Remember summer? That was fun, wasn’t it? You walked your dog with only one layer of clothes on, lounged in the backyard with a San Pellegrino lemonade and ate dinner outside every single, glorious night. That was really nice. I liked it.
Fast forward to January 23. The typical high temperature is around 20 whopping degrees, all you can think about is how to stay warm inside and out and you are almost positive you have seasonal affective disorder.
I know, I know, I keep talking about the weather. I have lived in Utah my entire life; you’d think I’d be used to this. No one gets used to smog so thick you can taste it or temps in the single digits though. Ok, maybe some people get used to the cold. Let’s be honest though; those people are weird.
What do you other cold weather folks do to beat the winter blues? Warm weather friends, need not reply. Unless, of course, you would like to invite me to stay with you until May. That’s an option.
Is it obvious that I’m trying to write a blog everyday? I’ve made this commitment before, so there’s no telling whether or not I’ll stick to it this time. I’m trying though. I really am.
As I write this, I’m watching my crazy neighbor across the street rock back and forth on the porch in her robe smoking a cig. Remember her? Yeah, she still hangs out in her robe all day. Only now she has a new robe. Another pink one, but it’s brighter than the other one and from what I can tell this one has hearts on it. First of all, it’s weird to be hanging out in your robe all day and second, it’s 20 degrees! Put some god damn clothes on already!
Oh, and the rocking back and forth. I wish I could get close enough to shoot some video. You would not believe the movement! Honest to God, the woman does not stop rocking back and forth. Ever! I have never seen her stand still. Never. It must be a meth thing. It’s not to stay warm because she does it in the summer too.
A couple of weeks ago Rob and I were hanging out in the living room when we spotted her out rocking by the garbage can. Because we find this woman to be highly entertaining we continued to watch her for some time. During which she pulled random things out of the garbage can all while rocking back and forth, smoking a cig and I believe eating a snack. If this is what meth or whatever drugs she’s on do to you, bring your kids over to watch. I mean I can’t imagine they would want to try any of that shit if they could witness first hand the kind of damage it does. No one wants to have to sway back and forth like that on a continuous basis. No one.
Remember me mentioning that it’s been cold as shit in Utah? Well, it’s still cold as shit. It’s the big topic of discussion ’round this place lately. And for good reason. The air sucks and we’re hitting record lows. When the high temperature is a record low people start to get pissed.
I decided to put together a Top 10 list called “You Know It’s (stupid) Cold When…” Here’s what I’ve come up with. Feel free to chime in with yours.
- People are talking about the weather not because they are trying to make small talk but because they are genuinely concerned (and pissed) about the arctic temps.
- You say out loud at least 15 times per day, “Oh my god, it’s cold.” Or any version of that phrase ranging from, “Do not go out there. It’s too cold” to “It’s fucking cold outside!”
- You warm up your car even when it’s been parked in the garage all night.
- Your animals, who generally love being outside, step out and look back at you like, “You’re fucking kidding me, right? You expect me to poop in 6 degree weather?”
- Anytime you have to step outside for more than 10 seconds you sprint to do whatever it is you have to do. Again, have to. If you don’t have to go out, you won’t.
- You leave your coat on to eat dinner because you still haven’t warmed up enough after being outside for 30 seconds.
- You sleep in a hoodie, sweatpants and socks and that’s with the three extra blankets on your bed.
- Even the meteorologists have started voicing their opinion on the matter. Instead of staying professional and giving the weather report matter-of-fact they’re like, “Well, it’s still miserable out there and will continue to be. There’s just no good weather news to report, folks.” Great.
- You heat up your microwave corn bag an average of 10 times per day. Is this just me? Ok, I do have a bit of an addiction to those things, but try one and you’ll see exactly why.
- You become obsessed with checking the temperature multiple times a day and then loudly let everyone know the current reading so that everyone can sigh and moan together.
I’m telling you, it sucks here right now. Mexico anyone?