Category Archives: humor

Just Doing What I Do Best

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As I’ve been out and about the last few days, I’ve noticed a number of disturbing things.  Because that’s what I do best; I’m “Queen of Observation.”  As a side note, in the sixth grade, someone said I was the “Queen of Fashion.”  If you saw my pictures from sixth grade you would probably disagree (and rightly so).  Anyway, observing.  That’s what I’ve been doing.  Here’s a rundown:

Observation #1: Parents totally have a favorite child

Listen, I’ve known this for quite some time, but it was recently in the news when some blogger admitted to having a favorite kid.  And people were all, “Oh my god, that is so terrible to admit!”  I’m not saying the kid that isn’t the favorite is going to dig it, but chances are good that by the time he/she is old enough, it will have already been made obvious to them.  The truth is that most parents have a favorite kid.  Most parents just don’t want to admit it.  My parents totally have a favorite kid. At first I wasn’t sure which one it was positively.  I just knew for certain it wasn’t me (with either parent).  Honestly, I’m OK with this.  I mean I feel a little bad that I’m favorite number 4 out of 4, but with a little therapy I should be fine.  What’s weird is that I think both of my parents have the same favorite; the baby.  The last child being the favorite makes sense.  I mean by then you’re probably a little more relaxed about raising a kid.  Plus, that kid is almost guaranteed to be spoiled, which will make them like you more.  It’s a winning combo if you ask me.

Observation #2: It’s Death Season

I was in a desperate search for the orange Halloween taffy (you know, the taffy with the black little face) the other day.  At each of my stops, I noticed a different sign out front for a shot (vaccination).  I saw the following signs within a 2-mile radius: flu, whooping cough, meningitis and shingles.  And I started to panic, because so far I haven’t received any of those shots.  Am I supposed to get a shot to help me from getting shingles?  Or is this some sort of advertising scam?  The signs were very well-made and the message was simple…. “Get your meningitis shot today or else….” I didn’t get vaccinated for anything that day, but I did find the orange taffy (score!).

Observation #3: People can see what you’re doing inside your car

I’ve observed lots of people doing weird or nasty things inside their rigs.  The classic, of course, is the nose pick.  I still don’t understand why people haven’t learned you should ONLY do this when traveling at high rates of speed.  Anyway, this week was not a nose pick.  Instead, at a stoplight I noticed a girl looking through an “anatomy coloring book.”  First of all, why do they have anatomy coloring books?  Weird.  Of course I instantly wondered if she was looking at the porn section (aka genitals). And she was!  I totally caught her staring at the male genital pages!  Then I thought, does she have to color this page?  Probably.  My stepdaughter is taking a Human Sexuality class and they had to draw this shit… in a group! Talk about awkward.

The Travel Log

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Hi there!  Remember me?  I’m back to give you an update on all things Sonie. Why? Because it might be somewhat entertaining, and everyone loves to be entertained.

First, let me start by saying that my anxiety level has definitely decreased.  For one, I’m trying to imagine the worst thing that could happen in my anxiety-ridden state, and most of the time, it’s not that bad.  Since most of my anxiety involves Jack and his unpredictability, the worst-case scenario is he takes a little bite at someone.  Is this good?  No, but he’s never done much damage.  Plus, it’s been over 4 months since we’ve had an incident!  Many people have come to the house and he’s been nice to everyone.  And camping this weekend he hauled ass towards one guy walking by the campsite only to sniff him and get some attention.  Do I want him charging towards people?  No, but we’re working on it.  Oh, and he was a freakin’ rockstar hiking off-leash.  Yes, he chased the cows (which, by the way, cows can move a lot quicker than I thought), but he did come back.

Now that we have the Jack update out of the way, let’s talk about work anxiety. Actually, I don’t have much work anxiety.  Is traveling to Switzerland to deliver a 2-day training course to big wig pharmaceutical folks intimidating?  Hell yeah.  Am I capable of pulling it off?  Absolutely.  And I did.  I spent 3 days in Basel, Switzerland on very little sleep, but I pulled it off.  After taking three planes, one train and one taxi, I arrived.  The hotel was very nice (should be when it’s over $300/night), but what is it with the Europeans pushing two twin beds together and calling it a queen? It’s cheating is what it is.  Also, when I order a coffee, fill it up.  I don’t want to pay for a cup of coffee that is a quarter full.  I’m going on three hours of sleep!

