Say What?!

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For the Fourth of July weekend a bunch of us went camping.  My sister and brother-in-law own some property about two hours away and it’s freakin’ awesome.  First, you don’t have to worry about reserving a spot on holiday weekends and second, it’s camping.

Most of the time something dysfunctional happens though.  Last year someone in my family got bumped (literally bumped) with a four wheeler and “lost all feeling in his leg.”  Yes, I’m keeping the name anonymous and yes, this person was a serious hypochondriac.  The year before I told my brother-in-law to stop bossing my sister around (what, I’m protective) and I was not his favorite person for the rest of the trip.  I hope he remembers that I’m a lot better about keeping my mouth shut now and that I love him dearly. 🙂

This year was a lot less dysfunctional but not any less interesting.  Heath, my brother-in-law, invited a co-worker and his family to join us.  His family included his wife and two sons, one of which was maybe a little bit “different.”  He was a perfectly nice kid but just a tad annoying and possibly crazy.  He’s 10, so it’s to be expected.  What’s not to be expected is what happened one night when we were all hanging around the campfire.  We were partaking in usual campfire activities; roasting marshmallows, making smores and telling stories.  Armando, the slightly annoying and possibly crazy 10 year old, was riding my nephew’s motorcycle back and forth next to the fire. On one particular loop back, he lost control of the motorcycle and it crashed into someone’s trailer. It scared him, naturally.  He started apologizing profusely.  I’m talking “I’m sorry” like 15 times.  And then, mixed somewhere within those apologies, he let out an extra special one…. He said, and I quote, “I’m so fucking sorry.”

I was like hmmm there’s no way I just heard this kid drop an F bomb. Rob turned to me and was like, “Did he just say ‘I’m so fucking sorry?'”  Turns out that’s exactly what he said.  And he said it so casually.  He dropped it like it was nothing.  His parents weren’t around, and none of us tried to discipline the foul language.  How could we?  We were in shock.  I’m telling you right now that if you’re 10 years old that is totally how you should drop an F bomb, or any swear bomb for that matter.  It’s so sly that by the time anyone figures out that’s what you’ve actually said, the moment has passed.  So, on that note, Happy Fucking Fourth of July!

Keeping Your Cool

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As you may have seen from a previous post, we spent last weekend in Moab.  And let me tell you, it was fabulous!  We rented a great condo that we shared with my sister, her family and my mom.  Which is totally the way to go if you’re choosing between a hotel room and a vacation home/condo, by the way.  We had a pool, a kitchen where we shared yummy food and a TV to veg out in front of after our long days in the sun.

The vacation really was ideal.  I think someone was on our side, because it really could have had some major road bumps.  My family is dysfunctional in many ways and anything could have happened.  In fact, our first day at the pool was headed down dysfunction junction when my mom made one of her inappropriate comments to a group of girls.  It happened to be overcast when my mom got to the pool and the water was really cold, so she wanted to get in the hot tub.  Naturally.  A group of girls had the same idea though and hopped in first.  It is a public hot tub and therefore anyone has the right to use the hot tub, but for some reason my mom thinks differently about this kind of situation.  So, in her loudest voice she says, “Well, I was going to get in the hot tub but some people had to snarff it.”  Yes, she  used the word snarff.  And yes she said that to girls that were no older than 14.  So not cool.

Don’t worry though, Mom totally redeemed herself the following day when we abandoned her in the 95 degree heat for a solid 5 hours.  Ok, we didn’t actually abandon her.  She did ask to be dropped off on Main Street to do some shopping while the rest of us went river rafting.  We approximated our river trip to be like 3 hours tops though.  Plus, those of us that had cell phones had no reception and the rest of us were retarded and left our phones at the condo (yes, I was one of the latter).  With no way to call, I was sure she would be ridiculously worried and that there would be an extra dose of loud sighs.  Instead she was cool as a cucumber. She simply smiled when we finally met up.  Yeah, smiled.  She was like, “Well, I just figured I’d start walking back to the condo. I was starting to get a little worried about you guys, but I was really just worried I’d be completed fried by the time I made it back. And then I would be peeling for weeks.”  That’s right, the sunburn was her only concern.

Since when did she get so calm?  I would have been worried sick, imagining that the worst had happened.  I probably would have been found curled up in the fetal position on the side of the road rocking back and forth.  Then, my worry and sadness would have turned into anger.  Of course, Rob knows exactly how I am and knows this is how I would have reacted.  Which is why he made a huge point of telling my mom how cool she was for being, well, cool about the whole thing.  He kept saying, “Mom, you’re like the coolest person on the planet right now.”

I will admit it; I totally agree with Rob.  She absolutely passed the cool test.  This coolness definitely added to an awesome trip and probably made her a better person too.  Ok, maybe that’s going a bit too far, but go Mom!

