Tag Archives: kids

Out of the Mouths of Babes

So I’m walking through the aisles at Target the other day when a mom, dad and their daughter pass me.  The girl was probably 7, I’m guessing, and as they pass she says to her parents, “Well, sometimes she calls me a bastard.”  And, of course, I bust up laughing as the mom is like, “Whaaat?!”  I’m assuming this is the first time she’s heard her daughter use such profanity.  Maybe not, but she was clearly shocked, and I thought it was awesome.

I am aware that it’s not really a good thing when your child swears, but you have to admit that it’s hysterical.  My baby sister, who is 10 years younger than me, swore all the time as a little kid.  She even used the swear words in the appropriate context.  At the wee age of about 2, she scolded me for taking a sip of her water by telling me, “You don’t dink my dink, you little bitch.”  Yes, she couldn’t say drink correctly, but bitch she had down.  Years later, when she clearly understood that swearing was not exactly a good thing for kids to do, I may or may not have put a bar of soap in her mouth.  She still talks about it like I’m the worst person on the planet.  Kid clearly needed to learn a lesson though.

I was not really one to be enforcing the whole no swearing thing, however.  I swore like a sailor when I was a kid.  I’m talking on a daily basis.  My dad swore so much that every time I blurted out a profanity I would follow it with, “I’m just quoting my dad.”  Somehow that made it perfectly ok.  One New Year’s Eve I even made a resolution to stop swearing (I think I was like 9), and right at midnight I picked up my pots and pants and yelled, “Happy Fuckin’ New Year’s!”  I am not lying.

Clearly I had a problem.  I changed my ways after I met some wholesome kids around the age of 10 and decided I should clean up my act.  I mean now I swear every fucking day, but you can do that when you’re an adult.  Same with eating cake for dinner should you so choose.

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More on Words

After I finished yesterday’s blog I was like, holy shit, I could have typed so many more things that come out of Stevie’s mouth. The kid has been through A LOT, so don’t judge.  Or do judge but act like you didn’t.  Here are some more favorites:

“Let me smell your breath.”  Stevie is very into smelling things (she’s like a dog in many ways).  For this one, we do ask her to ask a different question.  You should see the look on people’s faces.

“You have kids?”  If the person answers that they do have kids, Stevie has some follow-up questions, such as:

“And what they did (this is what did they do) when they were in your stomach?” or

“And you pushed?”  Stevie is very into labor/delivery stories.  What, we let her watch Baby Story on TLC.

“Dance.”  She is so demanding and just expects that someone she just met is going to bust out their best moves.

“Hold me.”  Again, said to strangers on a regular basis.

“Do a backflip.”  My sister reminded me of this one.  She requests it of me all the time.  Last time I tried explaining that I don’t know how to do a backflip and certainly wasn’t about to attempt it on the tile kitchen floor, she said, “Watch and learn.”  She then proceeded to a do a somersault (thank God!).

“What are you here for?”  This is what she asks people in doctor’s waiting rooms.  So far no one has answered.  I’m waiting for the day when someone’s like, “Well, I have this really weird rash….”

“Need some oxygen!”  The poor child’s world is all medical-related, so she requests oxygen throughout the day (she only needs it a bit while sleeping) and also to be “hooked up” to her TPN (liquid food she is fed via her feeding line).

Here she is with me last weekend.  I obviously gave in to the “hold me” request.

A Way with Words

My niece Stevie has a way with words.  Like remember the time she told her teacher I “kicked her ass?”  Right.  And she has no problem talking to anyone and everyone. I mean literally everyone.  Some of her questions and comments to complete strangers are totally appropriate.  Like:

“Hi, how are you?”

“What’s your name?”

“How are you?”

Other ones?  Not so appropriate.  Like:

“I love you.” This is right after she’s learned their first name.

“Come over here, I’m talking to you.” This is generally yelled.

“Hug me.” Never a good idea.

“Are you pregnant?” This one happened just today in a doctor’s waiting room filled with lots of people.  Talk about awkward.  Of course, the girl was not pregnant.  I seriously just put my head down.

“Are you smoking?  DON’T SMOKE, IT’S BAD FOR YOUR BODY!”  While it’s true that it is bad for your body, I’m pretty sure people don’t appreciate a 6 year old lecturing them.

Stop the Hate

So there’s this blog I follow that is incredibly successful.  The blogger lives here in Salt Lake and has made quite a living from it all. And you know what?  I’m OK with that.  I mean I’m jealous, but I’m OK with it.  Lots of people so aren’t though.  It’s like people are so angry that she has made such a killing from simply writing about her life.  And I’m like, uh what’s wrong with that?  I mean if it works, don’t be mad that you didn’t think of it first.  Don’t be such a hater because you sit in a cubicle for 8 hours a day.  Today she posted a link to all of these hater comments and I was absolutely stunned at how mean people can be!  Who are these people?  I know you have to develop a really thick skin when you’re doing anything that is open to criticism (like blogging), but holy shit!  Hey meanies, settle the fuck down!

There are other things to worry about in life besides how people are spending their time or making a living.  Like how my dog is a fear biter.  You know how much I love my dog by now, I’m sure.  He’s been featured here, here, here, here, here and all over here.  I mean the little guy is seriously the love of my life.  I have such high anxiety about the fact that he wants to nip at people’s legs because he’s a nervous norman though.  That’s what I worry about.  Don’t worry though, we have roped some friends into risking their legs so we can teach him properly.  It’s weird that people actually say yes when Rob and I are like, “Hey do you want to come over for a beer and a bite from our dog?”

Another thing to worry about is the fact that 8 year olds are now texting while riding their bikes.  Yep, that’s what happened in front of my house yesterday.  Some elementary school kid riding his bike, not looking or steering, but texting like a mad man.  Oh, and there was totally a medical incident with some of my tweaker neighbors last weekend.  Since I’m pretty much a detective, I have decided that it was somehow drug-related.  Listen, four cop cars don’t typically show up alongside the ambulance and then hang out talking on the lawn for a really long time if it’s just a regular ol’ medical emergency.  I’m all over it!