Author Archives: soniestephens

Taking the Edge Off

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I am totally not the pill popping type.  I mean I can’t really take anything even if I wanted to.  When I got my wisdom teeth out they prescribed Percocet.  I took half of a pill and within three minutes the room started to spin.  I spent the entire night on the bathroom floor.  The only thing that stopped the heaving was an anti-nausea that Rob got for me by calling the doctor and saying, “I’m pretty sure my wife is going to die.”  If you’ve ever had the opportunity to take an anti-nausea you know that it’s not something you swallow.  Figure that one out.

A year or two later I was having some jaw pain.  My psychotic, anorexic, pill addicted boss offered one of her Vicodin.  Half pill down and, well, you know the story.  I mean I can’t even take Nyquil for hell sakes!  No, there is no vomiting, but I sleep for like days and then when I wake up I feel like I’m in a dream-like state for another day or two.  I would not make a good drug addict.

I’m feeling the stress the last couple of days though and keep thinking it would be nice to have something to take the edge off.  God, I sound like a drug addict though! Relax.  My drug of choice tonight is Bruno Mars.  I know, what am I 16?  No, because I’ll probably also mix in a glass of wine.  The strange thing is that the first line in the song I’m listening to talks about morphine.  What is going on here?

Oh, speaking of Bruno Mars though… You know his song ‘Grenade?’  Well, some of the words are, “What you don’t understand is I’d catch a grenade for ya, throw my hand on the blade for ya.  You know I’d do anything for ya.”  Last week Rob was singing this song for whatever reason, but his version went like this, “I would drink lemonade for you!”  How selfless.  You would drink lemonade for me?  Now that is love.

Proof

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Remember those tweaker neighbors I talked about that used to live next door but now live across the street?  You know, these ones. Well, sometimes I think you guys might think I’m making this shit up.  So, yesterday when one of the robe wearers emerged, I snapped a photo.  No, it’s not a great photo.  I had to take it from across the street, in between our shutters.  It could still be submitted as evidence when I’m on the stand and being asked the question, “Is it true that these neighbors of yours never came out of the house without a robe on?”

The Good, the Bad and the Funny

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I am on a roll today.  I mean I’m getting a lot done.  Or as Rob would say, I’m “settin’ ’em up and knockin’ ’em down.”  I’m traveling to teach a new course the week after next, so I’ve been working to learn the material, and I have to say that I’m very proud of how disciplined I am.  So, to reward myself I thought I’d indulge in some chips.  Bad, bad move.  These particular chips are impossible to stop eating.  I challenge you to try eating just a handful.  There is absolutely positively no way you’d be able to do it.  Here are said chips.  You can buy them at Costco, but I strongly suggest you don’t, because you will eat half the bag in one sitting.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The good thing is that while I was mowing down half a bag of chips, Jack and Kitty were just chillin’ together.  The photo is a little blurry, but you get the idea.  I’m pretty sure he’s just trying to kiss up to her so she’ll let him eat all of her food.   Pretty sure that’s exactly what he did this morning.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

So, chips: bad.  Jack and Kitty: good.  The funny?  Yesterday Stevie had a treatment at Primary Children’s Hospital, so we were there all day.  We had to share a room with another patient (you know, there’s a lovely curtain in between but you can hear every word they’re saying).  The little girl was not behaving so her mom told her, “If you don’t start minding me, Grandma’s going to spank you.”  Apparently Grandma’s spanks are scarier than her own?  Anyway, on our way out of the room for a little walk, Stevie turned to the mom and yelled, “YOU SAID SHE WAS GOING TO GET SPANKED FROM GRANDMA!”  Jess and I were like, “shhh.”  But Stevie was so proud of herself for saying something and quickly responded with, “I remembered!”  She was really happy with herself for remembering what the mom had said so she could remind her of her terrible parenting.  She’s one of a kind.

Predictive Text Fails

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If you use predictive text, you know that it’s not always so predictable.  It tries its best, but sometimes its best isn’t good enough.  Ellen often showcases predictive text fails and they are effing hilarious.  There’s a whole website dedicated to these, and it makes me happy.

Rob’s predictive text is not doing its job at all.  Half the time I can’t even decipher what he’s really trying to say.  Personally I try to proofread my texts before I hit the send button, but Rob obviously doesn’t understand this concept.  Let me give you just a few examples of what he’s texted me in the last couple weeks.

Rob (texting me on a Saturday about playing with Jack): I played ball out back.  I’d their the balks on the roof and he would try and catch then when that can’t down.

Me: Your predictive text made that really hard to understand.

Rob: Oops.  Out basically said Jack and I are having fun.

New text series…

Rob: Hired your day?

Me:  What?

Rob:  Oops.  How’s your day?

Me:  Haha good.  Totally going to write a blog about your predictive text fails.

Rob:  Have you heard from Em?

Me:  No.  How come?

Rob:  Just sovereigns.  Getting a little worried.

Me:  Just sovereigns?  Dude, read back your texts.

One time we were babysitting for my sister overnight.  Stevie, our niece, woke up at 3:00am.  I went downstairs even though the nurse was still there because she was screaming at the top of her lungs, “AUNT SOOOONIE!”  Anyway, I had set an alarm on my phone for 4:55am to head down there when the nurse left but forgot to turn it off.  Rob couldn’t figure out how to turn it off and ended up calling my sister.  He quickly realized what he’d done so he hung up.  She texted my phone to see if everything was OK though.  Rob sent back a text that looked like it was written by a first grader.  Good lord!

Oh, and as I was typing up this blog, here’s what he sent me.

Rob: It’s margo and rita day so let’s mix in a catchall.

