Author Archives: soniestephens

The Daily – Poop Talk

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Jack has this thing where he really likes pooping in bushes or on large rocks.  He gets his butt so high up and right against the bush that the poop ends up all over his butt hair.  And remember, he’s white.  Oh, and he doesn’t like me trying to get it off with a wet wipe, so if we don’t immediately bathe him, he ends up with pieces of poop stuck to his butt.  Here’s a visual of when it’s still wet.  I’m pretty sure that we’re going to have to take scissors to it now that it’s dry. Di-freaking-stugsting.

The Daily Observation

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I’m  back with the “daily observation.”  Only this time I’m not going to put it under the “daily observation” tab.  Confusing, I know, but for some reason the formatting there is jacked.  Plus, it doesn’t tell people when I post something new there, which could be devastating to my loyal followers.  I do have loyal followers, right?

Today’s observation is about music.  I love music.  Is there anyone that doesn’t? Maybe, but these people are missing out.  I heard part of the new Jason Mraz song the other day on the radio and was like, wow, I really like this.  So, I bought it on iTunes and now I’m obsessed.  It is so beautiful though!  Here is the youtube music video so you can decide for yourself.  I’m warning you though, tears are a strong possibility.

Stop the Hate

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So there’s this blog I follow that is incredibly successful.  The blogger lives here in Salt Lake and has made quite a living from it all. And you know what?  I’m OK with that.  I mean I’m jealous, but I’m OK with it.  Lots of people so aren’t though.  It’s like people are so angry that she has made such a killing from simply writing about her life.  And I’m like, uh what’s wrong with that?  I mean if it works, don’t be mad that you didn’t think of it first.  Don’t be such a hater because you sit in a cubicle for 8 hours a day.  Today she posted a link to all of these hater comments and I was absolutely stunned at how mean people can be!  Who are these people?  I know you have to develop a really thick skin when you’re doing anything that is open to criticism (like blogging), but holy shit!  Hey meanies, settle the fuck down!

There are other things to worry about in life besides how people are spending their time or making a living.  Like how my dog is a fear biter.  You know how much I love my dog by now, I’m sure.  He’s been featured here, here, here, here, here and all over here.  I mean the little guy is seriously the love of my life.  I have such high anxiety about the fact that he wants to nip at people’s legs because he’s a nervous norman though.  That’s what I worry about.  Don’t worry though, we have roped some friends into risking their legs so we can teach him properly.  It’s weird that people actually say yes when Rob and I are like, “Hey do you want to come over for a beer and a bite from our dog?”

Another thing to worry about is the fact that 8 year olds are now texting while riding their bikes.  Yep, that’s what happened in front of my house yesterday.  Some elementary school kid riding his bike, not looking or steering, but texting like a mad man.  Oh, and there was totally a medical incident with some of my tweaker neighbors last weekend.  Since I’m pretty much a detective, I have decided that it was somehow drug-related.  Listen, four cop cars don’t typically show up alongside the ambulance and then hang out talking on the lawn for a really long time if it’s just a regular ol’ medical emergency.  I’m all over it!

It’s an Inside Day

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I’m sorry that I’ve been so absent, but the weather has been freaking awesome, so I’ve been trying to spend as much time outside as I possibly can.  Today the weather sucks, so here I am.  Yes, “April showers bring May flowers.”  Whatever.  What does April snow bring?  Depression.  If I didn’t have a dog to walk, I would stay inside all day.  It’s one of those blustery, wet days that make you want to curl up on the couch and watch a movie.  Of course I would be watching Bridesmaids.  Why? Because this movie is fucking hysterical!  I can quote nearly the entire movie and yet I still want to watch it like every single day.  I mean how awesome is it that one of the Bridesmaids (Melissa McCarthy – the most hilarious one) suggests “fight club” for the bachelorette party?  And when everyone looks at her like she’s crazy she goes on to explain, “Yeah female fight club. We grease up.  Lillian doesn’t know, so we pull up and yell ‘Surprise, we’re gonna fight’ and we beat the shit out of her.” Please do yourselves a favor and watch this movie whether you’ve already seen it or not.  It will make you happy.

I could also just spend ridiculous, unjustifiable amounts of time on Pinterest.  Then I could pin recipes that have the words “three cheese” and “healthy” in the same sentence on my ‘Food, Glorious Food’ board.  I’m still trying to figure out how something with three types of cheese in it can be healthy.  I should probably stop looking at the recipes altogether because they just make me want to stuff my face with gooey, chocolatey things.

