Category Archives: deep thoughts

Finding My Way

I’m about to turn another year older (March 26th if you’re interested in sending a birthday shout out my way – no pressure).  I’m totally fine turning another year older.  Yes, because I’m young but also because it feels like this is a time in my life when I’m really starting to figure a lot of shit out.  I’ve always been that person that feels and acts older than their biological age.  Part of this is my nature and part of it is a result of my environment.  The challenges I was faced with when I was younger helped me mature and grow in ways I’m sure I wouldn’t have otherwise (that was a positive, Mom).  And although there are times when I wish I would have been more of a carefree kid, I am who I am because of my experiences.  Despite those experiences though, I’m still finding my way; figuring out where to focus my energy.

Life is hard.  Whether we’re consumed everyday with caring for a sick child or just trying to stay afloat and relevant in our job/industry, it can feel hopeless at times.  I fight with my anxiety and the negative thoughts in my head every single day.  But I’m learning.  I’m learning to focus on the positive and surround myself with people that do the same.  I’m learning to shake off the mean, unnecessary comments (after I vent to my sister about them first, of course) that can get stuck in my head and make me worry WAY too much.  I’m letting go of expectations that are only going to bring disappointment and accept what people are capable of giving.

I don’t expect this to be the year that I figure it all out (do we ever?), but I feel like it will be a year of renewed hope.  A year to worry less and enjoy more.  I’m not planning to jump out of any airplanes (I will never do this) or summit any peaks, but I am planning to be present in my life.  That, my friends, is living.

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Ring in the New, PLEASE!

You know what’s not good?  When years start mixing together.  Like 2010 becomes 2011, becomes 2012 and you pretty much remember jack shit about any of it.  Or, you remember that it maybe wasn’t as great as it should have been.  Which is ridiculous if you’re me, because I have so much to be happy about; so much others would look at and say, “Holy shit woman, your life is pretty sweet.”

I’m totally not a New Year’s Resolutions person, but I do want to make a concentrated effort to simply enjoy life more.  I’m sick of being worried and anxious and nervous.  Yes, these are real and legitimate feelings, but I have to work through them, right?  RIGHT?!  I will never be that go-with-the-flow, completely spontaneous person, but I think I can make some tweaks and adjustments here and there.  I can be fun goddammit!

Life is hard.  There’s a lot to navigate, and it’s easy to get caught up in the daily grind and forget about the big picture.  It’s easy to worry yourself sick (me) and stop doing the things that bring joy and fulfillment into your life.  You know, because you have stuff to get done!  There are responsibilities and obligations; things that MUST be done.  Oh wait, maybe they don’t have to be done.  Not right now.  Not today.

I’m going to surround myself with people that help me remember this.  People that are positive and can remind me that it’s not the end of the world if you have someone over and your dog takes a nip at them (God, I’m sick of worrying about this).  I want to spend time with the people that I love.  Quality time.  Instead of thinking ahead to tomorrow or even the end of the evening, I want to enjoy the moment I’m in.

There are people in my life that have far greater challenges than me (I’m looking at you, sister).  I want to help these people more, make them laugh and help them find some peace in their day.  I want to let go of anger and resentment and… OK, this might be too much.  I might be trying to take on more than I can handle.  Maybe I can just take it day by day.  Today is a new day, and for that I am grateful.

Happy New Year everyone!

Reflection

I’m in kind of a reflective mood lately.  Maybe it’s the time of year, maybe it’s the doings of my therapist (yes, I have one) or maybe I’m just getting old.  Whatever the reason, I’m happy about it.  In fact, I want to actively spend more time reflecting.  It doesn’t always need to be about something big.  Small things matter too, people. So, I’ve been reflecting on the last couple of weeks and I’ve come up with my “learning list.”

Bowel movements make everyone feel better –

In this case I’m referring to my dog’s bowel movements, but I do think (and know thanks to Dr. Oz) that they are important for everyone.  Jack managed to get one of his toenails ripped off last Sunday, which has turned him into a total gimp.  Before we took him to the vet to get him hooked up with some pain meds, the poor little dude didn’t want to do much of anything.  Which meant no walks.  Walks are when Jack poops, so no walks meant no pooping.  We tried and tried to get him to just go in the backyard but he would just stare at us and eventually sit down in the snow. On Tuesday he basically pulled Rob out the door to walk, and thank God, because he took a massive dump.  A dump which we celebrated.

Spending time with someone you love is therapeutic – 

My sister, Jessica, has the most challenging life of anyone I know.  Having a sick child with difficult behavior issues (this is an understatement) requiring 24-hour supervision would send most people to the nuthouse immediately.  Not Jess.  Nope. She’s a warrior.  And despite her crazy life, she manages to listen to my problems, support me and make me smile.

Playing and laughing with my nephew brings incredible joy –

Dylan, my 9-year-old nephew, and I don’t get to spend a lot of time together.  When I’m at their house, I’m usually watching his sister (the one requiring 24-hour supervision).  That and he doesn’t like me telling him what to do, so we clash a lot of the time.  Last week my sister had an appointment and Stevie was asleep, so Dylan and I actually got to play.  And it was so fun!  I always have stories to tell after I hang with Dyl.  This time he told me about a deaf kid in his gymnastics class, so I was like, “Oh, that’s cool.  Maybe you can learn some sign language.”  Dylan responded by telling me that he already does sign language to the kid and then proceeded to flash me some gang sign to prove it.  Pure awesome right there.