What a whiner I am.  The people there were so nice.  In fact, on the train back from Basel to Zurich, the ticket dudes totally let my fellow training friend off the hook when her ticket wasn’t valid.  They even blew kisses to us when we got off the train. Now that’s nice!  I’m telling you though, trains CANNOT be trusted.  I can’t tell you how many wrong trains I’ve been on (did it this trip, in fact).  Would it be too much to ask to make an announcement?

Obviously we made it, but it was much more difficult than it needed to be.  The last thing you want is a bunch of angry Americans arriving at the airport only to discover that they can buy a Swiss army knife right before boarding their plane!  So in case security confiscated yours, you can still purchase one so you can stab all your fellow passengers.  Ok, maybe they make you ship it to yourself?

I’m always stoked to get home.  Part of it could be the whole not sleeping for 20 hours thing that really makes me want to crawl into my own bed.  I also knew I had a long weekend with my boys to look forward to though.  Rob was able to take a couple of days off and the three of us took the trailer out for (probably) our final camping trip for the season.  It was gorgeous with the fall leaves and we basically had the campground to ourselves.  Two different families attempted to take the spot next to us, but Rob death stared down the first group and cranked up the music and danced for the second.  Both attempts worked and they moved.

A view of the Rhine River

The boys on a hike in Mt. Nebo

So Far Not So Good

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I booked a massage today for a few reasons: 1) I got it on Groupon for a steal, 2) I adore massages and 3) I thought it would be a good anti-anxiety activity (see previous blog). Upon entering the parking lot, I was immediately turned off.  It was really dirty and not at all maintained, which seemed odd for a spa that normally charges $80 for a 1-hour massage.  It wasn’t enough of a turn-off to not go in though.  I mean I had paid $35.  So in I walked.  The lobby was a little less than really nice, but it wasn’t terrible.  The receptionist (who also looked a little unkept) greeted me and told me someone would be right out.  And right out he was.  Enter the ex-con dude.

Listen, I know all of this is about to sound super duper judgmental, but hear me out. When getting a massage, it’s important to feel comfortable with the person that is about to touch your naked body for a full hour.  No, you’re not going to be BFF’s right away, but you really want to feel like this person is competent and not a creeper in the least.  Part of that feeling, I’m sorry to say, comes from their appearance.  This guy’s appearance (damn, I wish I could remember his name!) was very ex-con/white trash/creeper like.  He had on a ratty t-shirt, low-riding jean shorts and unlaced tennis shoes unaccompanied by some prison-looking tattoos (I know, there is nothing wrong with tattoos, but it just added to the whole ensemble). Maybe even if he was dressed in a tux, I would have gotten the eebie jeebies.  I do believe in intuition, after all.

I immediately thought about lying there on the table with this dude touching me and I wanted to throw up in my mouth.  I mean I really had a not-so-good feeling.  I proceeded to fill out the form hoping that maybe he was just the guy that handled the paper work.  When he came back though he was like, “So where would you like me to focus?”  And that’s when I knew I had to leave. So after answering questions like, “Do you have any lacerations I need to know about” (lacerations?!), I told a big fat lie and said, “I need to grab something out of my car.”  Only instead of grabbing something out of my car, I got in and drove like hell straight out of the parking lot.

Obviously my anxiety level went up rather than down, but you know what, that’s OK.  I’m feeling really good about my decision right now.  I mean even if Mr. Creeper was legit, there is no way I would have ever been able to relax.  Note to self: Pay the big bucks for the spas and massage therapists you know and trust.  It’s worth every penny.

Oh and so that all of you Utahns can avoid this place, it’s called A New Day Spa and is located on Highland Drive.

The Anti-Anxiety Project

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Have any of you read the book The Happiness Project?  Well, I have.  The project started when the author decided she wasn’t really “living” her life.  You know, she was just sort of going through the paces, and while she appeared to have a perfect life on the outside, she wasn’t really deriving a lot of joy from it.  So, she spent a year focusing on the small stuff and writing a book about it.  A book which not only brought her happiness but also a shit ton of cash, I’m sure.

Anyway, I read this book probably a year or so ago, but I’ve recently started thinking about it.  Thinking that maybe I should embark on a 365-day journey of some sort. (Also, I watched the movie Julie & Julia the other night – – another 365-day journey).  Am I happy?  Overall, yes.  Do I live in the moment?  Not usually.  Do I have a crazy amount of anxiety that probably warrants medication?  Maybe.