Speaking of not giving in to eating crap… my grandma told me she wanted to lose weight (she is so little though, so this is a silly statement), but then she said, “It’s not like I have anyone to lose weight for though.  Will’s (my grandpa) been out of commission for years.”  Yep, that’s exactly what my grandma said to me.  She never holds back, and I love her for it!  Of course I’m also scarred by it.

Oh, and since I’m on a roll of changing from subject to subject, I have something very funny to share.  My niece, Stevie, whom I’ve mentioned on a number of occasions has started spreading rumors about me.  The other weekend my sister and her husband went away for their anniversary, so Grandma and I were on duty.  At school on Monday her teacher asked her how her weekend with Grandma and Aunt Sonie was and Stevie responded with, “Aunt Sonie kicked my ass.”  I actually didn’t (that weekend), but I’m sure I wanted to on a number of occasions.  Listen, she is very cute but very rotten.  You may have figured that out by the language she used. Isn’t she awesome?

Worn Out

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After some intense “wrestling,” the boys conked out on the bed.  For some reason Jack was full of it and went absolutely crazy after we gave him a bath.  He does not like getting a “tubber” as I like to call it.  A treat doesn’t even lure him into the bathroom.  And once we get him in the tub he stands there frozen the entire time, scared to death.  As soon as he’s able to taste freedom again he starts running up and down the hall like a complete lunatic until I insist that Rob do some serious playing with him.  So, naturally, he wore himself right out. What he clearly doesn’t understand is that if he would stop rolling his head in poop, we wouldn’t need to subject him to said baths.  Hellooooo.

High Maintenance Living

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For the past 7 years Rob and I have been talking (complaining) about how much work it is to maintain our house.  Granted, I’m a bit of a perfectionist, but still.  It is flat out overwhelming most of the time.  Neither our house nor our yard are ginormous, but they both demand an insane amount of time.  First of all, the people that owned the home prior to us were master gardeners so they thought it would be cool to landscape the shit out of the yard.  Second, they planted ivy EVERYWHERE! At first I was like, “I love ivy.  Ivy is so charming.”  And then we asked these gardening people about it and they all had this look of panic on their face when one of them said, “Ivy is very difficult to manage.  It can take the shingles right off of your roof!”  Good Lord.  They weren’t lying.  Rob has to cut crazy amounts of ivy during the spring and summer.  Ivy that has made its way under our shutters and even into our basement windows.  How lucky are we?!

We’re also lucky enough to have multiple fruit trees, which yes, give us lots of privacy and shade.  They also give us lots of rotten fruit that falls the ENTIRE year. I’m not kidding.  I’m still picking up apples.  Oh, and let’s not forget about the ground cover that plants its seeds all over the yard.  Ground cover now grows wherever the hell it feels like growing.

I should be thankful for having such a wonderful home, it’s true.  Sometimes we actually get it to look like this and I’m even more thankful.

No Big Whoop

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Last night I had a little pedicure party with the gals I get together with every month. It was time to get my toes worked on and enjoy some food and wine with the ladies. Anyway, my sister was asking for restaurant suggestions in Park City; restaurants where you can get a good steak.  And it reminded me of the good steak I had in Paris last week so I said, “I had the best steak in Paris last week.”  Of course everyone gave me total shit for acting like I’m such a big deal, but I was honestly just remembering the phenomenal steak.  I am kind of a big deal though.  Look what I saw up close and personal!  Hello!

Jet Lagged – Part 2

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I got home from Washington DC late Friday afternoon and had two days to prep for a class I’ve never taught (to senior leaders none the less!) and pack for Paris.  Oh yeah, there were also two birthday parties that weekend, so I really had one day. Holy stress Batman!  I somehow managed to pull it all off, however, and arrived in Paris as scheduled.  The flight there was direct, which is saweeet.  Flying direct is soooo much better than switching planes and dealing with all that passport check bullshit.  I hoped to sleep, but flying for 10 hours in coach is not very conducive to sleeping.  God damn American Express for spoiling me with business class international flights all the time.  How am I supposed to go back to peasant seating?!

I grabbed a taxi at the airport (a Mercedes taxi!) and headed for the hotel.  My hotel was right across from the Arc de Triomphe, which is such an incredible sight and definitely put me in a Paris sightseeing mood.  After checking into the hotel, they handed me my room key which, I swear to God, weighed 10 pounds.  I don’t even think I’m exaggerating.  The key was attached to this massive gold statue-thingy that looked fancy but was absolutely ridiculous.  Hello, haven’t y’all heard of magnetic card keys?  I was like I can barely hold my own head up after no sleep and a massive time difference and now you want me to carry this key?

