Category Archives: humor

For the Health of It

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I’m not a huge fan of going to the doctor’s.  The dentist, yes.  (I love going to the dentist because it is impossible to get your teeth feeling that clean on your own)!  I really never head to the doc’s office except for my annual visit with my OBGYN.  Do I look forward to placing my feet on the stirrups and having someone I see once a year crank some cold metal device up my you-know-what?  No.  I know that it’s important though, so I do it.  I also oblige when the nurse asks if I’ll pee in a cup for her.  I’ve been peeing in a cup for years (at the doctor’s office!), and yet I still suck at it.  I’m sure the nurse is thinking, what in the hell is she doing in there?  What I’m doing is cleaning the pee off the outside of the cup and my hand!  Thank God I no longer need to come strutting out of the bathroom with a cup of warm pee in my hand.  Remember that?  Inevitably someone is right outside the bathroom and you no longer have any dignity.  Now, I get to leave my pee cup in the restroom.

In addition to my annual check-up, I try to exercise at least a few times a week. Today I hopped on my spin bike and cranked up a workout mix I have on my iPod. You would not believe how motivated I feel when Eminem belts out, “If she ever tries to fuckin’ leave again, I’m a tie her to this bed and set this house on fire!”  So violent, I know!  I’m telling you though, I am pumped when I listen to this song and I start pedaling like a son of a bitch.

Now, what do you all think about marijuana?  Healthy?  Relax, I’m not smoking it.  I inhaled enough second hand pot to keep me high for years.  I came across this scratch-n-sniff marijuana poster on Amazon today though.  Is this not hilarious? And hey, I’m pretty sure it’s not bad for your health.

If you like the smell of pot, you are in luck!

Reflection

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I’m in kind of a reflective mood lately.  Maybe it’s the time of year, maybe it’s the doings of my therapist (yes, I have one) or maybe I’m just getting old.  Whatever the reason, I’m happy about it.  In fact, I want to actively spend more time reflecting.  It doesn’t always need to be about something big.  Small things matter too, people. So, I’ve been reflecting on the last couple of weeks and I’ve come up with my “learning list.”

Bowel movements make everyone feel better –

In this case I’m referring to my dog’s bowel movements, but I do think (and know thanks to Dr. Oz) that they are important for everyone.  Jack managed to get one of his toenails ripped off last Sunday, which has turned him into a total gimp.  Before we took him to the vet to get him hooked up with some pain meds, the poor little dude didn’t want to do much of anything.  Which meant no walks.  Walks are when Jack poops, so no walks meant no pooping.  We tried and tried to get him to just go in the backyard but he would just stare at us and eventually sit down in the snow. On Tuesday he basically pulled Rob out the door to walk, and thank God, because he took a massive dump.  A dump which we celebrated.

Spending time with someone you love is therapeutic – 

My sister, Jessica, has the most challenging life of anyone I know.  Having a sick child with difficult behavior issues (this is an understatement) requiring 24-hour supervision would send most people to the nuthouse immediately.  Not Jess.  Nope. She’s a warrior.  And despite her crazy life, she manages to listen to my problems, support me and make me smile.

Playing and laughing with my nephew brings incredible joy –

Dylan, my 9-year-old nephew, and I don’t get to spend a lot of time together.  When I’m at their house, I’m usually watching his sister (the one requiring 24-hour supervision).  That and he doesn’t like me telling him what to do, so we clash a lot of the time.  Last week my sister had an appointment and Stevie was asleep, so Dylan and I actually got to play.  And it was so fun!  I always have stories to tell after I hang with Dyl.  This time he told me about a deaf kid in his gymnastics class, so I was like, “Oh, that’s cool.  Maybe you can learn some sign language.”  Dylan responded by telling me that he already does sign language to the kid and then proceeded to flash me some gang sign to prove it.  Pure awesome right there.

So there you have it.  Don’t worry, these sappy posts won’t continue.  I’ve got plenty of negative, sarcastic script just waiting to be written.

Getting Political

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I can honestly say that I liked presidential election years a lot better before Facebook was around.  As if the negative ads and endless analyzing on TV weren’t enough, now you have to read a bunch of political posts from people that, I’m sorry to say, sound like complete fucking lunatics.  No, I don’t think they’re crazy because they disagree with my political views.  I think they’re crazy because they share things that the Tea Party posted.  Come on Republican friends, you have to admit that the Tea Party is bat shit CRAZY!

Oh, and the negativity.  God, the negativity!  It’s one thing to say you disagree with a candidate’s politics.  It’s another to say you think they’re a terrorist who is out to ruin the country.  Do people really believe this bullshit?  If the answer is yes, I am afraid.  Granted, I live in one of the reddest states in the country.  This means that many of my Facebook friends fall into the red category.  Again, fine.  Not fine? Posting things like, “Well, goodbye America.  Hello wannabe USSR.”  Yep, someone said that.

