Tag Archives: Utah

I Can Picture it in My Mind

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If you’ve been reading this blog from the time I started writing it, you have probably noticed a theme with me and weather, specifically summer.  I’ve written about my love of summer here, my wish for summer to begin here and my search for it in the dead of winter here.  So, I obviously have a thing for this season.

Yes, summer is hot in Utah (especially this summer with the hottest July on record), but it’s not crazy hot.  I mean it’s not Phoenix hot or deep south hot.  It’s just hot. And personally I think that heat kicks cold’s ass any day.  Hot summer days mean perfect summer nights spent lingering on the deck long after dinner is finished. They mean outdoor concerts and family camping trips.  Summer days mean outdoor dining at your favorite restaurant enjoying your favorite glass of wine or a margarita under the umbrella.

I find myself feeling nostalgic about a season that isn’t officially over yet because I can see the end creeping in.  Kids are going back to school (by the way, why in the hell do kids go back to school in the middle of August?), summer vacations are winding down and the days are getting shorter.  Summer always goes by too quickly in my opinion.  And although I love Utah’s fall season, I hate knowing that winter is soon to follow.

My summer has been busy with starting a new job in May, which is why I think I find myself daydreaming about a summer that really gets the shit lived out of it.  I find myself sitting in my office picturing our family spending the days at our cottage on the beach.  No, said cottage does not exist (yet), but I can picture it in my mind. Days are spent reading on our beach chairs and playing with the dog before we enjoy a beautiful summer dinner outside and finish it off by watching the sun go down.  I can feel the sand in my toes and the perfectly humid breeze hitting my skin.  Ahhhh isn’t that nice?  I mean doesn’t that just feel amazing?

You watch; one day that’s going to be my reality.  A reality in which the hardest task of the day is going to be finding the most perfect seashell I can.  Now that’s living.

Dreaming

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Today is May 1.  Two days ago it was close to 80 degrees and sunny.  Today, it’s SNOWING!  Which, by the way, none of the local meteorologists knew anything about.  In fact I just heard one of them say, “Well, there may be a few flurries going on right now.”  Ummm it’s a full-on snowstorm at my house!  Weather has been a heated topic on this blog.  As seen here.  And listen, I know that complaining doesn’t do much, but I cannot not say something about it.

Lately I’ve been thinking a lot about maybe not staying in Utah forever.  So, maybe it’s time I stopped complaining about shitty weather and moved some place where I won’t have to.  Easier said than done, right?  I mean if I keep doing the whole freelance thing, I can technically live anywhere that provides me with a decent airport nearby.  Rob’s job is a different story. I can dream though.  Hell, maybe I can do more than dream.  In fact, Rob, my brother and I have kind of a brilliant plan to simplify our lives and live more sustainably.  I’m not going to tell you, because we’re still working out the details.  Trust me that it’s brilliant though.

The thing is that I want to be a bit of a dreamer.  I don’t mean that I want to be unrealistic or irresponsible.  I just mean that I want to do more than just talk about an idea.  I want to do everything within my power to make it happen.  And if it doesn’t, at least I tried.  I’m that person that sees a documentary about someone making a dramatic change; someone living on their own terms, and I’m inspired beyond words but all I do is talk about it.  I’ll tell everyone I know how great the film was and say things like, “Why don’t we do this?”  And then I do nothing.

I’m feeling the need to try.  And I know you have no idea what it is I’m even talking about, but send your positive energy my way.  I promise to do the same in return.

“Weather” We Like it or Not

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I know I sound like a broken record, but ENOUGH with winter!  Yesterday morning we woke up to it snowing AGAIN, and even though I knew it was coming, I was still pissed.  Winter is just too damn long in the great state of Utah.  Winter is fine for December and January, but then I am done.  Done, done, done and done.

You know what would be really sweet?  To live some place where when you wake up in the morning your boogers haven’t turned to concrete in your nose from the insanely dry air.  That would be rad.  Picking those things out is not easy, people. They get so bad that it hurts to flare your nostrils the littlest bit.  Think of it as trying to pry off a piece of wax that has been sitting for way too long on a sensitive surface. I’ll let you come up with your own sensitive surface.  It should probably be one that is covered with hair.

Speaking of hair, the winter weather has not deterred Jack from digging deep into the snow, finding a turd and then rolling his hairy body in it.  He surprised me with a poop neck just this afternoon. Here’s a picture Rob took of him in the summer. Don’t feel bad for him because we’ve exposed his secret to the world.  I’m pretty sure he could care less.  Considering he is rolling in his own poop, remember.

He just can't help himself.

He just can’t help himself.

I Need a New Joke

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So I’m (finally) getting ready to travel again for work.  I have two gigs in March and two in April, so I’m starting to prepare.  Which means that I have a few calls with the client and folks that I work with in coordinating the gigs and then I get to work on making notes and delivering the course in my living room multiple times until I think I have it down.  In other words, I do a whole lot of talking to myself as I click through the slides and pretend like there are 40 people in front of me.