After letting myself into my room with my ENORMOUS key and unpacking a bit, I decided I should take advantage of the one day I had to see some of Paris.  Plus, I needed something to keep me awake.  So, I did the most touristy thing you can do… The double decker bus tour!  Don’t knock it until you try it though.  It is a GREAT way to see a city.  Plus, you don’t have to move a muscle unless you want to.  You plug in your headphones and the lady tells you everything you’re seeing.  Plus, the Louvre is closed on Tuesdays (yes, I’ve been to Paris twice and the Louvre has been closed both times), so that wasn’t an option.

Here’s a view of the Arc de Triomphe from the top of the bus:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

After the bus tour, I went back to my room to do more prepping for my class.  At 6:00pm I was hungry so I went downstairs to ask the concierge if there was any place nearby to grab a quick bite.  I have no idea what I was thinking.  This is not how they do things in Europe!  For one, no one eats dinner at 6:00pm in Paris.  8:30pm is the norm.  Two, they don’t have a lot of grab n’ go eating establishments.  The guy told me they could fix me something simple from room service, so I had some bland soup, salad and bread.

I usually adjust well to the time when traveling internationally, but I think the stress I was feeling didn’t allow this to happen, so I logged just a few hours of sleep that night.  It’s a miracle that I was able to form a sentence let alone train a 5 hour course to a bunch of big wigs.  I am the girl who gets 8 hours of sleep every night.  I need it!  The class went really well though, and I was ready to treat myself to a fancy dinner out.  Once again though, I was on an American eating schedule so I arrived at 7:15pm to a restaurant with not one person in it!  The guy working was so friendly though and I enjoyed a delicious glass of red wine, yummy bread, soup and a steak.

I had a couple of hours in the morning to roam around before heading for the airport, so I walked down the Champs Elysees, a very famous street in Paris.  Of course none of the shops were open, but I still felt cool.  Then it was off to the airport where I learned that the French don’t understand the concept of boarding a plane in zones.  Instead they line everyone up like cattle.  Once I got on the plane, there were several assholes in front of me who decided it was alright to take as much time as they needed settling in.  No, no it’s fine.  I mean it’s not like there are TONS OF PEOPLE WAITING TO GET ON BEHIND YOU!

Other than the tweaker behind me, the flight was fine.  Yes, I’m pretty sure he was a tweaker.  I’ve become an expert thanks to my neighbors.  Plus, he was listening to a Disc man! Remember those?  I seriously didn’t think I’d see one again.  So cool! Not cool was the fact that he couldn’t control his tweaker twitches and kicked my seat repeatedly until I turned around very obviously to give him a death stare.

I had a connecting flight in Detroit and only had an hour and a half to catch my plane.  Not long enough!  After standing in a horrendous passport check line, you’re then directed to stand in another line after picking up your luggage (I didn’t even have luggage to pick up since I carried everything on!) to be checked yet again.  For some reason the dude thought it would be beneficial to send me to a third check with a bunch of foreigners who didn’t speak a lick of English.  Seriously, I tried to ask the guy in front of me if I could go ahead of him and he just kept saying, “No English.”  Then, the guy who was up with the security guys was answering a slew of questions about his time in Lebanon before being hauled off to some private room!  I was in a full-on panic because my plane was leaving in 30 minutes and I still  had to go through security.  I felt like screaming, “I’m an American for hell sakes!  Why am I in this line?”  The guy took pity on me when I got up there and said, “Just go, I don’t want you to miss your flight.”  So, after waiting in the security line and running for the tram, I got to the gate 10 minutes before the plane was scheduled to leave.  Only, it wasn’t leaving. Because… there was a lightning storm!

I really didn’t think my life could get any worse at this point.  Three hours later, I was in the air.  That is after multiple times of taxing and then the pilot coming on the speaker and saying, “Sorry, it looks like another storm needs to pass before it’s safe for us to take off.”  This, of course, marked my 24 hour point for waking hours.

Lucky for me I have a wonderful stepdaughter who didn’t care how late it was and was fine picking me up at the airport.  Let’s just say I was happy to be home.