I am a huge Jon Stewart fan (I seriously wish he could be my best friend), and his post-election night show was on the money.  Oh Karl Rove, I’m so embarrassed for you.  I know it’s hard to admit that your guy lost, but this is just plain sad.  If you have time and want a good laugh, watch the clip below.

Jon Stewart

Out of the Mouths of Babes

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I seriously love some of the things that come out of the mouths of my niece and nephew.  Yes, there are times when the words that come out of Stevie’s (my niece) mouth make me want to do other things besides laugh, but she’s pretty damn funny a lot of the time.  Last weekend I babysat for a few hours and Stevie loves to pretend like she’s going out on a date and I am the babysitter.  So, she hands me her doll and says, “I’m going on a date with my husband.”  When I asked her who said husband was, I thought for sure it would be Justin Bieber.  Instead Stevie’s response was, “Kevin Bacon.”  Not bad.  I mean yes, he’s a little old for her, but he’s a pretty big stud if you ask me.

Babysitting her doll while she goes out is something I can get behind.  What I can’t really seem to get into is her wanting me to pretend like I’m pregnant and then go into labor.  Listen, the kid has seen a lot of “medical” shows on TV.  She’s fascinated by them because of all of her health problems, I suppose.  Anyway, she may or may not have seen a few episodes of TLC’s A Baby Story.  You know, the one where they show the woman giving birth.  Yeah, that one.  This is how it went down the other night:

Stevie:  “Aunt Sonie, pretend like you’re pregnant.”

Me:  “OK.”

Stevie:  “Call me on the phone because you’re excited you’re pregnant.”

Me:  “Ring ring.  Hi, Stevie?  Guess what?!  I’m pregnant!”

Stevie:  “Ok, now push.”

Me:  “Oh, I’m in labor now?”

Stevie:  “Yes.  Ok, you are dilated to 6.”

Me:  “Oh God, you know about dilation?”  She’s 7.

Stevie:  “Push Aunt Sonie.”

Me:  “Ok, this is a little weird actually.  How about we pretend like I adopt a baby.”

Stevie:  “OK.”

Me:  “Do you know what adoption is?  Some people can’t have babies and other people can but aren’t able to take care of them.  So, you can adopt someone else’s baby.  It’s a long process and you pay money.”  Listen, it was the best explanation I could come up with.

Stevie:  “Ok, here’s your baby.  $6 please.”

What a steal, right?!

My nephew, Dylan, can also be quite comical.  We were trick-or-treating with the kids last week and there was some dude hanging out in his driveway.  Apparently he does that every year.  It’s a little creepy if you ask me, just sitting there, but whatever.  Anyway, Dylan was walking with my brother when he saw him, pointed and said, “Hey look, a redneck!”  When Spencer told him to keep it down he was like, “What, he looks like one.”

I’m not entirely sure where Dylan has heard about rednecks but I quickly informed him that his dad is also a redneck.  There are levels of rednecks and his dad happens to be at the classiest level, but as my brother put it, “He really enjoys redneck culture.” Is he anywhere near the redneck level of the family on Honey Boo Boo? God no, but he does like to take in the occasional demolition derby or monster truck crawl.  That and his trucks are jacked up, and once in awhile he sports a mullet.

My family is awesome.

Putting the Fun in Dysfunction

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My family is extremely dysfunctional.  I’m talking drugs, depression and a bunch of other stuff I’m hoping one day I can write about without people yelling at me.  Our dysfunction is nothing we’re too ashamed to openly talk about though.  My siblings and I  can be found at family gatherings talking about things that occurred in our childhood that others have only heard about on news stories and Lifetime movies. At the end of the day though, we all love each other.  And we’ve worked through the trials.  Not that they’re over or anything.  Oh no, they are not over.

I love getting together with these people because we make each other laugh.  And even when my brother-in-law is making mixed drinks for my Mormon grandpa and my mom is sighing loudly for the millionth time, we’re all still (usually) smiling.  No, it’s not because we’re all drunk.  Usually only a couple of people are drunk.  The rest of us are just happy to be there; sharing stories, laughing and spending time together.

Here we all (minus my little sister) are last night at our annual pumpkin carving event.  Is everyone looking at the camera?  No.  Is someone (Mom!) hiding?  Yes. Does my nephew Dylan have a pumpkin on his head?  Of course he does!

