Tag Archives: husband

Money Maker

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I had every intention of writing this post yesterday, but somewhere between the total starvation and raging headache, I forgot.  Ok, it’s not really that bad.  Rob and I are doing a 3 day juice cleanse, so I did get a bit of a headache and felt a little hungry yesterday late afternoon, but the truth is that I feel pretty good overall. Rob, on the other hand, said eating a shoe sounded good to him.  I’ll write about it more when it’s all said and done.

In other news, I’ve come up with a new money making venture.  The freelance thing has been slow for awhile now, so I’m looking into other ways to bring in some money.  This idea happens to be one I stole from the awesomely funny television show New Girl.  It’s just such a perfect fit!

In their apartment (on the show), they have what’s called an “annoying jar.”  Every time one of the roomies does something considered annoying by any of the other roomies, the annoying one has to put money in the jar.  You might be thinking, but she doesn’t even have roommates, so what good will this do?  I do have one roommate though; my husband.  And because I love him very much, I can tell you that he is the king of annoying.  Wait, let’s capitalize that; King of Annoying.  That’s better.

In just one evening at home I guarantee you I could make a shit ton of money. Like every time he makes one of his super annoying noises, that’s like $10 in the jar. More if he’s already been asked to stop making these obnoxious sounds.  It sounds weird, I know, but Rob likes to make high-pitched noises and make other loud outbursts on a regular basis.  For some reason it’s especially bad when we’re playing Word With Friends against each other, which we do almost daily.

Rob also likes to call me all kinds of nicknames that really aren’t that cute.  I mean yes, they are pretty comical, but if I can classify them as annoying, well, money! Some of the most common names he calls me:

Slip N’ Slide

Riboflavin

Poop Pickle

Stink Biscuit

Smoke Screen

There are many more, but you get the idea.  Romantic, eh?  They are if they equal money in the jar!  Of course, I’m looking at other “job” options, but I think this could be very profitable.  Profitable, for me.  I guess Rob could end up poor.  Damn, I didn’t really think that through.

My Boys

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I love these guys.  It’s as simple as that.  They are two of my favorite people (ok, one is a dog) to spend time with.  They both do things that are incredibly annoying and frustrating, but I suppose they would say the same about me.  The two of them are going to be spending a lot of time together (“bachelors,” as Rob told Jack this morning) when I’m on the road.  I just hope Jack keeps his partying ways in check.

Doggy Mommy

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Rob and Jack made my Mom’s Day today.  After Jack’s usual 6:00am wake-up with many kisses and jamming his paws on my neck, he and Rob presented me with a hot cup of coffee, beautiful flowers and a poem.  Rob says that Jack came up with all the words, but Rob helped him write them (he doesn’t have thumbs, remember). Some of my favorite lines:

Think of the things

That I’m much better at

Like not biting dad

And putting up with the cat

Know this Mom

That I love you a lot

You can tell when I’m scolded

And run to my spot

And I know my actions

Have made you cry

But I’m trying hard

To be your Good Guy!

This is the third poem that Rob and Jack have given me, and I cherish every single one of them.  This one made me laugh and cry.  It also made me feel hopeful.  I have been so anxious about Jack lately, but I know he will get it.  We just need to practice.  Today we let him off the leash at the park and he came right back every time!

And he always puts a smile on my face.  Like a few minutes ago when I was putting some laundry away and set a couple of towels on the floor.  Anything that is soft and placed on the floor is an invitation for Jack to lay on.  Which is exactly what he did.  I love my boys!

The Things You Do for Love

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Remember that guy I’ve mentioned before named Rob?  You know, my husband of seven and a half years who farts so loudly in the middle of the night that he wakes himself up?  Yeah, that one.  Well, he continues to entertain me in ways that some might not find entertaining.  In fact, some might find them downright disgusting. Tell me which side of the fence you’re on.

First, he has this really bad habit of wearing his leather watch band while he’s riding the spin bike.  Listen, the dude sweats when he rides the bike.  And, in case you didn’t know and don’t want to try figuring it out on your own, sweat on leather smells like pure ass.  In other words, it’s a very bad combo.  What’s super nasty (and annoying) about the whole thing is that he does it over and over and over and over (and over) again.  And every time he’s like, “Uh oh, you’re going to be mad.  I left my watch on again.”  Then, he asks me to smell it.

After I refuse to smell it, he tells me like a hundred times how bad it stinks.  Then, he decides he’s going to try washing the smell out.  Ok, that’s good.  Not good? Using his foot brush to wash it.  His foot brush is the one he uses to clean his fungus toenails.  I mean he has pretty much cleared up the fungus with the anti-fungal ointment, but this still seems like a bad idea.  I try not to even comment anymore when he comes out of the bathroom and announces, “I cleaned my watch with the foot brush.”

Remember, this is a man who is beyond talented.  He has like 12 Emmy’s to his name, rides a unicycle and plays the guitar.  Yet, he CAN’T REMEMBER TO TAKE HIS GOD DAMN WATCH OFF!  Sorry, a little outburst.  Oh, and the other week I saw something on the desk, the desk where he sits everyday.  I thought maybe it was just a crumb of something, so I picked it up.  That was when I realized it was not a crumb but a booger.  Yep, a rolled up booger.  Listen, everyone rolls and then flips their boogers.  Don’t deny it. Most of us flip them into the garbage or at least onto the floor though!  For hell sakes, follow through and make sure your booger is out of site!

So, this is what I deal with on a daily basis.  Obviously, I love him.