Holy shit! I haven’t written a blog since January! I apologize for the hole I’ve created in your life. I mean you have missed it, right? You probably lie awake at night thinking, why hasn’t she written? Doesn’t she know that I live for her complaints and strange stories? Ok, I know this is not true. But wouldn’t it be cool if it were? I would be all like, “I have arrived!”

So, I’m back and I’ve come equipped with dysfunction, humor and whatever else I feel like talking about.

Dysfunction is, of course, alive and well in my family. And you know what? I welcome it. If nothing else, it gives me something to blog about. I know that every family has their share of dysfunction, but I have shit that would put others’ stories to shame. Those stories are sitting in my “drafts” at the moment, however, because I’m not quite ready to open that bag. Soon though… soon.
What I will share is that my grandparents now have three of their five children living with them. It just recently grew from two (one of which is my mom) to three when my uncle moved here from Idaho. One big happy family, right? Not exactly. Most weeks my grandma calls me with one of the following: 1) Asking if I know where my 55 year old mother is because she hasn’t heard from her all day, 2) Telling me that my mom never talks to her and that my aunt is being rude or 3) Asking me to intervene in some matter that has nothing to do with me and then saying “Fine, I’ll just be the bad guy” when I decline. Listen, if you have a connection with TLC or one of the other stations that loves reality shows, let me know. Putting cameras in this house would be nothing short of entertaining. Hoarders has nothing on these people.

Enough about the communal living arrangements. Let’s talk about some of the other weirdos in the world. There are lots of them at the gym. Maybe weirdos isn’t the right word. Different. Yes, different. Like the girl who was pointing to herself in the mirror and mouthing the words to the music on her ipod as if there weren’t a person within a 5 mile radius. Whatever gets you pumped up, eh? I’m actually jealous because she obviously doesn’t give a shit what people think about her. That or she forgot where she was.
I’m also quite entertained by the lady that rides the exercise bike in her slacks and button-up dress shirt. Personally I would be sweating like a banshee if I wore that to workout. Quick way to lose water weight, I guess.

Finally, the weather sucks. If you live in Utah, you already know this. If you don’t live in Utah, lucky you. Have I mentioned that I prefer sunshine? Well, I prefer the sunshine.

The other morning I had to spend some time in the garage digging out my platters and serving bowls for Thanksgiving. Yes, the garage. Rob and I decided that our lives weren’t chaotic enough with our insane work loads during the month of November, so we started our kitchen remodel. I know. Smart, right? So, all of my dishes are being stored in the garage. And it’s been cold as shit this past week! I’m talking single digit temps! It is so retarded.

You might be wondering why I was digging out my Thanksgiving dishes if I have no kitchen. Ok, maybe you weren’t wondering, but I’m going to tell you anyway. You see, I still cooked. I just did it at my sister’s. Thankfully she has multiple ovens, which is what I’ve always dreamed of for the turkey day meal. Plus, her microwave is also a convection oven! We totally cooked stuffing and rolls in it. It’s super impressive. You’re impressed, aren’t you?

Anyway, the kitchen remodel is really exciting for us. It’s SO much work though! No, not work that I’m doing… Well, unless you can count a little bit of sanding and painting. Work that my poor husband and brother-in-law are doing. I thought that you demolished the kitchen and then you just put all the new stuff in, but it turns out it’s way more complicated than that. It’s more like you demo the kitchen and then you spend weeks patching, leveling, mudding, sanding and eventually crying. I know for a fact that Rob has been near tears on more than one occasion. As would be expected, giving up all your free time after going 100 mph at work all day makes a person ornery. You have to keep the end result in mind though. I’m pretty sure this is the only way to survive home improvement projects. It’s that or you go postal and end up with a prescription of Xanax. Which might not be a bad stocking stuffer.

I mean Rob is in there right now and here’s what I’ve heard him say out loud so far:

“Jesus Christ.”

Blowing out breath noises

“Holy shit.”

I think I may need to get him a beer. I mean it’s noon somewhere, right?

