Category Archives: humor

light-hearted posts

Working Through a Funk

Leave a reply

Do you ever go through periods of time in your life when nothing is really wrong and yet you just feel out of sorts?  Rob and I call it a “funk.”  And I’m totally in one right now.  By no means do I have anything to complain about in life.  I just don’t feel totally content.  I’m trying to convince Rob that a tropical getaway would probably solve a lot, but I’m not entirely sure he’s buying it yet.  Rob, are you buying it?!

Part of it is that I’m not blogging enough.  Work is starting to pick up, so I’ll be traveling a lot more, which means I better commit to doing this blog thing now. Otherwise, you can kiss my boring, yet somewhat comical life stories goodbye. We’re not ready to say goodbye though, are we?  Nah.

What I am continuing to do is Bikram, and I think it’s helping me to not sink so low into the funk that showers become a twice weekly thing and I stop wiping down the kitchen counters seven times a day.  Frightening shit right there, people!  No seriously though, Bikram Yoga makes me feel incredible.  Even on mornings like today when there are 70 people in the class (this is A LOT, they actually had to start turning people away), dude next to me is a bit stinky and doing some of the postures means touching your also very sweaty neighbor, I still love it.  This is literally how packed the class looked today.  I love the girl laying down because it is so typical of the way many of us feel during that class.

So, that’s where I’m at.  Could be worse.  I could be hanging out on the porch with the tweaker neighbors all day in my bathrobe smoking a Marlboro Light.  Thank God I’m not in that kind of a funk.

Happy Valentine’s Day!

Leave a reply

This will not be a mushy post.  Valentine’s Day was definitely cooler as a kid.  I mean I am not anti-Valentine’s by any means.  Rob and I exchange cards and make a nice dinner at home, but I just think it’s silly that people feel obligated to do the whole flower/chocolate/jewelry/god awful stuffed animal thing just because Cupid said so. Was it Cupid?  I don’t know.

Anyway, as a kid, you got to make Valentine’s boxes!  Of course mine always sucked, but it was still so fun.  Making cards for your entire class and carefully selecting the conversation hearts so no one got the wrong idea… or someone got the right idea.  A few years back my sisters, stepdaughter and I decided what the hell, we can still make boxes!  So we did.  The only problem was no one put any Valentine’s cards in them.  Minor detail.

Jack clearly doesn’t understand that today is a holiday about love.  If he did, he wouldn’t have rolled in dog poop.  Why must they do this?  I think he has a bit of a poop obsession lately.  I caught him with a piece in his mouth today (he dropped it), and then he came inside later with it all over his neck.  Hello, I am not feeling the love, Jack!  Maybe I can sweet talk Rob into giving him a bath.  You know, “Sweetie, since it’s Valentine’s Day….”

However you celebrate or don’t celebrate today, at least eat some chocolate.  You do have an excuse after all!

Friday Giggles

1 Reply

First, I may be moving the Daily Observation to this page.  It’s a format thing.

Second, I really needed a laugh today.  Ellen Degeneres is one of my favorite people and hidden camera pranks make me want to wet myself.  Combine the two, and well, you have a happy pee-soaked Sonie.  I found this compilation of some of her best hidden camera pranks.  I hope it brightens your day.

Something from The Mr.

Leave a reply

I have no idea if Rob (“The Mr.”) is going to be OK with this, but does it really matter?  Every once in awhile he types up an Onion-type news article.  If you’re not familiar with The Onion, GET FAMILIAR!  It’s a fake news cast (online) that is amazingly well done and absolutely hysterical.  Rob and I always talk about how fun it would be to write for them.  Here’s one of his “stories,” short but perfect.  Oh, but before we get to that, please make sure you’re checking out the ‘daily observations’ tab at the top left of the page.  I post something there every single god damn day. Today’s will be there shortly.

Local Weather Guy Nails the Seven Day

A party broke out at WKYN television after a bored intern figured out that- aside from last Thursday’s shower and a few degrees here and there- their weather guy had pretty much accurately predicted the last seven days of weather.