Sisterly Love

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The beautiful person next to me is my older sister.  She is one of the people I admire most in this world.  Despite a very difficult last year, she is an inspiration to everyone around her.  She teaches me everyday that no matter what life throws our way, we can find a way to move forward.  She’s also like insanely funny and smart.  I’m so proud to call her my sister.

To Togetherness!

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Our good friends Chris and Pam were married this weekend in Moab, Utah.  And I’m not talking your traditional walk down the aisle, say “I do” wedding.  Although I have nothing against traditional weddings, this ceremony kicked ass.  It was magical, really.  The setting was beautiful, the words spoken were beautiful and the feeling felt was beautiful.  That’s what I like to call a triple beautiful threat.  Congratulations to this amazing couple!

Karma has been Overruled

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I’m a big believer in karma.  Do good and good things will come back to you.  Do bad and bad things will come back to you.  I’m the person that hands back the extra five dollar bill that the cashier accidentally handed me or tells the restaurant server that they forgot to charge us for one of the entrees.  I do these things mainly because I’m honest and couldn’t live with the guilt but also because I think it will come back to me.

I’m ruling out the possibility of karma when it comes to killing our neighbors’ dogs though. I know this sounds evil, but honest to God, if you had to listen to the incessant barking for five minutes, you would so change your mind.  And it doesn’t just last for five minutes.  These two sorry excuses for animals could bark the entire summer if you let them.

So, what do we do?  The owners have to know that this goes on.  When they’re home, they let them back in the house.  And yet they’ll leave them outside all day while they’re who the hell knows where so that by the end of the day… no, by the end of a three minute span… we’re like wild crazed animals contemplating how to make sure their last breath is soon.

Listen, I love dogs.  We think about getting one often.  But this is NOT ok!  Rob and I could so throw a couple of hot dogs over the fence that may or may not be laced with an unknown poisonous substance.  And, I’m pretty sure karma would be overruled.  This would be a just act, really.  In fact, now that I’m really thinking about it, we might actually be rewarded in some way… for saving everyone their sanity.  Wow, we really are good people, aren’t we?  Neighbors, you’re welcome.

To Health!

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So my place of employment started a health incentive program a few months ago. To incentivize their employees to be healthier, they are offering an increase in our current store discount (my place of employment happens to be a retail business).  They will pay annually to have us tested, should we choose, for cholesterol, body mass index (BMI is a calculation between your height, weight and body fat) and blood pressure.  Depending on your results, you may be eligible for a 2, 5, 7 or 10% discount increase.  Sounds sweet, right?  That’s what I thought until I had the tests done.  Listen, I am really a very healthy person.  I eat a well balanced diet (except for all the sugar), exercise regularly, don’t smoke, etc. etc.  Turns out none of that has done me jack shit.  Well, my BMI was stellar, so maybe not jack shit, but my blood pressure and cholesterol were borderline high!  What the hell?!  I was so annoyed.  And what was more annoying were the people that got like insane numbers and then they were all, “what did you get?”  And I’m like, “Fuck off, at least I don’t look like my cholesterol is through the roof.”

I had no idea what I was even doing wrong.  Too many sweets?  Too much stress?  Yes to both of those.  My plan was to maybe take a chill pill every once in awhile and stop having such a type A personality (you’re welcome Rob) and…. here’s the best part…. are you ready?…. drink a glass of red wine everyday!  Woohoo!  I thought I could so do that last one.  I like forget to drink though. Apparently I need to spend more time around certain people that make me want to drink.

It may sound like I’m joking about all of this, but I was actually really stressed about it.  Which, I’m sure, was not helping my blood pressure at all.  I researched how to get my numbers down and every list I read was like check, check, check, check (that’s me checking off the items on the list).  I was even doing yoga for Christ’s sake!  Ok, you know what, I’m getting worked up again.

Anyway, I did change my diet and now I eat mostly vegan.  Don’t freak out… The stuff I make is actually really tasty!  I haven’t really missed anything.  And, if I do miss it, I have a little.  I haven’t been brave enough to check my cholesterol again but my blood pressure was like amazing at my doctor’s visit a couple of weeks ago!  So, I think I’ll keep it up.  Don’t be surprised if I serve you tofu and nutritional yeast if you’re invited to dinner.

Party Gone Wrong?

