Category Archives: Uncategorized

Literally Putting the Fun in Dysfunction

My family is so fun.  I know I’ve talked about this before.  Like here.  But seriously people, it is kind of out of hand how much of a good time we have together.  I mean we like genuinely like hanging out together.  Our latest hangout, which sadly all the fam couldn’t make, was a trip to Cali.  Last year we went there for Stevie’s Make-A-Wish Trip and so we decided to go back again this year to remember her and celebrate the amazing time she had there just shortly before she passed.

Day one was just a day of hanging out before Universal Studios.  So we did what everyone does that is traveling with a group of 10 and has a day in Long Beach.  We got hammered at a Mexican restaurant and then hung out at the Lakewood Mall.  Oh, that’s not what everyone does?  Well whatever.  That’s what we do.  In all fairness, not all of us were hammered.  My sister’s father-in-law was the instigator and the one ordering all the drinks, so I’m sure he was, but I suppose I should let everyone speak for themselves.  Seriously though, leave it to the old guy to try to get everyone drunk.  Leave it to the rest of us to decide to go to the mall.  It wasn’t even a good mall.  It did have a Target though.  Dylan immediately made use of the Halloween costumes.  You have to admit, he looks really good as a banana.

Yes, he also found some aviator sunglasses and, of course, a weapon.

Yes, he also found some aviator sunglasses and, of course, a weapon.

Day two was really the whole point of the trip – It was the day to get our scare on at Universal Studios for Halloween Horror Nights!  This is what we did for Stevie’s trip last year, and I am happy to say that I got the shit scared out of me repeatedly once again.  She would have loved that.  Here we are looking scary… or dead.  I don’t know.  Just pretend it’s cool.

We are amazing posers.

We are amazing posers.

After being really scared and really tired, it was time to spend a day relaxing at Newport Beach.  We were lucky enough to stay in a beautiful beach house, and I realized once again, that I really would be good at being rich.  As in, I could totally do the whole Newport Beach beach house thing.  Plus, I’m not at all awkward when running into famous people.  While taking the beach cruisers for a spin with my sister and brother, Mark McGrath from the band Sugar Ray (act like you love them and still know who they are) was also out cruising.  My calm, cool response was to scream and point, “Hey, you’re that guy!”  I don’t know why he didn’t stop and ask us to swing by his place later.  Weird.  It may have been because it took Jess, Spence and I the rest of the bike ride to come up with the first line of their most popular song.  Mark probably knew we weren’t true fans.  I don’t have a picture to prove my celebrity sighting, but I have this picture.

Jess and Spence cruising.

Jess and Spence cruising.

In closing, vacations with my family are kind of amazing.  We laughed so much on this trip (partly because I’m hilarious) and you could just feel the love we have for each other and for Stevie Roonie. Thanks for keeping us together, Stevie.  We know you’re always along for the ride.  Here’s the whole group, some with zombie eyes, which is perfect for a Halloween trip.  Also, I can’t seem to fix it.

A fresh seafood dinner!

A fresh seafood dinner!

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Camping Rehab

We took Jack on his first camping trip to Zions for Memorial weekend.  We took him for a few reasons: 1) We didn’t really have a dog sitter available, 2) We needed to find out if he liked camping (we are a camping family) and 3) We thought it would be a lot of socialization/rehab for him.  And guess what?!  It turns out he loves camping and he is making HUGE steps in his rehabilitation.

Rob knew that this camping trip would require a lot of him.  I’m just far too nervous with the whole biting issue, and I know Jack senses that when he’s meeting someone for the first time.  So, Rob did all the introductions (which means lots of treats for Jack).  And other than some snapping at our nephew, Dylan (getting used to kids is going to be awhile) and then a weird incident with our brother-in-law, Heath, he was a rockstar!  He was off the leash a ton and the majority of the time came right back when he was called (he also looked at us and kept going the other way a few times to be a shit).  No, he’s not done with his rehab, but he is so on his way.

Once I know that Jack is calm and OK around someone, then I am too.  I am so grateful for Rob and his calm nature.  Perhaps with a prescription of Xanax I could be mellow as well.  I’m just the worried mom though, and I’m learning alongside Jack to take a deep breath and relax.  Just look how chill the guy is here.

