You Know It’s Cold When…

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Remember me mentioning that it’s been cold as shit in Utah?  Well, it’s still cold as shit.  It’s the big topic of discussion ’round this place lately.  And for good reason. The air sucks and we’re hitting record lows.  When the high temperature is a record low people start to get pissed.

I decided to put together a Top 10 list called “You Know It’s (stupid) Cold When…” Here’s what I’ve come up with.  Feel free to chime in with yours.

  1. People are talking about the weather not because they are trying to make small talk but because they are genuinely concerned (and pissed) about the arctic temps.
  2. You say out loud at least 15 times per day, “Oh my god, it’s cold.” Or any version of that phrase ranging from, “Do not go out there. It’s too cold” to “It’s fucking cold outside!”
  3. You warm up your car even when it’s been parked in the garage all night.
  4. Your animals, who generally love being outside, step out and look back at you like, “You’re fucking kidding me, right?  You expect me to poop in 6 degree weather?”
  5. Anytime you have to step outside for more than 10 seconds you sprint to do whatever it is you have to do.  Again, have to.  If you don’t have to go out, you won’t.
  6. You leave your coat on to eat dinner because you still haven’t warmed up enough after being outside for 30 seconds.
  7. You sleep in a hoodie, sweatpants and socks and that’s with the three extra blankets on your bed.
  8. Even the meteorologists have started voicing their opinion on the matter.  Instead of staying professional and giving the weather report matter-of-fact they’re like, “Well, it’s still miserable out there and will continue to be.  There’s just no good weather news to report, folks.”  Great.
  9. You heat up your microwave corn bag an average of 10 times per day.  Is this just me?  Ok, I do have a bit of an addiction to those things, but try one and you’ll see exactly why.
  10. You become obsessed with checking the temperature multiple times a day and then loudly let everyone know the current reading so that everyone can sigh and moan together.

I’m telling you, it sucks here right now.  Mexico anyone?

Birth Control

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A couple of weeks ago my sister told me she had a dream that I had a baby.  I was immediately like, “Oh no!  Was I a nervous wreck in the dream?  Did I check on the baby every 30 seconds to make sure he/she was still breathing?”  Jess assured me that it was all good.  It was a boy and things seemed great.  Her dream has no idea what the reality would look like.

Ever since she told me that I’ve been a little bit panicky.  Like what if something crazy happened and I got pregnant?  That would not be good, my friends.  No, I do not hate children.  I actually really like kids.  Rob and I have just decided that it’s not something we’re going to embark on together.  We’ll enjoy his daughter and our pets.  I mean Rob is not a spring chicken.  He looks like a spring chicken and acts like a spring chicken (totally rides his bike like one), but his drivers license says otherwise.  And remember, I’m a bit of a neurotic mess, so there’s that.

Who can afford kids these days anyway?  I get together with my girlfriends and they talk about all the lessons their five kids are in (yes, I said five) and I start getting heart palpitations.  I mean they obviously have a yearly income of like a million dollars.  How else is all this possible?

So in light of this new worry, I’ve been extra diligent about taking those magic pills they call birth control.  My doctor prescribed a new brand though and the tablets are chewable.  Chewable birth control?  What the hell?  So I’m chewing them, but I’m worried because little pieces are getting stuck in my teeth.  I’m (obviously) obsessively picking them out and swallowing them.  What if enough doesn’t make it into my system?  Good lord.  It is not necessary to have these pills be chewable. They are itty bitty!

Anyway, there’s my latest and greatest worry.  I’ve already brought it up with my therapist.

Say NO to the Birds!

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We’re hoping to take a family vacation in a few months to celebrate Em’s college graduation.  Yes, I have a stepdaughter who is old enough to have graduated from college.  Can you even believe it?!  We’re very proud of her and thought a family getaway sounded like the right way to celebrate.  Hopefully we can make it all come together.  I’ve been looking at a ton of all-inclusive resorts in Mexico, Dominican Republic and anywhere else that sounds like an awesome diversion when winter is still raging in Utah.

Quick tangent – – I’m already feeling a little sick of winter and it’s just getting rolling. Ahhhhh!  A massive winter storm finally came through pushing out the unbreathable air (not even joking around about the air; people were calling it a health emergency).  So now we have clean air but the high temperature tomorrow is 17 degrees.  17, people.  I rest my case.

Anyway, back to the vacation.  I’ve looked at countless resorts and I would venture to say that at least half of them have one or more photos of those stupid little doves (is that what they are – doves?) they like to make out of towels and place on the bed or bath in the room.  And most of the time they add some rose petals to make it look super romantic.  Is it just me or are these towel doves incredibly cheesy and outdated?  It’s like as soon as I see those damn birds I question whether or not this is a good fit for us.  Immediately I’m like, oh shit, they make those birds at this place. 