“She’s right,” gasped Meteorologist Stan Martin after cross-checking the information.  “I can’t believe it.  I got ‘em all right!” he shouted to the crew.  “That cold front I predicted was just a stab in the dark.”

“What are the chances?” muttered the General Manager as he ordered pizza for everyone.  “What are the chances?”

The Things You Do for Love

Leave a reply

Remember that guy I’ve mentioned before named Rob?  You know, my husband of seven and a half years who farts so loudly in the middle of the night that he wakes himself up?  Yeah, that one.  Well, he continues to entertain me in ways that some might not find entertaining.  In fact, some might find them downright disgusting. Tell me which side of the fence you’re on.

First, he has this really bad habit of wearing his leather watch band while he’s riding the spin bike.  Listen, the dude sweats when he rides the bike.  And, in case you didn’t know and don’t want to try figuring it out on your own, sweat on leather smells like pure ass.  In other words, it’s a very bad combo.  What’s super nasty (and annoying) about the whole thing is that he does it over and over and over and over (and over) again.  And every time he’s like, “Uh oh, you’re going to be mad.  I left my watch on again.”  Then, he asks me to smell it.

After I refuse to smell it, he tells me like a hundred times how bad it stinks.  Then, he decides he’s going to try washing the smell out.  Ok, that’s good.  Not good? Using his foot brush to wash it.  His foot brush is the one he uses to clean his fungus toenails.  I mean he has pretty much cleared up the fungus with the anti-fungal ointment, but this still seems like a bad idea.  I try not to even comment anymore when he comes out of the bathroom and announces, “I cleaned my watch with the foot brush.”

Remember, this is a man who is beyond talented.  He has like 12 Emmy’s to his name, rides a unicycle and plays the guitar.  Yet, he CAN’T REMEMBER TO TAKE HIS GOD DAMN WATCH OFF!  Sorry, a little outburst.  Oh, and the other week I saw something on the desk, the desk where he sits everyday.  I thought maybe it was just a crumb of something, so I picked it up.  That was when I realized it was not a crumb but a booger.  Yep, a rolled up booger.  Listen, everyone rolls and then flips their boogers.  Don’t deny it. Most of us flip them into the garbage or at least onto the floor though!  For hell sakes, follow through and make sure your booger is out of site!

So, this is what I deal with on a daily basis.  Obviously, I love him.

Candid Camera

Leave a reply

I was flipping through channels the other day and good ol’ Candid Camera was on.  It was old school and outdated in so many ways, but the concept of Candid Camera is still awesome.  I mean it’s hilarious!  Sometimes I wish I could pull off the kind of stuff they do on the show, but I can’t.  I can’t because I always think what I’m about to say or do is so funny that I bust up part way through whatever it is I’m trying to pull off.  Like, for example, at Witches Night Out (an annual event every Halloween), I tried standing outside of stores and telling people as they entered, “Everything in the store is half off” or “everything is buy one get one free.”  Except I would crack up immediately and people would just stare at me like, who is this idiot and why does she think she’s so funny?

Last night I was on the other end of it, and I have to say the guy trying to pull it off should totally look into acting if he hasn’t already.  We were at an Indian restaurant (Indian food is amazing, isn’t it?!) to which we’d received a gift card for Christmas. We were finishing up and pulled the gift card out and set it on the table.  One of the servers saw it and was like, “That card isn’t good anymore.”

Me:  “What do you mean it’s not good anymore?”

Turbin-headed server:  “You had to use it by December 31st.”

Me:  “But we just received it for Christmas.”

Server:  “Right, but they aren’t good after the 31st.”

Me:  “It has $40 on it though.  We just got it.”

Server:  “It says it in the card in the envelope it came in.”

Me:  “No, it doesn’t.  Rob, get the envelope out.”

Server:  “I’m just kidding.  That would be crazy.  We couldn’t do that.”

What the hell was that?  He then proceeded to snicker quite a bit and was soooo amused with himself.  He almost lost his tip because of it, but we were high on coconut kurma, so we gave him 20%.

