Tag Archives: winter

Don’t Say I Didn’t Warn You

I’m on top of things.  What I mean is I’m pretty good at knowing what is going on around me at all times.  Ok, I’m actually amazing at it.  So amazing that I typically know what’s going on with other people too.  Complete strangers, I’m talking.  No, not because I’m a snoop.  That might be a very small part of it, but the other part is simply that I’m very aware and intuitive.

I remind you of this innate ability to give myself some credibility when I say that something is about to go down.  I don’t know what that means exactly, but there have been a couple of signs today that suggest that 1) the world is about to end, 2) global warming is reminding us that it doesn’t mess around and we will pay (all weird weather can point to global warming, not just the warm kind) or 3) the birds are about to stage their attack.

It all started yesterday when I was at the nail salon getting a mani/pedi.  There’s this Vietnamese nail salon just down the road that I quite like, so I popped in as a means to help cure my winter blues and, of course, get my nails looking cute. Anyway, the owner dude is a chronic whistler.  Have you ever met one of these people?  I’m talking NONSTOP whistling.  It didn’t matter what song came on the radio; he could whistle it.  Pop, country, rap.  Yep, rap.  I’ve been to this place several times, so I’m familiar with his whistling addiction, but yesterday I sensed something a little darker behind it all.  The whistling was a bit more frantic, and I had the sense he knew something was about to go down.  There was a real negative energy.

Example number two comes today when we wake up to FREEZING RAIN.  What the fuck, Utah?  Listen, I know that lots of places deal with freezing rain, but it’s not really something we ever worry about here.  We deal with the smog, snow and cold but not the freezing rain.  Until today that is.

My final example is the birds.  You know what, I really don’t like birds.  And now that I’ve witnessed them “organizing” in my backyard, I am even more leery of them. For the past hour they have been squawking and flying frantically back and forth from tree to tree.  Oh, and dive bombing to the ground.  I’m not making this shit up. Jack even knows something is up and has spent the last 30 minutes out there chasing them and staring them down.  They are definitely up to something.

You can’t hide these signs from me, oh no.  That would work about as well as Rob trying to cover up his fart with a laugh.  Yes, he did this last night while we were sitting on the couch.  The thunderous shake underneath my ass was a dead giveaway though.  Anyway, when whatever is going to happen does in fact happen, don’t say I didn’t warn you.  I mean not that you could have done anything because I don’t know what it is, but you know what I’m saying.  Just give credit where credit is deserved.

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In Search of Summer

Remember summer?  That was fun, wasn’t it?  You walked your dog with only one layer of clothes on, lounged in the backyard with a San Pellegrino lemonade and ate dinner outside every single, glorious night.  That was really nice.  I liked it.

Fast forward to January 23.  The typical high temperature is around 20 whopping degrees, all you can think about is how to stay warm inside and out and you are almost positive you have seasonal affective disorder.

I know, I know, I keep talking about the weather.  I have lived in Utah my entire life; you’d think I’d be used to this.  No one gets used to smog so thick you can taste it or temps in the single digits though.  Ok, maybe some people get used to the cold. Let’s be honest though; those people are weird.

What do you other cold weather folks do to beat the winter blues?  Warm weather friends, need not reply.  Unless, of course, you would like to invite me to stay with you until May.  That’s an option.

Witnessing Stupidity

In my last entry I talked about the horrendous air we’re breathing here in Salt Lake. It’s so bad that there is no way every single person living here could not know about it.  And know how bad it is to breathe it in for long periods of time (short periods of time, actually).  Yet I’ve witnessed people jogging (one in a t-shirt and shorts) on almost a daily basis.

The best eyewitness account though?  A dude was out riding a stationary bike on State Street as a form of advertising for an exercise equipment store.  It was like the manager said, “You know what, swinging a sign around is just not enough.  Let’s have him ride one of the bikes we want to sell in this toxic, freezing air.  Yeah, that’s just what we’ll do.”  When that guy gets lung cancer he should totally sue.

Say NO to the Birds!

We’re hoping to take a family vacation in a few months to celebrate Em’s college graduation.  Yes, I have a stepdaughter who is old enough to have graduated from college.  Can you even believe it?!  We’re very proud of her and thought a family getaway sounded like the right way to celebrate.  Hopefully we can make it all come together.  I’ve been looking at a ton of all-inclusive resorts in Mexico, Dominican Republic and anywhere else that sounds like an awesome diversion when winter is still raging in Utah.

Quick tangent – – I’m already feeling a little sick of winter and it’s just getting rolling. Ahhhhh!  A massive winter storm finally came through pushing out the unbreathable air (not even joking around about the air; people were calling it a health emergency).  So now we have clean air but the high temperature tomorrow is 17 degrees.  17, people.  I rest my case.

Anyway, back to the vacation.  I’ve looked at countless resorts and I would venture to say that at least half of them have one or more photos of those stupid little doves (is that what they are – doves?) they like to make out of towels and place on the bed or bath in the room.  And most of the time they add some rose petals to make it look super romantic.  Is it just me or are these towel doves incredibly cheesy and outdated?  It’s like as soon as I see those damn birds I question whether or not this is a good fit for us.  Immediately I’m like, oh shit, they make those birds at this place. 

I know what you’re thinking.  I sound ridiculous.  They are simply making these god awful towel displays because they think they look nice and welcoming.  It’s a valid piece of feedback though.  I mean just look at them.

How romantic?

How romantic?

Success!

So the trip was a huge success.  I’m talking fits of laughter, clapping and cheering and spontaneous dancing in the kitchen.  We ate amazing food (if I do say so myself), played in the snow, watched Christmas movies, colored, read, decorated cookies, soaked in the hot tub and just really enjoyed each other’s company.  Even Heath had a rockin’ good time day two after we introduced him to Fireball Whiskey. He was feeling so good he threw my sister in the hot tub with all of her clothes on. After threatening to do the same to Rob, Rob voluntarily got in the with him.  I later learned they set up some sort of obstacle course in which they would roll in the snow three times, run to a tree and then run back into the hot tub.  I’m pretty sure the neighbors were thoroughly entertained by us.  That or really scared.

I know this is going to sound really sappy, but there were moments when I felt overwhelming love for my family.  I’m serious.  I really like being with these people. We have our issues and don’t always see eye to eye, but everyone came together for this trip.  And I’m serious when I say that spending a holiday weekend with my family was the best gift I’ve ever received.  We’re strange and some of us (Dylan) decapitate gingerbread men and turn the gingerbread house into a zombie house while others of us wear our pants pulled up to our boobs (Heath), but we’re funny as shit and know how to have a good time.

Here are some pics Rob took that capture the moments perfectly.  Not that you want to see a family slideshow, but, well, too bad.

Dylan romping in the snow

Dylan romping in the snow

Stevie braving the elements

Stevie braving the elements

Mom of the Century

Mom of the Century



Surprise attack!  Jess is going in the hot tub clothes and all.

Surprise attack! Jess is going in the hot tub clothes and all.

The cooks in the kitchen!

The cooks in the kitchen!

Proof of the pants

Proof of the pants

My dad is stoked about something and the gift isn't even open yet!

My dad is stoked about something and the gift isn’t even open yet!

Mom and Dyl; best buds

Mom and Dyl; best buds

My bro is too cool for words

My bro is too cool for words

Em getting her sled on!

Em getting her sled on!

Cookie decorating!

Cookie decorating!

How's that for happy?

How’s that for happy?

The photographer actually made it in a shot.

The photographer actually made it in a shot.