I’m watching Oprah’s Favorite Things show right now. Have you ever seen this? If not, you are missing out. This is a show that Oprah does once a year before Christmas where she gives the audience an insane amount of presents; her favorite things. It’s so unfair. I mean apparently these people are deserving, like they’ve done a lot of giving, but I’m still really jealous.

Let me just tell you that the looks on the audience members’ faces is really a sight. Of course, we all would be freaking out if Oprah was all, “I’m going to give you diamond earrings, a Nikon camera, cashmere sweater, vacation, blah blah blah. It’s really hysterical though. I guarantee when they see themselves they’re going to be like, “Oh no, is that what I looked like?” Ugly stuff. The guys in the audience are even funnier than the women. Instead of crying and fanning themselves with their hands to stop a possible fainting incident, the dudes do a lot of fist pumping. One guy had the fist pump going while he yelled, “THAT’S WHAT I’M TALKIN’ ABOUT, THAT’S WHAT I’M TALKIN’ ABOUT!” Good stuff.

The really big bummer is that this is Oprah’s last season. Right, which means it’s her last Favorite Things show. Which means I will never be on it. Or be able to nominate someone for the show that could share their presents with me. Oh well. I’ll just go back to cleaning up the cat litter. Which, side note, I have a question about. Why do cats have to throw the litter EVERYWHERE? Can’t they just bury it without creating a god awful mess all over the floor?

This show makes me think about what I would give away if I could have my own Favorite Things show. Of course I haven’t tried out as many products as Oprah, but I definitely have some stuff I like. Like my boots from Sundance Catalog. Or my Macbook Pro laptop. And, I would never dare leave off some of my favorite cleaning devices. My ultimate favorite thing though is this bag filled with corn that you heat up in the microwave and snuggle with during the winter months. Is that sad that a microwave heat bag is my favorite thing? Well, tell me your favorite things so I can broaden my horizons!

Do you know what I could really use right now? No, besides alcohol, I mean. Yes, a good laugh. I mean another good laugh, because I had an amazing laugh yesterday at work. The word sphincter is just funny, but when someone says it on accident, in a leadership meeting, it’s WAY funnier. There’s this internal internet site – – are those called intranet- – Anyway, it’s called spinternet, but instead of saying spinternet, this guy said sphincternet. It took me a second and then I was all, “Did you just say sphincter?” That was all it took and we were all like a bunch of kids in church who are being given the death stare by their parents and know they need to stop laughing, but that just makes it that much funnier. Pretty soon you’re doing that laugh where your whole body shakes and little drops of pee squirt out. Oh come on, don’t act like you’ve never had a little bit of pee come out during a laugh session.

We calmed down eventually. That is, after our boss told us a number of times that we needed to “focus.” It’s still funny as shit though when I think about it, and I just pray that more people drop the word sphincter now and again.

The other night Rob and I were sitting in our car in a parking lot. No, we were not making out. We were actually jamming food down our throats. Anyway, all of a sudden, out of the corner of my eye, I see something fly by my side of the car. At first I thought it was a dog, but then there was a loud BANG! Yeah, as in something just hit our car. And then… I look out my window and I can see some dude’s legs just sprawled out next to the rig. I was totally freaking out, because I have no idea why this guy is laying on the ground. Did he pass out? Is he dead? So I’m screaming, “Rob, there is some guy laying on the ground next to our car! Do something!” And Rob takes another bite of his taco. Hello, there is a guy that might be dead right out the car door!
Anyway, the guy finally jumped up. Apparently he crashed on his skateboard and smacked right into our car. He looked really embarrassed, so I didn’t bother rolling down my window and being like, “Dude, are you alright? You hit our car pretty hard and scared the holy shit out of me.” So weird!

And speaking of witnessing random acts… While driving somewhere yesterday I look at the lady in the car next to me and she’s wearing a plastic glove (like the ones you wear if you work in the restaurant business) on one hand; the hand that is holding her cigarette. The hand that’s on the steering wheel is glove free, so I can only assume that she either 1) doesn’t want to yellow her fingers for vanity purposes or 2) is a secret smoker and doesn’t want people to find out from her nasty ass yellow fingers. People freak me out.