I know what you’re thinking.  I sound ridiculous.  They are simply making these god awful towel displays because they think they look nice and welcoming.  It’s a valid piece of feedback though.  I mean just look at them.

How romantic?

How romantic?

Ring in the New, PLEASE!

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You know what’s not good?  When years start mixing together.  Like 2010 becomes 2011, becomes 2012 and you pretty much remember jack shit about any of it.  Or, you remember that it maybe wasn’t as great as it should have been.  Which is ridiculous if you’re me, because I have so much to be happy about; so much others would look at and say, “Holy shit woman, your life is pretty sweet.”

I’m totally not a New Year’s Resolutions person, but I do want to make a concentrated effort to simply enjoy life more.  I’m sick of being worried and anxious and nervous.  Yes, these are real and legitimate feelings, but I have to work through them, right?  RIGHT?!  I will never be that go-with-the-flow, completely spontaneous person, but I think I can make some tweaks and adjustments here and there.  I can be fun goddammit!

Life is hard.  There’s a lot to navigate, and it’s easy to get caught up in the daily grind and forget about the big picture.  It’s easy to worry yourself sick (me) and stop doing the things that bring joy and fulfillment into your life.  You know, because you have stuff to get done!  There are responsibilities and obligations; things that MUST be done.  Oh wait, maybe they don’t have to be done.  Not right now.  Not today.

I’m going to surround myself with people that help me remember this.  People that are positive and can remind me that it’s not the end of the world if you have someone over and your dog takes a nip at them (God, I’m sick of worrying about this).  I want to spend time with the people that I love.  Quality time.  Instead of thinking ahead to tomorrow or even the end of the evening, I want to enjoy the moment I’m in.

There are people in my life that have far greater challenges than me (I’m looking at you, sister).  I want to help these people more, make them laugh and help them find some peace in their day.  I want to let go of anger and resentment and… OK, this might be too much.  I might be trying to take on more than I can handle.  Maybe I can just take it day by day.  Today is a new day, and for that I am grateful.

Happy New Year everyone!

Success!

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So the trip was a huge success.  I’m talking fits of laughter, clapping and cheering and spontaneous dancing in the kitchen.  We ate amazing food (if I do say so myself), played in the snow, watched Christmas movies, colored, read, decorated cookies, soaked in the hot tub and just really enjoyed each other’s company.  Even Heath had a rockin’ good time day two after we introduced him to Fireball Whiskey. He was feeling so good he threw my sister in the hot tub with all of her clothes on. After threatening to do the same to Rob, Rob voluntarily got in the with him.  I later learned they set up some sort of obstacle course in which they would roll in the snow three times, run to a tree and then run back into the hot tub.  I’m pretty sure the neighbors were thoroughly entertained by us.  That or really scared.

I know this is going to sound really sappy, but there were moments when I felt overwhelming love for my family.  I’m serious.  I really like being with these people. We have our issues and don’t always see eye to eye, but everyone came together for this trip.  And I’m serious when I say that spending a holiday weekend with my family was the best gift I’ve ever received.  We’re strange and some of us (Dylan) decapitate gingerbread men and turn the gingerbread house into a zombie house while others of us wear our pants pulled up to our boobs (Heath), but we’re funny as shit and know how to have a good time.

Here are some pics Rob took that capture the moments perfectly.  Not that you want to see a family slideshow, but, well, too bad.

Dylan romping in the snow

Dylan romping in the snow

Stevie braving the elements

Stevie braving the elements

Mom of the Century

Mom of the Century



Surprise attack! Jess is going in the hot tub clothes and all.

Surprise attack! Jess is going in the hot tub clothes and all.

The cooks in the kitchen!

The cooks in the kitchen!

Proof of the pants

Proof of the pants

My dad is stoked about something and the gift isn't even open yet!

My dad is stoked about something and the gift isn’t even open yet!

Mom and Dyl; best buds

Mom and Dyl; best buds

My bro is too cool for words

My bro is too cool for words

Em getting her sled on!

Em getting her sled on!

Cookie decorating!

Cookie decorating!

How's that for happy?

How’s that for happy?

The photographer actually made it in a shot.

The photographer actually made it in a shot.

Family Togetherness

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I know, I know, I haven’t blogged in FOREVER!  I have no idea what’s wrong with me.  I mean I have been busy with holiday stuff.  I’ve been shopping, wrapping, decorating, baking, buying way too much food (I get really excited about comfort, holiday meals) and making endless lists of things that I must not forget to do before this coming weekend.

