am.