I always like to crack some kind of joke in the intro I give about myself to set a fun, non-stuffy mood (especially important when you’re training pharmaceutical big wigs).  My regular routine sounds something like this, “I’m based out of Salt Lake City, Utah (pause) No, I’m not a polygamist.”  Normally I get a good laugh, but at the course I taught in Basel, Switzerland, I got feedback on one of the evaluations about it.  The person wrote that the joke was “in bad taste and not necessary.” They then went on to ask if I said it for shock value.  Shock value?  Listen, if I wanted to add shock value I would at least get an F bomb in there.

I know that was only one lame ass person, but now I feel like I need a new joke.  I thought about saying something about my daily commute being by horse (since someone once asked if I traveled by horse – obviously, they don’t know anything about SLC), but these gigs are in Wyoming.  So… they may actually travel by horse.

Give me your best Utah jokes, people.  I have no problem pretending like I came up with it myself.  If it’s a hit though, I will most definitely give you credit right here on this near-famous (wink wink) blog.

Don’t Say I Didn’t Warn You

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I’m on top of things.  What I mean is I’m pretty good at knowing what is going on around me at all times.  Ok, I’m actually amazing at it.  So amazing that I typically know what’s going on with other people too.  Complete strangers, I’m talking.  No, not because I’m a snoop.  That might be a very small part of it, but the other part is simply that I’m very aware and intuitive.

I remind you of this innate ability to give myself some credibility when I say that something is about to go down.  I don’t know what that means exactly, but there have been a couple of signs today that suggest that 1) the world is about to end, 2) global warming is reminding us that it doesn’t mess around and we will pay (all weird weather can point to global warming, not just the warm kind) or 3) the birds are about to stage their attack.

It all started yesterday when I was at the nail salon getting a mani/pedi.  There’s this Vietnamese nail salon just down the road that I quite like, so I popped in as a means to help cure my winter blues and, of course, get my nails looking cute. Anyway, the owner dude is a chronic whistler.  Have you ever met one of these people?  I’m talking NONSTOP whistling.  It didn’t matter what song came on the radio; he could whistle it.  Pop, country, rap.  Yep, rap.  I’ve been to this place several times, so I’m familiar with his whistling addiction, but yesterday I sensed something a little darker behind it all.  The whistling was a bit more frantic, and I had the sense he knew something was about to go down.  There was a real negative energy.

Example number two comes today when we wake up to FREEZING RAIN.  What the fuck, Utah?  Listen, I know that lots of places deal with freezing rain, but it’s not really something we ever worry about here.  We deal with the smog, snow and cold but not the freezing rain.  Until today that is.

My final example is the birds.  You know what, I really don’t like birds.  And now that I’ve witnessed them “organizing” in my backyard, I am even more leery of them. For the past hour they have been squawking and flying frantically back and forth from tree to tree.  Oh, and dive bombing to the ground.  I’m not making this shit up. Jack even knows something is up and has spent the last 30 minutes out there chasing them and staring them down.  They are definitely up to something.

You can’t hide these signs from me, oh no.  That would work about as well as Rob trying to cover up his fart with a laugh.  Yes, he did this last night while we were sitting on the couch.  The thunderous shake underneath my ass was a dead giveaway though.  Anyway, when whatever is going to happen does in fact happen, don’t say I didn’t warn you.  I mean not that you could have done anything because I don’t know what it is, but you know what I’m saying.  Just give credit where credit is deserved.

In Search of Summer

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Remember summer?  That was fun, wasn’t it?  You walked your dog with only one layer of clothes on, lounged in the backyard with a San Pellegrino lemonade and ate dinner outside every single, glorious night.  That was really nice.  I liked it.

Fast forward to January 23.  The typical high temperature is around 20 whopping degrees, all you can think about is how to stay warm inside and out and you are almost positive you have seasonal affective disorder.

I know, I know, I keep talking about the weather.  I have lived in Utah my entire life; you’d think I’d be used to this.  No one gets used to smog so thick you can taste it or temps in the single digits though.  Ok, maybe some people get used to the cold. Let’s be honest though; those people are weird.

What do you other cold weather folks do to beat the winter blues?  Warm weather friends, need not reply.  Unless, of course, you would like to invite me to stay with you until May.  That’s an option.

Forecast

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A good part of yesterday afternoon and last night I had a headache from hell.  I’ve been getting these headaches, I think, because of the terrible air we all have to breathe here in Salt Lake.  It got so bad last night that there were several times I thought I’d blow chunks.  And I really didn’t want to blow chunks.  For a couple of reasons.  First, vomiting is not my thing.  Second, I’d just had grilled fish tacos and I was like, that is not going to be good when it comes back up.  Luckily I never hurled. I went to bed at like 9:00pm instead.

Look at this forecast description and tell me it doesn’t depress the shit out of you.

Patchy fog will once again develop this evening along the Wasatch Front along with freezing fog that will glaze over some of the roadways. Overnight lows will be in the single digits with highs in the valleys stuck in the 20s. Above the inversion, look for sunshine and warmer temperatures. Highs in the mountains will be in the upper 30s and lows 40s. The overall pattern will hold through the middle to end of next week.

I’m pretty sure we’ll be escaping to higher elevations today so we can catch our breath.  That and thaw out.

