Tag Archives: life

Hope

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So I haven’t blogged for a very long time.  Is it because I’m too busy?  Nope.  I actually have plenty of time and great balance in my life.  I work part-time so that I can take care of things at home, spend time with Rob and Jack and the rest of my family and not feel like every second of the weekends needs to be spent cleaning and doing yard work.  I guess the real reason I haven’t blogged is because I’ve been too busy living my life and I forgot just how much I would like writing to be a part of that.

Yesterday my older sister and I stopped by my grandparents to visit for a bit.  I know I’ve mentioned this before, but I have the coolest grandparents.  The last time I blogged, I wrote about it actually.  My grandpa has grown softer and more emotional over the years and there is pure joy in his face when he sees us.  The conversations with them are some of my favorite.  Partly because you never know what’s going to happen when my grandma opens her mouth.  Yesterday, for example, we were talking about our prisons being overcrowded and how putting drug addicts there is not the answer for rehabilitation (no brainer, I know).  My grandma’s solution?  Drop them from a plane into the west desert.  You know, quarantine them.  And, maybe shoot a couple that deserve being shot.  I know, it sounds terrible, but if you knew her you would understand.  And then you would quickly type her famous words into your phone so that you can write about them the next day.

Anyway, the point is that once again, I’m reminded that these are the moments to cherish.  There is so much tragedy and sadness in our world.  People are being shot at church in the most privileged country in the world and it’s not by scary-ass terrorist groups.  No, it’s because racism is alive and well.  There are people in 2015 that still can’t marry the person they love (it’s 2015!).  None of it makes any sense to me.  I always come back to the same answer; accept people, love them and let them be who they are.

And even though the world is far too complicated and I’ll never understand why terrible things happen to people everyday, I’m holding out hope.  Hope that I can make a little bit of difference in the lives of the people around me.  Hope that life can be simplified and enjoyed as it should be.  Hope that people can follow their dreams and find real joy.  I know, I sound like a total dreamer who needs to get in touch with reality, right?  Oh well.  Instead of saying it’s not possible, I’m going to give the answer that my beautiful niece always gave me…. Maybe.  Maybe it is possible.

All About the Cheese

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Sometimes I let my Andrus (my mom’s side) anxiety hole up in my chest and stay for way too long.  I start asking myself what my future holds and oh god, what if this company doesn’t hire me and do people think I’m a loser?  I get caught up in the crazy talk in my head and it makes my heart beat fast and I wake up with a knot in my stomach, a knot which initially I don’t even know why I have until I remind myself that oh yeah, you have a lot to worry about!  But then I realize that life is good and everything is going to be just fine.  I mean yes, if I spend enough time thinking about the state of our country politically (not because of our President, people!) and all the hate people have, I will probably respond with, “We are so fucked,” but I do recognize that despite those things, my life kicks ass.

Like the other day my older sister and I got to take our grandparents to lunch.  Our grandparents, who are on the doorstep of 90, yet are in generally great health and still have all of their teeth!  We have this amazing privilege to spend time with these amazing people and their amazing teeth!  They are genuine people who make me laugh and make me feel proud to be their granddaughter.  And you know what my grandma did the day after our lunch?  She called me on the phone to say “thanks again” and that they had such a great time.  She told me that when you get older, these are the things that matter, these are the things you look forward to.  That is what matter, people.  Spending time with the people in your life.  Yes, they may be crazy or neurotic or whatever else, but they are your people.  And actually, it’s kind of better if they’re crazy or neurotic, because then you have material with which to write a book.  I mean that’s what I’m planning to do.  It’s a total win-win.  They can’t be mad because you can be like, “Hey, with all the material you provided, I made a zillion dollars and I am totally going to take you to dinner with some of it!”

All of this “live everyday like it’s your last,” sounds cheesy, but I kind of like cheesy.  I’m all about the cheese these days.  I’m about telling people you think they’re pretty great and not holding grudges.  Awwww, I’m growing up.

I’ve Got a Feeling

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You know those people that are always like, “things happen for a reason?”  Maybe you’re one of them.  I am the person that is like sure, some things happen for a reason.  Other things happen and I’m like, “Why the fuck did that happen?”  And there is like no way I will ever arrive at an answer.  I don’t think that everything happens for a reason.  Some things so do though, and I love when you’re like, yeah, that’s totally why that happened.  