Oh, and here’s something that should be on a prank show…. There was a dude on the freeway last week driving a vehicle that had large promotional text all over it that said, “Heating and Plumbing, Astrology and Hypnotist.”  I think I nearly wrecked making sure I’d read it right.  It really said that though.  And then it had a picture of a wizard and the guy’s name was Merlin something.  Now that’s what I call sticking to what you’re good at while also pursuing your dreams.  Plus, it might work.  Merlin comes to fix the drain and while the solution is soaking, he hypnotizes you and reads your tarot cards.  Amazing!

The End is Near

1 Reply

It’s hard to believe that 2011 is coming to an end in just a couple of days.  I’m pretty sure that at the end of every year I’m like, “Where did the year go?  What did I even do?”  That’s probably not a good thing, right?  I mean I did do things.  As a matter of fact, I did some big things at the end of the year.  I took a leap of faith and quit my job, and we finally got brave enough to adopt a dog.  A dog, that I’m fairly positive, is the most loved dog on the planet.

A look back on blogs from the year kind of makes it look like my life is full of big laughs and good times.  I guess that’s kind of true.  Here are some of my favorites:

  • Adventures at the HOA, where anything can happen during a camping weekend.
  • My grandma tried to sell me her shoes (the ones on her feet, remember), which is so awesome.

I hope to see you all back here in 2012!  That’s my New Year’s resolution for you all, after all… That you’ll read my blog faithfully and tell all of your friends how much you love it.  God, I’m shameless.

The Cat Drama Continues

Leave a reply

Remember the whole cat fiasco?  If not, you can find it here.  In addition to the vet’s office robbing us, they also neglected to apprise us of the possible side effects of steroid injections. Shortly after the steroid shot I noticed that Kitty’s litter box seemed to be filling up much quicker than normal.  Much quicker as in it looked as if she was peeing and pooping all day long.  She was also eating every morsel of her food and drinking every drop of her water.  When she was finished pigging out, she would move her food and water dishes around making it look as if she got pissed when she realized it was all gone and started throwing them.  Yes, side effects include, but are not limited to, increased thirst, appetite, urination and aggression.

So not only has this little creature cost us a shit ton of money, but she’s now costing me a shit ton of time.  I am cleaning the litter box almost every single god damn day.  And it’s not like I just have to clean out the box itself.  I also have to sweep up all the litter that she has managed to throw out of the box onto the floor.

Oh, and litter is now all over our house.  Now that she spends a large portion of her day in the litter box, she leaves traces of litter wherever she lays.  Luckily she’s not allowed on the upstairs furniture.

She’s allowed pretty much everywhere else though.  Last night she was laying on Rob’s lap and I noticed little pieces of litter all over his leg.  Then I noticed wet spots on the couch and realized she was drooling like a son of a bitch.  God, steroids and old age do not look good on her.

Here she is not in the litter box, clearly not wanting her photo taken.

Freedom!

2 Replies

I have officially been free of the retail world for one whole week.  Well, not free of the retail world; free of working in the retail world. BIG difference!  Today I actually spent lots of time in that world when I took part in the H&M grand opening.  Yep, I was one of those bat shit crazy people that stood in the cold for hours.  And other than my hips freezing up and the frostbite on the tip of my nose, it was totally fun.

Besides standing in really, really long lines, I haven’t had much down time since the “whole” transition.  (Sorry, that was only funny if you knew my retail job was with Whole Foods Market).  I made a quick trip to New Jersey for a training gig, ordered my Thanksgiving turkey and even managed to get an entire workout in.  Can you believe the craziness of my life?!  Neither can I.

Also crazy is how effing small of a city Salt Lake is.  (I’ve decided to work in effing in place of the real thing once in awhile to mix things up).  Listen to this…. Last weekend I was on Facebook and saw a picture Emily, my stepdaughter, had posted. The person in the photo looked familiar so I clicked on it and was like, “Holy shit, no fucking way!”  (Back to the real thing again).  The dude in the picture was none other than my best friend’s little brother!  The little brother that I spent my childhood with torturing and making play the Sweet Valley High board game because we really needed someone to be Ingrid.  And now he’s hanging out with Em! Seriously freaky, people!  Neither of them had any idea until I was like, “Uhhh are you hanging out with Jordan?”  It’s a little strange, but Britt and I decided if they get married one day we’ll be related, which would be AWESOME!  Then we could officially be sisters!