Jack chillin’ in the trailer

Proud Parents

Jack graduated from obedience school on Monday night.  Yes, they do a little ceremony where the dogs receive certificates (which we plan on framing) and a little toy.  I don’t think he really cares about the certificate, but he’s already started to chew the shit out of the toy.  Here’s a little clip of him graduating.  I know you’re dying to see it.

Did you hear how impressed the trainer was with his focus?  Star student!

The Wearing of Robes

So, this is completely strange, but the neighbors that lived next door to us now live across the street from us.  One day Rob was like, “So, it looks like the neighbors across the street are moving.”  (Yes, that’s right, we don’t know their names).  And then I realized that immediately after they were moved out the neighbors across the street started hauling their boxes and furniture over.  Are you confused yet?  Read it again.  It makes more sense the second time.

We’re actually kind of bummed that the neighbors that previously lived across the street moved out.  Not because we knew them or anything.  I mean we exchanged a few words here and there, but it’s really just because they totally cleaned the place up.  Yes, it bothers us when people let their yards and houses go to shit.  It brings the whole neighborhood down!  Never, never store large appliances or vehicles on your front lawn.  These things do not count as lawn art.

We have no idea what the story is with the neighbors that moved from next door to across the street.  We’ve spoken like fifteen words to each other.  I think it’s some sort of communal living situation, because there seems to be a grandma, some adult kids and then some small kids.  And like I’m pretty sure no one really works. Seriously, they are ALWAYS home… in their robes!  I am not exaggerating when I say that every time I’ve seen the son or the mom outside, they have been wearing a robe.  Yes, they have like sweat pants on as well, but seriously?  The dude is like a chain smoker, so he spends a lot of time out on the front porch burning heaters in his bath robe.  It doesn’t matter what time of the day it is, he will be sporting that robe.  Every time I see him I think, YOU ARE NOT HUGH HEFNER!  You can’t wear a god damn robe ALL DAY long!  Not that I think it’s OK Hugh Hefner does it either.  I don’t get the whole Hef thing at all, but that’s another blog entirely.

It’s a What?!

Yesterday I stopped off at Calling All Dogs to pick up a couple of chew toys and bones for Jack.  He’s pretty much chewed the shit out of his stuffed bird and doesn’t seem to care for the bones we got him, so I thought I’d try some new stuff.  This is the same place that we take Jack for his obedience school, so I really think they know what they’re talking about.  One of our trainers came over when I was shopping and asked if I’d ever given Jack a bully stick.  I haven’t.  They were in the jars on the tables with all the other bones, so I assumed, naturally, that they were also bones. The lady was like, “If you care about the smell, you can get one of the non-odor ones.”  I assumed (lots of assuming going on) that they would just smell like bones and I don’t really mind that smell, so I was like, “No, I don’t care about the smell.” Plus, I didn’t take the time to sniff it before I put it in the bag.

Today I thought I’d give it to Jack.  So, I pulled it out of the bag and realized the smell was kind of god awful.  Still though, I thought if he likes it, it’s OK.  After he’s nibbled on it for awhile, I’ll put it away.  I’m a curious one, so while he was chewing on it I googled, “bully sticks.”  Everything was positive and said how good they are for the dog, all natural, last a long time.  And then I saw what they actually are. Holy shit, I was not prepared for this!  Are you ready?  They are, in fact, not bones. Nope. They are…. BULL PENISES!  OH MY GOD!  Why is my cute, sweet, innocent dog chewing and licking a bull penis?  Can someone please explain to me why this has happened?  The worst part is that every time I smell it, I think of a bull penis. And when I went to put it away… Yep, bull penis.

I really don’t even want to know how these “sticks” came to be.  If they are indeed good for him, I will let him do what he wishes with the stick.  I’m disturbed though. Very, very disturbed.

A Day in the Life

Do you ever wonder what a day in the life of someone else is like?  I hear about some people’s days and I want to kill myself.  In case you were curious (not that you were, but just in case), here is what my day today was like.  Of course, everyday is different depending on whether I have a trip, am on babysitting duty, etc.

3:15am (yeah, I’m starting it early):  Jack jumps onto our bed.  Normally, we don’t let him come up until our alarms go off, but the night before Rob called him up at 2:00am thinking it would help him sleep.  Uhhhh not a good habit.  He may only weigh 16 pounds, but he has this way of elongating his body which leaves me about two inches of bed to sleep on.  Anyway, I let him stay and am awake until after 4:00am because I can’t figure out how to get comfortable without squashing him.