This coming weekend my family (siblings, parents, spouses, kids) and I are headed to a luxurious getaway home in Deer Valley.  Which means that I have to have everything ready for Christmas by Friday so that when we return on Christmas Eve we don’t have to venture out with the hoards of procrastinators.

Anyway, back to the getaway.  Months ago I had this great idea of spending a couple of days at a snowy Christmas cabin or condo.  Not too far from home, not too close. Enough room for everyone.  A kitchen to cook amazing food in.  Ummm yeah I have high hopes.  Doesn’t it just sound so Christmasy though?!  And expensive. Lucky for us my brother-in-law has clients with lots of money.  And this money translates to second homes in Deer Valley that they are willing to let us stay at for FREE!  Who are these people, right?  I don’t even know them and I love them.

The first place we were supposed to stay at ended up flooding, so Heath (my bro-in-law) was like, “Hmmm who else do I know that has a place up there?”  And then he randomly called some client and asked if we could stay at her place.  He is so brave. She said yes even though they don’t even rent the place out.  Again, who are these people?

So, we’re heading up with the whole gang for a couple of nights to pretend like it’s our place and live the life of luxury.  I know it won’t be perfect.  That’s why we’re bringing a lot of alcohol.  How else do you think we’re going to make it two and half days under the same roof?

If I don’t make it back to the blog before then.  Who am I kidding?  I won’t.  Happy Christmas to all of you!  I hope that this holiday season is filled with love and togetherness (and Xanax if that helps take the edge off).

Overpopulated

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This last week it’s come to my attention that there are too many people in this world.  And most of these people really bug me.  I realize in the great valley of Salt Lake that we’re not jamming people in like they do in New York City, but there are people everywhere!  Part of the problem is that we’re trying to squeeze a bunch of people into the same space at one time.  The other part of the problem is that most of these people are idiots.  Hold on, I can back it up with cold hard facts.

The other night my sister, her two kids and I ventured out to the Festival of Trees. This is an event that takes place every year to benefit Primary Children’s Hospital. People decorate really cool trees (and gingerbread houses!), put them on display for others to see and then the trees are purchased by people with more money than me.  All proceeds go to the amazing hospital; the hospital my niece Stevie has spent far too much time in.  Anyway, it’s a great cause, but it’s also a major log jam of people trying to get a look at the trees. Between the strollers, wheelchairs and dumb people, it’s too much.  Oh and the parking!  Two different people were trying to get our parking spot when we left, which caused a line of about six cars behind each of them.  My sister has serious driving skills in her big rig, because honest to God, I would have hit at least three vehicles on my way out of that spot.  Actually, if I’m being honest, I wouldn’t have attempted to get out.

Then yesterday I made the Costco trip.  I do love Costco, and I felt that a Thursday afternoon would be safe.  Nope.  People everywhere!  And what is it with people waiting in line for a god damned sample!  Move out of the way and I will buy you a whole box of those donuts!  It is not worth jamming up the entire aisle.  The problem, I think, is that people have no awareness of other people also shopping.  If they did, they wouldn’t stop in the middle of a walkway.  Would they?!

Listen, I know what you’re thinking.  You’re thinking that I do all that stuff too.  I don’t though.  I am highly aware of my surroundings at all times and therefore am courteous of people around me.  I just sigh a lot and say things under my breath like, “Are you kidding me right now?”  You can thank my mother for this learned habit.

In the spirit of the holiday season, GET THE HELL OUT OF THE WAY!  Oh, and kindly consider adoption.  You know, to help with the too many people in the world problem.  Quick detour story about adoption, if you don’t mind.  My nephew has decided it would be really cool to have a brother.  So, he asked my sister if they could adopt one for him.  My sister was like, “Well, your sister has a lot of needs (holy understatement!).”  She was telling me about this in the car when my nephew yelled from the backseat, “Hey Mom, if we adopted a brother, Dad would be really mad if he found out.”  Yes, yes he would.

For the Health of It

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I’m not a huge fan of going to the doctor’s.  The dentist, yes.  (I love going to the dentist because it is impossible to get your teeth feeling that clean on your own)!  I really never head to the doc’s office except for my annual visit with my OBGYN.  Do I look forward to placing my feet on the stirrups and having someone I see once a year crank some cold metal device up my you-know-what?  No.  I know that it’s important though, so I do it.  I also oblige when the nurse asks if I’ll pee in a cup for her.  I’ve been peeing in a cup for years (at the doctor’s office!), and yet I still suck at it.  I’m sure the nurse is thinking, what in the hell is she doing in there?  What I’m doing is cleaning the pee off the outside of the cup and my hand!  Thank God I no longer need to come strutting out of the bathroom with a cup of warm pee in my hand.  Remember that?  Inevitably someone is right outside the bathroom and you no longer have any dignity.  Now, I get to leave my pee cup in the restroom.