So there you have it.  Don’t worry, these sappy posts won’t continue.  I’ve got plenty of negative, sarcastic script just waiting to be written.

Getting Political

I can honestly say that I liked presidential election years a lot better before Facebook was around.  As if the negative ads and endless analyzing on TV weren’t enough, now you have to read a bunch of political posts from people that, I’m sorry to say, sound like complete fucking lunatics.  No, I don’t think they’re crazy because they disagree with my political views.  I think they’re crazy because they share things that the Tea Party posted.  Come on Republican friends, you have to admit that the Tea Party is bat shit CRAZY!

Oh, and the negativity.  God, the negativity!  It’s one thing to say you disagree with a candidate’s politics.  It’s another to say you think they’re a terrorist who is out to ruin the country.  Do people really believe this bullshit?  If the answer is yes, I am afraid.  Granted, I live in one of the reddest states in the country.  This means that many of my Facebook friends fall into the red category.  Again, fine.  Not fine? Posting things like, “Well, goodbye America.  Hello wannabe USSR.”  Yep, someone said that.

I am a huge Jon Stewart fan (I seriously wish he could be my best friend), and his post-election night show was on the money.  Oh Karl Rove, I’m so embarrassed for you.  I know it’s hard to admit that your guy lost, but this is just plain sad.  If you have time and want a good laugh, watch the clip below.

Jon Stewart

The Anti-Anxiety Project

Have any of you read the book The Happiness Project?  Well, I have.  The project started when the author decided she wasn’t really “living” her life.  You know, she was just sort of going through the paces, and while she appeared to have a perfect life on the outside, she wasn’t really deriving a lot of joy from it.  So, she spent a year focusing on the small stuff and writing a book about it.  A book which not only brought her happiness but also a shit ton of cash, I’m sure.

Anyway, I read this book probably a year or so ago, but I’ve recently started thinking about it.  Thinking that maybe I should embark on a 365-day journey of some sort. (Also, I watched the movie Julie & Julia the other night – – another 365-day journey).  Am I happy?  Overall, yes.  Do I live in the moment?  Not usually.  Do I have a crazy amount of anxiety that probably warrants medication?  Maybe.

It might seem strange that I’m OK sharing this stuff with people I don’t really know (I know some of you, yes, but I also have readers that I know nothing about), but I’m thinking this blog can serve as a therapy of sorts.  Only instead of this being a happiness project, I’m calling it The Anti-Anxiety Project.  What do you think?  I have no idea what that really means or what I’ll need to do each day to succeed, but I’m kind of digging the concept.

In order for this to work, I need your ideas.  What are some ways that you relieve stress and anxiety in your lives? Big and small, but mostly small.  Start sharing your thoughts.  In the meantime, I’ll continue writing about my daily observations and strange happenings.  Here’s a silly one that I’ll leave you with…. While driving last week, the car in front of me had a bumper sticker that read, “watch out  for the idiot driving behind me.”  And because I’m quick I realized hey, wait a second, that’s me! How rude is that?  Although that bumper sticker totally worked for the guy with two fake legs that rammed into the back of me.

Good Vibes

You know what?  Being positive is kind of awesome.  I am definitely not the world’s most positive person.  I blame all the cynics in my family (these cynics make for great material though).  And myself, of course.  I’m all about personal responsibility lately.

After all the stress and anxiety about Jack, I finally feel like I understand what I have to do.  After reading and researching, I have learned that so much of your dog’s behavior is directly linked to your behavior.  Dogs can totally sense your energy.  And my energy was shit, to be honest.  I was just so anxious and always had knots in my stomach worrying about whether Jack was going to bite someone.  Listen, I am not 100% cured of that, but I am so on my way.  I feel this renewed sense of leadership and confidence, which is exactly what he needs.  He needs pack leaders! Rob is already an amazing pack leader, but I have a feeling that six months down the road I’m going to be right there with him.

Plus, I just want to be calmer and more balanced in my life.  Not just for my dog but for me.  And for my family and those people that I love.  Holy shit, I should start doing motivational speaking or something, right?!

Ok, this might be too much positivity for some of you.  So, on a more depressing and negative note…. Actually, I have nothing.  Can you believe it?  I seriously can’t even think of anything negative.  Of course, it is only 8:00am.

The Daily – Filling up the Jar

I really want a vacation.  Rob really needs a vacation.  We’re not going on vacation anytime soon.  What it really comes down to though is that perhaps, just perhaps, we’re not enjoying the regular ol’ days that are quickly passing us by.  And yes, it is really difficult to do so when your job is sucking all of the energy and life out of you.

At the beginning of 2012 Rob and I created a “memory jar” so that we can capture all the big and small happy moments we enjoy throughout the year.  So far there are 4 in the jar.  Not because we haven’t had good times and happy moments but because we haven’t taken the time to recognize them.  That’s about to change.  This jar is about to get worked!