Me:  Huh?

Rob:  Margarita

I’m assuming catchall is cocktail?  Get it together man!

Unleashing the Danger

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We bought Jack one of those flexi retractable leashes so that we can practice having him come back to us in a wide open space.  One day, fingers crossed, we’re hoping to be able to take him off his leash completely without him a) running away or b) attacking some stranger.  So last Sunday we decided to try it out.  I took it out of the package and noticed the pamphlet titled ‘special precautions & directions.’  I thought I better peruse it in case there were any important safety tips.  Holy shit, that is one scary leash!  For example, this particular leash can totally cause finger amputations.  One of my favorite lines in the pamphlet is, “If you want to further reduce the risk of finger amputations and fractures, you can take off any rings and wear sturdy gloves.”  IF you want to???  Is there anyone that doesn’t want to avoid finger amputation?  Jesus Christ.  They’re like, if you care at all about your digits, lose the jewelry.  If you don’t really give a shit about your fingers, wear all the bling you want.

Obviously I had Rob hold the leash.  What, I am not losing a finger over this!  Plus in addition to finger loss, you can also suffer “serious eye damage, broken teeth, cuts and bruises.”  That’s right.  The leash or collar might break and the cord and hook can snap back with enough force to cause you to look like someone from the demolition derby.  I did not sign up for this when I adopted a dog.  Don’t be surprised if you see me with woodshop glasses and three pairs of gloves on next time I’m out walking Jack.

Working Through a Funk

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Do you ever go through periods of time in your life when nothing is really wrong and yet you just feel out of sorts?  Rob and I call it a “funk.”  And I’m totally in one right now.  By no means do I have anything to complain about in life.  I just don’t feel totally content.  I’m trying to convince Rob that a tropical getaway would probably solve a lot, but I’m not entirely sure he’s buying it yet.  Rob, are you buying it?!

Part of it is that I’m not blogging enough.  Work is starting to pick up, so I’ll be traveling a lot more, which means I better commit to doing this blog thing now. Otherwise, you can kiss my boring, yet somewhat comical life stories goodbye. We’re not ready to say goodbye though, are we?  Nah.

What I am continuing to do is Bikram, and I think it’s helping me to not sink so low into the funk that showers become a twice weekly thing and I stop wiping down the kitchen counters seven times a day.  Frightening shit right there, people!  No seriously though, Bikram Yoga makes me feel incredible.  Even on mornings like today when there are 70 people in the class (this is A LOT, they actually had to start turning people away), dude next to me is a bit stinky and doing some of the postures means touching your also very sweaty neighbor, I still love it.  This is literally how packed the class looked today.  I love the girl laying down because it is so typical of the way many of us feel during that class.

So, that’s where I’m at.  Could be worse.  I could be hanging out on the porch with the tweaker neighbors all day in my bathrobe smoking a Marlboro Light.  Thank God I’m not in that kind of a funk.

Happy Valentine’s Day!

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This will not be a mushy post.  Valentine’s Day was definitely cooler as a kid.  I mean I am not anti-Valentine’s by any means.  Rob and I exchange cards and make a nice dinner at home, but I just think it’s silly that people feel obligated to do the whole flower/chocolate/jewelry/god awful stuffed animal thing just because Cupid said so. Was it Cupid?  I don’t know.

Anyway, as a kid, you got to make Valentine’s boxes!  Of course mine always sucked, but it was still so fun.  Making cards for your entire class and carefully selecting the conversation hearts so no one got the wrong idea… or someone got the right idea.  A few years back my sisters, stepdaughter and I decided what the hell, we can still make boxes!  So we did.  The only problem was no one put any Valentine’s cards in them.  Minor detail.

Jack clearly doesn’t understand that today is a holiday about love.  If he did, he wouldn’t have rolled in dog poop.  Why must they do this?  I think he has a bit of a poop obsession lately.  I caught him with a piece in his mouth today (he dropped it), and then he came inside later with it all over his neck.  Hello, I am not feeling the love, Jack!  Maybe I can sweet talk Rob into giving him a bath.  You know, “Sweetie, since it’s Valentine’s Day….”

However you celebrate or don’t celebrate today, at least eat some chocolate.  You do have an excuse after all!

Proud Parents

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Jack graduated from obedience school on Monday night.  Yes, they do a little ceremony where the dogs receive certificates (which we plan on framing) and a little toy.  I don’t think he really cares about the certificate, but he’s already started to chew the shit out of the toy.  Here’s a little clip of him graduating.  I know you’re dying to see it.

Did you hear how impressed the trainer was with his focus?  Star student!

Progress

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HUGE steps have been made the last couple of days with Jack and Kitty.  I know, you’ve been dying to know how things are shaping up between the two of them. Well, they are shaping up nicely.  The cat still acts a little scared at times, but for the most part she does a lot of purring when she’s around him.  Jack has been giving all kinds of kisses.  I think maybe he’s trying to clean her up a bit (she tends to leave a lot of litter on herself).  The butthole licking is a bit too much, but I’m just so happy they’re becoming friends.  Now they don’t sit and stare at each other the entire time but can spend time just chilling next to each other.  Look how cute they are!  Oh, and notice his back leg that is a little elevated.  He’s doing his morning yoga, I guess.

Friday Giggles

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First, I may be moving the Daily Observation to this page.  It’s a format thing.

Second, I really needed a laugh today.  Ellen Degeneres is one of my favorite people and hidden camera pranks make me want to wet myself.  Combine the two, and well, you have a happy pee-soaked Sonie.  I found this compilation of some of her best hidden camera pranks.  I hope it brightens your day.