In addition to my annual check-up, I try to exercise at least a few times a week. Today I hopped on my spin bike and cranked up a workout mix I have on my iPod. You would not believe how motivated I feel when Eminem belts out, “If she ever tries to fuckin’ leave again, I’m a tie her to this bed and set this house on fire!”  So violent, I know!  I’m telling you though, I am pumped when I listen to this song and I start pedaling like a son of a bitch.

Now, what do you all think about marijuana?  Healthy?  Relax, I’m not smoking it.  I inhaled enough second hand pot to keep me high for years.  I came across this scratch-n-sniff marijuana poster on Amazon today though.  Is this not hilarious? And hey, I’m pretty sure it’s not bad for your health.

If you like the smell of pot, you are in luck!

Reflection

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I’m in kind of a reflective mood lately.  Maybe it’s the time of year, maybe it’s the doings of my therapist (yes, I have one) or maybe I’m just getting old.  Whatever the reason, I’m happy about it.  In fact, I want to actively spend more time reflecting.  It doesn’t always need to be about something big.  Small things matter too, people. So, I’ve been reflecting on the last couple of weeks and I’ve come up with my “learning list.”

Bowel movements make everyone feel better –

In this case I’m referring to my dog’s bowel movements, but I do think (and know thanks to Dr. Oz) that they are important for everyone.  Jack managed to get one of his toenails ripped off last Sunday, which has turned him into a total gimp.  Before we took him to the vet to get him hooked up with some pain meds, the poor little dude didn’t want to do much of anything.  Which meant no walks.  Walks are when Jack poops, so no walks meant no pooping.  We tried and tried to get him to just go in the backyard but he would just stare at us and eventually sit down in the snow. On Tuesday he basically pulled Rob out the door to walk, and thank God, because he took a massive dump.  A dump which we celebrated.

Spending time with someone you love is therapeutic – 

My sister, Jessica, has the most challenging life of anyone I know.  Having a sick child with difficult behavior issues (this is an understatement) requiring 24-hour supervision would send most people to the nuthouse immediately.  Not Jess.  Nope. She’s a warrior.  And despite her crazy life, she manages to listen to my problems, support me and make me smile.

Playing and laughing with my nephew brings incredible joy –

Dylan, my 9-year-old nephew, and I don’t get to spend a lot of time together.  When I’m at their house, I’m usually watching his sister (the one requiring 24-hour supervision).  That and he doesn’t like me telling him what to do, so we clash a lot of the time.  Last week my sister had an appointment and Stevie was asleep, so Dylan and I actually got to play.  And it was so fun!  I always have stories to tell after I hang with Dyl.  This time he told me about a deaf kid in his gymnastics class, so I was like, “Oh, that’s cool.  Maybe you can learn some sign language.”  Dylan responded by telling me that he already does sign language to the kid and then proceeded to flash me some gang sign to prove it.  Pure awesome right there.

So there you have it.  Don’t worry, these sappy posts won’t continue.  I’ve got plenty of negative, sarcastic script just waiting to be written.

Getting Political

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I can honestly say that I liked presidential election years a lot better before Facebook was around.  As if the negative ads and endless analyzing on TV weren’t enough, now you have to read a bunch of political posts from people that, I’m sorry to say, sound like complete fucking lunatics.  No, I don’t think they’re crazy because they disagree with my political views.  I think they’re crazy because they share things that the Tea Party posted.  Come on Republican friends, you have to admit that the Tea Party is bat shit CRAZY!

Oh, and the negativity.  God, the negativity!  It’s one thing to say you disagree with a candidate’s politics.  It’s another to say you think they’re a terrorist who is out to ruin the country.  Do people really believe this bullshit?  If the answer is yes, I am afraid.  Granted, I live in one of the reddest states in the country.  This means that many of my Facebook friends fall into the red category.  Again, fine.  Not fine? Posting things like, “Well, goodbye America.  Hello wannabe USSR.”  Yep, someone said that.

I am a huge Jon Stewart fan (I seriously wish he could be my best friend), and his post-election night show was on the money.  Oh Karl Rove, I’m so embarrassed for you.  I know it’s hard to admit that your guy lost, but this is just plain sad.  If you have time and want a good laugh, watch the clip below.

Jon Stewart