You Know It’s Cold When…

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Remember me mentioning that it’s been cold as shit in Utah?  Well, it’s still cold as shit.  It’s the big topic of discussion ’round this place lately.  And for good reason. The air sucks and we’re hitting record lows.  When the high temperature is a record low people start to get pissed.

I decided to put together a Top 10 list called “You Know It’s (stupid) Cold When…” Here’s what I’ve come up with.  Feel free to chime in with yours.

  1. People are talking about the weather not because they are trying to make small talk but because they are genuinely concerned (and pissed) about the arctic temps.
  2. You say out loud at least 15 times per day, “Oh my god, it’s cold.” Or any version of that phrase ranging from, “Do not go out there. It’s too cold” to “It’s fucking cold outside!”
  3. You warm up your car even when it’s been parked in the garage all night.
  4. Your animals, who generally love being outside, step out and look back at you like, “You’re fucking kidding me, right?  You expect me to poop in 6 degree weather?”
  5. Anytime you have to step outside for more than 10 seconds you sprint to do whatever it is you have to do.  Again, have to.  If you don’t have to go out, you won’t.
  6. You leave your coat on to eat dinner because you still haven’t warmed up enough after being outside for 30 seconds.
  7. You sleep in a hoodie, sweatpants and socks and that’s with the three extra blankets on your bed.
  8. Even the meteorologists have started voicing their opinion on the matter.  Instead of staying professional and giving the weather report matter-of-fact they’re like, “Well, it’s still miserable out there and will continue to be.  There’s just no good weather news to report, folks.”  Great.
  9. You heat up your microwave corn bag an average of 10 times per day.  Is this just me?  Ok, I do have a bit of an addiction to those things, but try one and you’ll see exactly why.
  10. You become obsessed with checking the temperature multiple times a day and then loudly let everyone know the current reading so that everyone can sigh and moan together.

I’m telling you, it sucks here right now.  Mexico anyone?

Say NO to the Birds!

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We’re hoping to take a family vacation in a few months to celebrate Em’s college graduation.  Yes, I have a stepdaughter who is old enough to have graduated from college.  Can you even believe it?!  We’re very proud of her and thought a family getaway sounded like the right way to celebrate.  Hopefully we can make it all come together.  I’ve been looking at a ton of all-inclusive resorts in Mexico, Dominican Republic and anywhere else that sounds like an awesome diversion when winter is still raging in Utah.

Quick tangent – – I’m already feeling a little sick of winter and it’s just getting rolling. Ahhhhh!  A massive winter storm finally came through pushing out the unbreathable air (not even joking around about the air; people were calling it a health emergency).  So now we have clean air but the high temperature tomorrow is 17 degrees.  17, people.  I rest my case.

Anyway, back to the vacation.  I’ve looked at countless resorts and I would venture to say that at least half of them have one or more photos of those stupid little doves (is that what they are – doves?) they like to make out of towels and place on the bed or bath in the room.  And most of the time they add some rose petals to make it look super romantic.  Is it just me or are these towel doves incredibly cheesy and outdated?  It’s like as soon as I see those damn birds I question whether or not this is a good fit for us.  Immediately I’m like, oh shit, they make those birds at this place. 

I know what you’re thinking.  I sound ridiculous.  They are simply making these god awful towel displays because they think they look nice and welcoming.  It’s a valid piece of feedback though.  I mean just look at them.

How romantic?

How romantic?

Just Like a Trucker

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I liken myself to a trucker lately.  Minus the sleeping in your rig part.  Oh, and I have yet to stop at any truck stops or show any serious butt crack (that I’m aware of). How stereotypical am I?  I can hear you all now, “NOT ALL TRUCKERS LET THEIR CRACK HANG OUT!”  I don’t mean to offend.

Seriously though.  All this driving is pretty nutty.  I never realized just how upsetting the word “recalculating” could be until I’d been driving for hours on the verge of what I like to call a pee emergency.  When she says that word (my GPS is female), I nearly have a fit.  Ok, I do have a fit.  And the words that come out of my mouth aren’t that nice.  Something like, “Hello, you told me to stay left!  The highway veered right.  Get your shit together lady!”  Although the recalculation usually loses me a total of one or two minutes, it’s still upsetting.

When I’m not driving I’m either in a Lowe’s store delivering the training or eating crap from some fast food place (trucker style, again).  And the trainings have all gone really well, but you would not believe the comments that come out of people’s mouths when I say I’m from Utah.  One guy was like, “Do you ride a horse?”  Huh? You mean to get around?  I simply replied, “No, I don’t ride any horses.”  Mind you, these are very small towns I’m in, not anything like Salt Lake.  You know, towns where they drive tractors around.  It probably didn’t help that I let them know it was Pioneer Day yesterday and then explained what that meant.  The looks on their faces said it all.  Whatever, I like Pioneer Day.

I visit two stores in South Carolina tomorrow and then I get to start my trek home. In a plane, thankfully, not a car.  What is it with what people lug onto planes these days, by the way?  I have seriously seen people carrying their full size pillow and blanket.  Have you been on an airplane, people?  There is hardly enough room for your ass let alone your entire bed set!  Sorry, I’m tired.