Always thinking of myself.

Other news is that our cat has feline asthma.  Of course it cost us $340 for them to tell us this.  Our vet visit went like this:

Vet:  It might be asthma but I really need to take an x-ray to figure it out ($80)

An hour later….

Yeah, it looks like feline asthma as you can see here, blah, blah blah.  I’m a little concerned with the shape of her heart though so we should probably have a radiologist look at the x-ray ($120)

I have no idea how this all added up to $340 now that I think about it, but the bottom line is I’m pretty sure we got ripped off.  Her heart, of course, was fine.  So Rob took her in for a shot.  He asked for the long acting one, which they told him they gave her.  Then, two days later the vet calls me to check up on Kitty (yeah, she doesn’t really have a name) and is like, “I just gave her the intermediate one because I was still a little concerned with her heart.”  Which is exactly when I called bull shit!

I am happy her heart is OK.  Especially since that means she most likely won’t die of heart failure when we bring a dog home.  If we ever bring a dog home.  Talk to Rob about that one.

Peeps in the Hood

Leave a reply

We have lived in our house for over six years now and we know two and a half neighbors.  The half is the lady across the street who I think is named Becky, who we’ve talked to maybe four times.  She’s totally nice and one time showed me her sweet glass art in the garage, but I’m only counting her as a half since we don’t exchange treats at Christmas.  The other neighbors we know are the crazies across the street and the couple we should be friends with two houses down.  In case you need a refresher, you can find it here.  Right, we are complete shit at socializing with the people that live around us.

What we discovered last night, however, is that if you light fireworks in front of your house, neighbors will flock to you.  Well, let me be more specific.  If you light fireworks after the legal date you’re supposed to light fireworks, neighbors will flock to you.  It might not be the most pleasant of interactions, but at least it’s an interaction.  The first neighbor that approached I can honestly say we’ve never seen in our lives.  I mean we’ve never seen him leaving in his car, mowing the lawn (oh wait, that’s because they have a brick front yard instead of grass) or getting the mail.  And, our first interaction started out a bit rough.  First of all he crossed the street with a purpose, headed straight for us.  When he got right in front of us, the conversation went like this:

Rob:  “Hey man, how’s it goin’?”

Neighbor (in a nasal tone):  “Not good!”

Rob:  “Oh, I’m sorry to hear that.  How come?”

Neighbor:  “Well, my dog’s a wreck.  People have been lighting off fireworks for over a month now.  We put up with it until now, but it’s past the date.”

Me:  “Oh, we thought today was the last day.”

Neighbor (super nasaly):  “Nope!  The dates were from the 26th of June to the 26th of July.”

Rob (killing him with kindness):  “Where do you live?  I don’t think we’ve ever met.”

Neighbor:  “Just across the street over there.”

Rob:  “Well, it’s nice to meet you.  I’m Rob.”

Neighbor (walking towards Rob):  “I’m Dave.”

What’s so cool about Rob’s approach is that he basically forced this guy to be nice. Mr. “not good” was suddenly shaking all of our hands and was all like, “Well, if you only have one more, you may as well light it.”  What is super awesome though is that the last firework was super duper annoying.  It did that loud whistling sound that makes you want to kill people and a shit ton of popping. Oops!

The second neighbor that approached was the one next door.  Yes, that’s right, we don’t even know the neighbor that lives right next door to us.  Give us some slack though, they’ve only been there for like two months.  This neighbor was warning Rob that the police showed up at their house within like five minutes when they started doing fireworks the night before.  Guess who probably called them?  Mr. “not good” most likely.  Dude has had enough!

So, we now know like 3 neighbors (I’m only giving the new guys quarter status at the moment).  I mean we’ll probably never talk to them again but whatever.  I’m still counting it.