6:00am: My alarm goes off.  No, I don’t have anywhere to be that early, but I like getting stuff done in the morning, having breakfast with Rob, etc.  Plus, I’m asleep by like 10:00pm, so I’ve had plenty of sleep by then.

6:15am: Rob and I hang in the office looking at emails, stalking people on Facebook, etc. while we drink our coffee.

6:40am: Whip up healthy breakfast smoothie in the Vitamix complete with spinach, kale, apple, banana, flax seeds and raw protein powder.

7:00am: Rob takes Jack for a walk while I clean up breakfast and get Jack’s food ready.  Remember, the little snob requires a small amount of wet food mixed with his dry food.

7:15am: Make bed, brush teeth and make a to-do list for the day.

8:00am: Rob leaves for work.  I do some training with Jack and then get my yoga bag ready.

8:45am: Leave for yoga.

8:55am: Arrive at yoga, practice yoga, rinse off after yoga and drive home from yoga.

11:10am: Kiss Jack a ridiculous amount of times when he greets me at the door, throw my nasty yoga clothes and towel into the laundry, spend some time with the cat (I know, it’s obvious I’m neglecting her).

11:30am: Eat lunch and guzzle water like there’s no tomorrow (remember all the sweating at yoga).

Noon: Spend some more time on the computer, clean the cat’s litter box, vacuum the basement, start a load of wash because I now have a couple of day’s worth of disgusting yoga clothes.

1:00pm: Dust upstairs, mop the kitchen floor and play with Jack for a bit in the backyard.

1:45pm: Take Jack for his afternoon walk.

2:10pm: Take a shower (yes, I procrastinated this today).

3:00pm: Sit down to watch Ellen and decide against it when I get embarrassed for an audience member.  Quick detour… Ellen plays this game called ‘Know or Go’ where people have to answer questions.  If they get them wrong, they fall through this hole.  (It’s really fun to watch most of the time).  Chick today was asked to list 5 words that mean the same thing as the word big.  She froze up completely and then she said, “Shawshank Redemption.”  What the fuck?

3:15pm: Mailman arrives.  I have been waiting for a check , so I rush out to the mailbox.  Check has arrived!

3:25pm: Drive to the bank and deposit said check.  Stop at the gas station to fill up my ginormous gas tank (ginormous… there’s another word for big, you idiot!).

3:45pm: Sit down to write this blog.

Obviously the day is not over.  I’m hoping it ends with a nice dinner date with my husband and some snuggle time as a family with Kitty and Jack.

Hope for All

Remember my mother’s shitty texting?  If not, you can read all about it here.  I would like to report that my mom has worked very hard and is now texting whole sentences.  Plus, she’s using a crazy amount of punctuation!  Previously her response to my text would be, “K”  Now, she’s like, “Ok!”  The full sentences (like multiple sentences in one text) are blowing my mind.  I am over-the-top impressed. If you feel like you’ve lost all hope for a loved one with texting dysfunction, don’t give up.

Christmas is the season of perpetual hope, right?  That’s what the mom on “Home Alone” said anyway.  Is it sad that I still love that movie?  I was so stoked when Stevie wanted to watch it.  She probably quickly regretted it when she realized I still know every line and before every scene I’m like, “Oh, this is a good part.  This is so funny what he does to the the bad guys.”  As a child my dad got really mad at me when I insisted on saying every line right before the character on the movie said it. I couldn’t help that my memory was amazing.

Anyway, back to the hope thing.  Here are the items currently on my “hope” list (in no particular order).  I hope:

1. that the air will clear up so that it’s possible to breathe when taking my dog for a walk

2. that Jack and Kitty can figure out how to live in the same house (not on separate floors)

3. that my sister and her husband can go on a date soon (yes, I’ll babysit!)

4.that Stevie will have better health in the coming year

5. that there will be world peace… ok, this one is a long shot

I’m sure there are more “hopes” on my list, but I don’t want to sound hopey.  Get it?  Like needy but with hope?  Terrible, I know.  Well, here’s hoping (or would it be wishing?) you all a happy holiday season!