The jobless situation I’m in now so happened for a reason.  The stress was killing me.  I mean it was literally doing bad things to my mental and physical well-being.  Beyond that, I think I needed something like this to happen in order for me to once again stand back and say, What is it I really want out of life?  How can this change in direction get me there?  I wish I could say I have it figured out, but it’s only been two and a half weeks, so be patient.  Selling everything (or most of everything) we own and building a small house somewhere somewhat off the grid sounds completely amazing to me, but I know that it’s not in the cards at this very moment.  I plan to shuffle and re-deal until it is though.  

On a lighter note, look at all this fun Rob and I are having with some much needed time off.  Yes, it was chilly.  It’s possible we had very little feeling in our hands when it was all said and done, but we did have a good time.

Woohoo, we can't feel our fingers!

Woohoo, we can’t feel our fingers!

Treading Water

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Wow, it’s been close to a year since I last wrote a blog post.  And you know what?  That makes me sad.  Like not just, oh bummer but like wow, is this really how much time has passed?  Is life really passing me by (yes) and before I know it I’m going to be an old lady saying, “Where did the time go?”  Yeah, I know, everyone says that.  Where does the time go!  Has it really been that long?  It feels like just yesterday that…  But I mean I’m legitimately concerned.

Life is hard.  Or is it that we make it hard?  No, things happen that make it hard.  We lose people we love, relationships end or take a turn that leaves people feeling hurt and unwanted, we have to work when we want to play.  The list goes on, right?  But for so long now I’ve been saying, to myself and out loud to those who will listen, that I don’t want that to be my life anymore.  I don’t want to feel like I’m drowning, like I don’t have time for the things or people I love.  I don’t want to schedule in fun time.  Honestly, sometimes I find myself thinking, okay, I have two hours to have fun and then I must get something else done.  What is that?  It’s just me, partially, yes.  But it’s also that I feel like if I’m not getting something done I’m not contributing.  I’m not doing my part.  And things need to get done dammit!  I’m also drowning.  My life balance has been thrown off with job changes and not quite figuring out how to get it all in.

I lost my niece a little over 8 months ago.  If you’ve followed this blog before, you may remember me talking about her several times.  Like here.  There are like a million other places I blogged about her but I’m too lazy to link them all.  Of course I am not my sister.  Stevie was not my child.  She was like a child to me though.  She was a big purpose in my life though.  Helping her, helping my sister gave me so much purpose in my life.  Was it easy?  No.  Was it the best thing I’ve ever done?  Yes.  I miss her everyday.  She reminds me that life is short.  As a friend said the other day, “We are living on borrowed time.”  And yet, do I really live like I’m on borrowed time?  Not as much as I should.  Not as much as Stevie would want.  

So what am I saying?  I don’t know, really.  Maybe I do but I haven’t written in so long that I can’t figure out how to put it all into words.  I do know that I need to figure it out really soon though.  

Finding My Way

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I’m about to turn another year older (March 26th if you’re interested in sending a birthday shout out my way – no pressure).  I’m totally fine turning another year older.  Yes, because I’m young but also because it feels like this is a time in my life when I’m really starting to figure a lot of shit out.  I’ve always been that person that feels and acts older than their biological age.  Part of this is my nature and part of it is a result of my environment.  The challenges I was faced with when I was younger helped me mature and grow in ways I’m sure I wouldn’t have otherwise (that was a positive, Mom).  And although there are times when I wish I would have been more of a carefree kid, I am who I am because of my experiences.  Despite those experiences though, I’m still finding my way; figuring out where to focus my energy.

Life is hard.  Whether we’re consumed everyday with caring for a sick child or just trying to stay afloat and relevant in our job/industry, it can feel hopeless at times.  I fight with my anxiety and the negative thoughts in my head every single day.  But I’m learning.  I’m learning to focus on the positive and surround myself with people that do the same.  I’m learning to shake off the mean, unnecessary comments (after I vent to my sister about them first, of course) that can get stuck in my head and make me worry WAY too much.  I’m letting go of expectations that are only going to bring disappointment and accept what people are capable of giving.