Reward if Found

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Over the summer Rob and I noticed a sign posted to a street pole in an adjacent neighborhood about a missing bird.  The reaction we both had was nothing like the reaction we have when we see a sign for a missing dog.  A missing dog is sad.  A missing bird is… weird.  So many questions come to mind when I try to figure out the logistics of finding and returning a missing bird.  First, there are so many birds flying around.  Flying, I believe, is the key word here.  If the bird had their wings clipped, I’m pretty sure it wouldn’t be missing.  So I’m assuming it can fly.  Which means you’re not going to get a good look most of the time.  So you might be thinking, hey, that bird kind of looked like the bird from the poster.  But what if it was the bird from the poster?  Are you supposed to try to capture it?  Do you know how mean birds are?  I swear to God, I would rather be in a cage with a tiger than some batt shit crazy bird.  Those bastards are not nice and will not think twice about pecking your eyes out.

Anyway, the point is you can’t really capture it, right?  So should you call the number on the poster and be like, “Hi, I think maybe I saw your bird in my backyard.  Yeah, but then it flew away.”  These are legitimate questions, people.

The really bizarre thing is that I saw another poster just yesterday for a missing parrot.  What is going on?  Why is everyone’s bird trying to get the hell out of dodge?  Oh, that’s right, because they’re tired of being kept in a cage!  There’s a good chance word has gotten out to these birds that there are worms all over outside!  Worms!  Oh, and people have fruit trees you can hang out on all day long while you taunt their cats.  Let me see… cage or freedom and worms?

Give it a rest, Cosmo!

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I’ve never been a Cosmopolitan magazine reader.  Call me conservative, but I just don’t want to spend much time reading about ‘his favorite positions’ or ‘the one thing your guy loves that he won’t tell you.’  Listen, if you are in a committed, healthy relationship, you’ll figure this out together.  I mean yes, it was all very fun to read about when I was 16, but come on!  How can you possibly still have new sex tips and tricks to share?  Oh, that’s right; you don’t!

Plus, some of the advice in there is so complicated that you’d have to have the magazine open during it all so you could make sure you’re doing it correctly.  I imagine it sounding something like this:

“Ok, it says to lift your left leg.”

“Like this?”

“Maybe a little higher.”

“Ouch.  Maybe that’s too high?”

“No, leave it like that.  Ok, now kind of twist it to the right a little.”

“Is this supposed to feel good?”

“Yes.  I mean eventually, I guess.”

“Well I don’t think I can hold it here much longer.  I’m getting a really bad cramp.”

Does any of that sound romantic or sexy?  Not so much.  Listen, I’ve been to those sex toy parties, and they are a hoot.  But they’re a hoot because most of it so damn funny!  I attended one a year or two ago that featured a sex swing chair.  We put one of the guests in it and laughed our asses off.  She looked so uncomfortable and… well, exposed.  Plus, getting into it was REALLY difficult.  If I had permission, I would post the photo here.  Stay tuned.  Maybe it will happen.  She’s not naked! But again, it’s awkward.

I think this tweet sums it up (thanks Damien Fahey):

“Look, Just Do Something to His Butt.” – Cosmopolitan magazine finally runs out of cover ideas

Marriage

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Rob and I have been married just over 8 years, together for a little over 10.  That’s a long time, right?  Right.  And if I’m being honest, I would say that it’s been a good run.  Wait, that sounded like an end.  Not what I meant.  We’re still running and it’s still good. Marriage is a lot of work though y’all.  And I think like most marriages, ours goes through phases.  Phases where we really dig each other and phases where we annoy the shit out of each other.  Because we really like each other (and love too, but like is really important), I decided we should try to pin down what it is that really annoys the other person and do our best to stop the behavior.

So, I made a list.  I’m a list maker.  I make lists everyday.  The thing about this list is that we won’t be crossing things off, which is what I really enjoy about list making.  Instead, the list is to serve as a reminder of the things we’re working on. We each have our own list since we have different things that make the other person want to throw sharp objects, but we also have things that overlap.

Rob’s list includes things like volume control, annoying noises and being glued to his iPad or computer. Minor, right?  Sure, but when you’re laying in bed winding down for the night, and your spouse decides to say something at a ridiculous volume, it’s not cool.  It really bugs me, actually.  There are even certain names or words I’ll avoid saying because for some reason when he hears these words he wants to scream them.  For example, a guy that works for our brother-in-law is named Armando.  Great name to yell apparently.  So I’m like, “Armando asked how you were today.”  And then Rob is like, “ARRRRRMAAAANDO!”  Ugh.  The ironic thing is that when he’s ready to go to sleep he will freak out at the slightest noise.  It’s not uncommon for him to yell, “Babe, you have a whistly booger.”  The cool thing now is that when he starts making his weird, obnoxious noises, I can say, “Uhhh… the list.” So far it’s working.

