I liken myself to a trucker lately. Minus the sleeping in your rig part. Oh, and I have yet to stop at any truck stops or show any serious butt crack (that I’m aware of). How stereotypical am I? I can hear you all now, “NOT ALL TRUCKERS LET THEIR CRACK HANG OUT!” I don’t mean to offend.
Seriously though. All this driving is pretty nutty. I never realized just how upsetting the word “recalculating” could be until I’d been driving for hours on the verge of what I like to call a pee emergency. When she says that word (my GPS is female), I nearly have a fit. Ok, I do have a fit. And the words that come out of my mouth aren’t that nice. Something like, “Hello, you told me to stay left! The highway veered right. Get your shit together lady!” Although the recalculation usually loses me a total of one or two minutes, it’s still upsetting.
When I’m not driving I’m either in a Lowe’s store delivering the training or eating crap from some fast food place (trucker style, again). And the trainings have all gone really well, but you would not believe the comments that come out of people’s mouths when I say I’m from Utah. One guy was like, “Do you ride a horse?” Huh? You mean to get around? I simply replied, “No, I don’t ride any horses.” Mind you, these are very small towns I’m in, not anything like Salt Lake. You know, towns where they drive tractors around. It probably didn’t help that I let them know it was Pioneer Day yesterday and then explained what that meant. The looks on their faces said it all. Whatever, I like Pioneer Day.
I visit two stores in South Carolina tomorrow and then I get to start my trek home. In a plane, thankfully, not a car. What is it with what people lug onto planes these days, by the way? I have seriously seen people carrying their full size pillow and blanket. Have you been on an airplane, people? There is hardly enough room for your ass let alone your entire bed set! Sorry, I’m tired.
I completed my first week of craziness on Thursday. After driving 1,000 miles through 2 states, taking 4 flights and not landing until midnight, you could say I’m a little tired. Or, you could be more accurate and say I’m exhausted. I have to say though that I’m very happy with how smoothly things went. I never got lost, never ran out of gas and all the training sessions were a success. Of course I still have 3 weeks to go, so there’s plenty of time left for any of those things to happen. Please pray that none of them do.
The only really traumatic encounter I experienced was the one with the crickets. Yep, crickets. They are EVERYWHERE during this time of year in the south. When I checked into my hotel in Marble Falls, Texas, there was a sign with a picture of Jiminy Cricket talking about the problem, which is very deceptive because the crickets aren’t anything like the one off of Pinocchio. The one in my bathroom sink was big and scary, not cute and full of wisdom. And even though I knew it would make me look like a complete ass, I asked the lady at the front desk if she would come get it for me. I first thought about trying to drown it, but then I remembered how well they jump. And forget about squashing it. That’s way too much crunch for me.
Everyone there thought it was rather amusing; my fear of the crickets. In one of the stores I trained in there were crickets all over the room. Most of them were dead, but there were a few crawling around. And when I was like, “Ummm there are a lot of crickets in here.” They nonchalantly were like, “Oh yeah, they’re everywhere.” Like we were talking about flowers or something. Seriously people, why do you live here?!
Next week I hit 4 states; Mississippi, Alabama, Georgia and South Carolina. Stay tuned for more adventures from the south. I’m sure there will be many.