I don’t expect this to be the year that I figure it all out (do we ever?), but I feel like it will be a year of renewed hope.  A year to worry less and enjoy more.  I’m not planning to jump out of any airplanes (I will never do this) or summit any peaks, but I am planning to be present in my life.  That, my friends, is living.

Ring in the New, PLEASE!

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You know what’s not good?  When years start mixing together.  Like 2010 becomes 2011, becomes 2012 and you pretty much remember jack shit about any of it.  Or, you remember that it maybe wasn’t as great as it should have been.  Which is ridiculous if you’re me, because I have so much to be happy about; so much others would look at and say, “Holy shit woman, your life is pretty sweet.”

I’m totally not a New Year’s Resolutions person, but I do want to make a concentrated effort to simply enjoy life more.  I’m sick of being worried and anxious and nervous.  Yes, these are real and legitimate feelings, but I have to work through them, right?  RIGHT?!  I will never be that go-with-the-flow, completely spontaneous person, but I think I can make some tweaks and adjustments here and there.  I can be fun goddammit!

Life is hard.  There’s a lot to navigate, and it’s easy to get caught up in the daily grind and forget about the big picture.  It’s easy to worry yourself sick (me) and stop doing the things that bring joy and fulfillment into your life.  You know, because you have stuff to get done!  There are responsibilities and obligations; things that MUST be done.  Oh wait, maybe they don’t have to be done.  Not right now.  Not today.

I’m going to surround myself with people that help me remember this.  People that are positive and can remind me that it’s not the end of the world if you have someone over and your dog takes a nip at them (God, I’m sick of worrying about this).  I want to spend time with the people that I love.  Quality time.  Instead of thinking ahead to tomorrow or even the end of the evening, I want to enjoy the moment I’m in.

There are people in my life that have far greater challenges than me (I’m looking at you, sister).  I want to help these people more, make them laugh and help them find some peace in their day.  I want to let go of anger and resentment and… OK, this might be too much.  I might be trying to take on more than I can handle.  Maybe I can just take it day by day.  Today is a new day, and for that I am grateful.

Happy New Year everyone!

The Daily – Filling up the Jar

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I really want a vacation.  Rob really needs a vacation.  We’re not going on vacation anytime soon.  What it really comes down to though is that perhaps, just perhaps, we’re not enjoying the regular ol’ days that are quickly passing us by.  And yes, it is really difficult to do so when your job is sucking all of the energy and life out of you.

At the beginning of 2012 Rob and I created a “memory jar” so that we can capture all the big and small happy moments we enjoy throughout the year.  So far there are 4 in the jar.  Not because we haven’t had good times and happy moments but because we haven’t taken the time to recognize them.  That’s about to change.  This jar is about to get worked!

Torn

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Let me start this by saying that I am very grateful for my life and all that I’ve been given.  Having said that, lately I’ve been thinking a lot about my life and whether it’s the life I want to live.  I know that I will always want to surround myself with family and those people that I cherish with all my heart…. But… what about all the STUFF that I have acquired and surround myself with?  Should I just feel happy that I have access to nice things, a beautiful home, little stress about money?  Or should I be taking a step back and asking myself, “Is having all these things really worth it?”  Rob and I were talking the other night about how our lives continue to get more stressful as we get older.  And doesn’t that seem backwards?  When we first met, we lived in a much smaller home with a low maintenance yard.  Now, we live in a larger home with a jungle of a yard, and although we love how beautiful and cozy our home and yard are, we spend SO much time maintaining them.

So, I’m torn.  On one hand, I really want to simplify my life.  I know that if I shifted gears a little I could live with a lot less.  On the other hand, I really want to expand and remodel my kitchen.  Do you see the dilemma?  It’s like it’s wonderful to have nice things, but with those nice things comes more responsibility and obligation.  You can’t just decide to take the summer off.  There are bills to pay!

The bottom line is I do have some reevaluating to do.  Life is too short to be stressed all the time.  Life is to be enjoyed… to the fullest… each and everyday.  Of course no matter what life I live, I know there will be ups and downs, but days are turning into months and months into years.  Time is moving quickly and I’m not slowing down enough to take it all in.  I don’t want to look back on my life one day and ask, “Where did it go?  What did I do?”  I want to look back and say, “I made a difference.  I was happy with my life and the choices I made.”  Is this possible?