My list is more about giving Rob the “green light.”  In other words, he wants me to be 100% on board with him going out with his friends, doing really long bike rides, etc.  It’s not that I don’t want him to, I just want a little more notice.  At the same time, I know he likes that spontaneity, so I’m working on being OK with it.  That and not calling him things like “Doo Da” (a nickname he’s not fond of) or ass wipe.  I know, I know, it sounds terrible, but I swear like a sailor, so it’s not really that bad. Ok, it’s kind of bad.  Again, I’m working on it!

On our joint list are things like finding more things to do together as a couple.  What do people do anyway?  I mean I like what we do for our date nights (dinner at one of our favorite restaurants), watch as many Breaking Bad episodes, The Daily Show or Colbert Report before we start to fall asleep.  Sometimes we get crazy and go bowling!  What does everyone else do?

So that’s where we’re at.  Rob is really pretty great, I know, so I’m totally going to kick ass at my side of the list.  Yeah, it’s on!

False Advertising

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To say that the advertisement pictures I’m about to share with you represent false advertising would be a HUGE understatement.  Like the most ridiculous understatement ever.  This ad in the coupon packet that comes in the mail every couple of weeks has brought me such joy.  Ok, maybe not joy but at least happiness. I laughed so hard when I saw this that a little pee may have come out.

Are you ready?  Ok, this is an ad/coupon for a local orthodontist.  And the orthodontist obviously thought it would be compelling to show a before braces and after braces picture.  I totally agree.  BUT (this is a big BUT), the person in the before shot must be the same person in the after shot.  Do these look like a match to you?

Wow, getting your Halloween teeth fixed makes you look 25 years younger!

Again, what a transformation!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Can you even believe this?  Not only are these totally different people, but they didn’t even try to find people that kind of  look alike! Oh, and the fake Halloween teeth are not doing you any favors Dr. Clueless-as-shit.

Happenings in the Hood

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So, remember my neighbors across the street?  Well, they continue to provide entertainment for me.  I still haven’t figured out if they’re all related/friends/halfway house, but I do know that the guy’s name is Dave.  Ok, I only know that because Rob told me, but still.  And Dave sells stuff.  He buys shit and then he sells it.  You know ebay style.  Oh, and yard sale style.  I am not kidding when I say that he had three yard sales in a row.  Yeah, that’s three Saturdays of yard sales!  Dude must drive a hard bargain.  Then, last weekend I could have sworn he was fixing to have another one.  He didn’t, but you should see the amount of stuff lined up on tables in their garage!  It’s like watching an episode of Hoarders when they group all of the items.

Oh, and speaking of Hoarders, I helped my sister clean my nephew’s room this week. Yeah, he’s only 9, but I’m pretty sure he might be a hoarder.  He’s a crafty little guy and digs making stuff out of tape, and I cannot tell you how many “tape” crafts I found jammed into drawers throughout his room.  I think we made sure all of them made their way to the trash.  Which I love, by the way.  I LOVE seeing things get clean. Cleaning stuff out and organizing makes my heart happy.

In fact, I just got rid of half my closet of clothes as well as Rob’s.  It’s like losing 10 pounds!  And now I have room for new clothes (hint hint Rob)!  Actually, he did buy me a few new things last weekend.  He went all Sugar Daddy on me, and although I like having things bought for me, I don’t like him throwing money at me in front of the cashier.  To use my Banana Republic reward, I had to use my store credit card. Rob wanted to pay, which is great, but give me the money later.  I mean we’re married for hell sakes!  What he did instead was pull a $100 bill from his wallet and toss it at me.  I seriously felt like a hooker.  I’m sure the lady helping us was thinking, I knew it.  I could tell these two weren’t close in age.  She is totally a gold digger!  Behold, there is no gold to dig for.  God I wish we could be in the same tax bracket as Mitt Romney.  That would be sweet.

We have no family money though, and I don’t think we started hustling early enough.  The kid that knocked on my door last week looking to make a buck (or 10) is on the right path.  Wait ’til you hear this…. 10 year old kid knocks on my door last week with a Papa Murphy’s coupon card in his hand and asks me if I want to buy it. He says something vague like, “Hey, do you want to buy this Papa Murphy’s card? You can get a pizza for $7.99 and stuff.”  I have a really hard time not giving money to kids going door-to-door, so I ask him if I can write a check or if he needs cash.  He tells me cash, so I follow up with asking him how much.  And his response lets me know he totally found this on the kitchen table at his house and is scamming me! He’s like, “Ummm should we say $10?  Is that good?”

Is that good?  Well, I don’t know.  Is it?  So I’m like, “Is this for school?”

And get a load of this…. He replies with, “No.  I’m just doing some fundraising on my own because I don’t have that much money.”

I was so proud of that kid in that moment.  Scam or not, dude has some balls!  I didn’t have any cash, so I told him to come back the next day, but I didn’t see him again.  If he comes to my door again though, I will totally give the kid $10.  That and a high five.