Jet Lagged – Part 1

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After having been from Salt Lake to DC, DC to Salt Lake, Salt Lake to Paris, Paris to Detroit and Detroit to Salt Lake, I have no fucking clue what day or time it is.  Ok, that’s not true.  Salt Lake and DC only have a two hour time difference, but then you add in Daylight Savings and my clock starts to get out of whack.  Add lots of stress and then a quick trip to Paris (seven hour time difference) and it gets ugly. Here’s a sort of play-by-play of the first leg.

Washington DC –

Tuesday, March 7th 9:30am: Fly direct to DC.  Smooth plane ride with the exception of the rotten smelling man sitting directly behind me.  I mean rotten!  It was a mixture of stale cigarettes and pee.

After finding something to smash my nose into I decided I would try to take a little nap (thanks to my husband for the great neck pillow!).  Nap did not happen because rotten dude was obviously having some sort of nicotine fit and kicked my chair repeatedly as he did God knows what.  Wait a second… Why do I always sit by the smelly people?

I was lucky enough to have the seat next to me empty.  I was sitting by the window, however, and the girl on the aisle seat had me climb over her both times I had to get out to pee.  It was very awkward.

4:00pm arrival into Washington DC: Grab a taxi with one of my cohorts and head to the Gaylord National Convention Center/Hotel.  Yes, it’s really called the Gaylord.

4:30pm: Check into hotel.  Make video of self to send to Rob so he can show Jack. You know, “Hi Jack!  Mom misses you!  I love you!”   What?  I don’t want him to forget me.  By the way, Rob said he totally watched it and loved it.  I knew he would.

6:00pm: Meet up with fellow facilitators and CEO to do a “dry run” of the training course.

7:30pm: Meet in one of the many hotel restaurants for dinner.  The Gaylord is seriously its own city!

8:30pm: Head back to room for another practice of the training material by myself, a shower, some reading and an attempt at a full night’s sleep.

Ok, this whole hour-by-hour thing is getting lame.  Let’s do this….

Wednesday, March 8th:

Breakfast, set-up training rooms, watch CEO give keynote, lunch, train 3 hour training session, meet up for debrief and birthday celebration for cohort, retire to rooms to change and recoup, meet up for drinks and stay up way too late talking.

Thursday, March 9th:

Wake up at the butt crack of dawn to catch a taxi to the airport.  Fly home on a miniature plane, which ends up having a broken seat.  Delta sends maintenance dude in to fix the broken seat, delaying us.  When we arrive at JFK (connecting flight), we have to walk down precarious steps rather than a jetway and then through a series of tunnels before arriving in the airport.  The whole time I’m wondering why in the hell my flight cost $700?!

Made connecting flight which took me safely home where I was greeted by the world’s cutest dog.

This trip home was very short lived.  Stay tuned for Part 2 where I am awake for 24 straight hours, am nearly detained at passport check and have to endure a major tweaker seated right behind me for an 8.5 hour flight.

Au Paris

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Things just got really crazy in my life.  At least for the next couple of weeks.  I knew that there would be a lot of travel coming up with work, which is a good thing, but I totally didn’t expect to be flying to Paris in a week and a half (two days after I get home from DC).  Don’t be jealous.  I will be by myself, so I doubt I’ll dare do too much venturing out.  Plus, I won’t have a lot of time.  I have been to Paris once before, but it was a quick stop on a backpacking trip.  It went something like this:

Five girls in their early 20’s arrive by train.

We are immediately lost and no one wants to help us.  In fact, I’m pretty sure they actually pretended not to know English.

We finally arrive at our hostel, which is not so fittingly named ‘The Love and Peace Hostel.’  The entire time we were there we felt no love and definitely no peace.  In fact, drunk people crawled in and out of the window all night over our beds.

The evening we decided to venture out to the Eiffel Tower, we got lost on the way home.  We ended up in a stereotypical dark alley and are thankful to be alive today.

The Louvre was closed.

While traveling on the Metro, my best friend used what little French she knew to make friends with two random dudes.  One of the girls we were backpacking with had fallen off another train (another blog) and twisted her ankle, so one of the guys offered to give us a cane he had at his apartment.  Being really intelligent and worldly, we followed him.  Britt (my best friend), who was the most intelligent of all of us followed him up the stairs to his nasty, scary apartment where he proceeded to give her a big french kiss.  No pun intended.

That’s pretty much what I remember from Paris.  Oh, and I think the crepes were really good.  Well, bon voyage!  Oh wait, that’s what you would say to me, right?  I am not prepared for this.