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My sweet, loving, hot as hell husband has finally caved and is letting me replace the carpet in the basement.  Woot, woot!  I’ve been working on him for a very, very long time, so this is definitely something to celebrate.  When this update is done, I’m sure Rob will want to have people over (he loves to have people over).  And that is totally fine with me as long as it doesn’t get out of hand.  Let me give you an example…

About every other year Rob and I throw a wine tasting/winter solstice party.  We don’t know a lot about wine, but we know we like to drink it, as do many of our friends, so it works well.  Anyway, Rob and I have the same debate each time we throw one of these shin digs.  Personally, I prefer a more intimate gathering with close family and friends.  Rob likes the rager.  He won’t call it a rager, but it’s a rager.  Ass load of people plus ass load of alcohol = rager.  So, we try to compromise, but somehow there end up being a lot of people jammed into our home.  Right now you might be asking, so what’s the problem? The problem is that while cleaning up the last party, I found HUMAN POOP on the floor of the basement bathroom.  I am not kidding people.  I noticed something small and brown on the floor next to the toilet and thought, maybe I should get a tissue to pick up this unknown object. God, I’m smart.  If I had touched that nugget with my bare hands, I would absolutely have had some DNA testing done.  Which means the culprit would not only be banned from our home but also publicly scorned (I’d figure out a way).  You don’t drop a god damn piece of crap on someone’s bathroom floor (well, not someone you like anyway) and not clean it up!  Needless to say, we never did solve the mystery.  We asked a few folks, but what’s the point?  No one is going to admit that oh yeah, I forgot to sit on the toilet when taking a dump that night. I have my suspicions though.

I rest my case.  I’m still putting in the carpet though.  Oh, and I will also remind Rob about the poop incident when he wants to invite half the state of Utah.

Hey Utah,Did you get the Summer Memo?

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Utah has had a very odd start to the summer.  What I mean is it’s 45 fucking degrees and raining on June 12th!  Sorry, I’m pissed.  It is seriously like Seattle here.  If it is another June like last year and rains for the rest of the month, I am so moving.  June in Utah is supposed to be hot, sunny and filled with the smell of suntan lotion.  But nooooo last night I wore my winter parka.

And no, I don’t want to look on the bright side (especially since it’s extremely overcast at the moment) and be like, “Oh, I love the smell of rain.  It’s so refreshing out and everything is so green.”  And I’m certainly not going to “mentally” pretend like it’s warm like my brother in law once told me to do on a backpacking trip in which I nearly died of hypothermia.  Ok, I’m exaggerating a little, but it was cold as shit and Dave was like, “Just imagine that you’re warm.”  Uhhh no.  Love you Dave, but that was a really dumb idea.

So anyway, I need to get back to looking out the window and cursing mother nature.  At least I don’t have to do yard work.

Side Effects May Include…

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While working out today, a commercial for Cymbalta came on.  Cymbalata is a medication for depression with a tag line of “depression hurts, Cymbalta can help.”  Right after that line, there is like 7 minutes of something that goes like this… “Side effects may include dizziness, nausea, diarrhea, yellowing of the skin and eyes (oh my god, isn’t that like a sign of liver damage), thoughts of suicide in teens and young adults, dry mouth, heart failure and death.”  And of course like 70 other ones I can’t remember.  After listening to this amazing amount of scary things that one could experience should they choose to take this medication (or I should say have this medication prescribed to them) I’m like, “Holy fuck, I’m depressed.”  Maybe they did that on purpose?

Torn

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Let me start this by saying that I am very grateful for my life and all that I’ve been given.  Having said that, lately I’ve been thinking a lot about my life and whether it’s the life I want to live.  I know that I will always want to surround myself with family and those people that I cherish with all my heart…. But… what about all the STUFF that I have acquired and surround myself with?  Should I just feel happy that I have access to nice things, a beautiful home, little stress about money?  Or should I be taking a step back and asking myself, “Is having all these things really worth it?”  Rob and I were talking the other night about how our lives continue to get more stressful as we get older.  And doesn’t that seem backwards?  When we first met, we lived in a much smaller home with a low maintenance yard.  Now, we live in a larger home with a jungle of a yard, and although we love how beautiful and cozy our home and yard are, we spend SO much time maintaining them.

So, I’m torn.  On one hand, I really want to simplify my life.  I know that if I shifted gears a little I could live with a lot less.  On the other hand, I really want to expand and remodel my kitchen.  Do you see the dilemma?  It’s like it’s wonderful to have nice things, but with those nice things comes more responsibility and obligation.  You can’t just decide to take the summer off.  There are bills to pay!

The bottom line is I do have some reevaluating to do.  Life is too short to be stressed all the time.  Life is to be enjoyed… to the fullest… each and everyday.  Of course no matter what life I live, I know there will be ups and downs, but days are turning into months and months into years.  Time is moving quickly and I’m not slowing down enough to take it all in.  I don’t want to look back on my life one day and ask, “Where did it go?  What did I do?”  I want to look back and say, “I made a difference.  I was happy with my life and the choices I made.”  Is this possible?