It might seem strange that I’m OK sharing this stuff with people I don’t really know (I know some of you, yes, but I also have readers that I know nothing about), but I’m thinking this blog can serve as a therapy of sorts.  Only instead of this being a happiness project, I’m calling it The Anti-Anxiety Project.  What do you think?  I have no idea what that really means or what I’ll need to do each day to succeed, but I’m kind of digging the concept.

In order for this to work, I need your ideas.  What are some ways that you relieve stress and anxiety in your lives? Big and small, but mostly small.  Start sharing your thoughts.  In the meantime, I’ll continue writing about my daily observations and strange happenings.  Here’s a silly one that I’ll leave you with…. While driving last week, the car in front of me had a bumper sticker that read, “watch out  for the idiot driving behind me.”  And because I’m quick I realized hey, wait a second, that’s me! How rude is that?  Although that bumper sticker totally worked for the guy with two fake legs that rammed into the back of me.

Home is Where the… Stress is?

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First, let me say that it was really great waking up yesterday morning knowing that I didn’t have to fly anywhere.  For five weeks I jumped on a plane every Monday. Small planes, big planes, late planes, smelly planes.  I’ve seen them all.  I’ve also witnessed very upset people missing those planes.  In Erie, Pennsylvania, I witnessed a guy drop several f-bombs to himself (loudly, I might add) after missing his flight.  It was very dramatic, so I figured he must really need to get home.  Two minutes later though he made a phone call to his wife explaining that he wasn’t going to get home in time for the Bingo game.  Holy shit dude, BINGO?!  I just don’t know that a Bingo game is worth so many f-bombs.  I could be wrong though.

I also witnessed a lady in the Detroit airport sprinting to her gate.  The gate where the door had already been closed.  She proceeded to run to the door shaking it and yelling, “Nooooo!”  I felt very sad and also a little embarrassed for her.

I’m happy to have a month where I board zero planes.  Because honestly, I prefer to be home.  Not that my home is stress-free.  Mainly because I’m a stress case.  Yes, I am, by nature, a worrier.  I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again.  I worry about what’s happened in the past, I worry about what might happen in the future, and I worry about not enjoying the present moment.  I’m working on it though.  I have to do it for my own sanity and the sanity and happiness of Jack.  You remember him? The fear aggressor dog?  He’s made a lot of progress, but we both have a ways to go.

In fact, maybe now is a good time to solicit volunteers for Jack’s socialization process. We’re looking for people who would like to come to our house (dinner, snacks and/or drinks provided) and meet Jack.  If you’re male, we really want you.  If you’re female, he’ll like you, but you’re welcome as well.  When you come over, we’ll ask that there is no touch, no talk and no eye contact with Jack until he has had a chance to smell you and we know that he is comfortable.  We need calm individuals who will not sue should anything go awry.

Also, if you have a well-balanced dog, we need you too!  Jack loves my sister’s dog and they play very well together, but he needs to get over his reaction to other dogs on walks.  If  your dog is a well-behaved dog, we would love for you to come on some walks with us.  Dave and Georgia, I’m looking at you right now.  I know you have that really cool dog Chaser… Think about it.

Ok, enough of the solicitation blog.  Again though, if you feel like you might be able and willing to help, I’m sure karma will return the favor.  Or God.  Or Buddha. Whatever you believe, I’m almost positive you will be rewarded appropriately.  That and you’ll get a huge warm fuzzy.  And who doesn’t love those?

Going Out with a Bang!

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Well, let’s just say that week four of my crazy work trips turned out to be a doozy.  I did go out with a bang though.  Ok, it was more like a CRASH!  Yeah crash as in the sound you hear when someone slams into you going 45 mph (this is a guesstimate). More on that later though.

My week started in New York Monday.  I flew into JFK, landing at midnight.  My first session was scheduled for 9:00am Tuesday in Danbury, Connecticut, so the driver had to pick me up from the airport and drive me 70 miles (rental car places were closed, and I had no desire to drive out of JFK anyway… have you been there?!).  I was already prepared to be training and driving on Tuesday on very little sleep.  I wasn’t planning on monitoring my driver the entire way to the hotel because he WAS FALLING ASLEEP!  The dude’s job is to drive people around and he’s falling asleep at the wheel?!  It’s a damn good thing that I’m Captain Over-prepared/Hyper-aware/Nervous Nelly.  I mean yes, it was very late, but your job is to stay awake at the wheel!  Instead the dude kept squinting and then closing one eye and then his blinks became WAY too long.  So, I started coughing and sniffing really loudly while I watched his eyes like a hawk in the mirror.  When that didn’t seem to be having much affect, I point blank asked him if he was staying awake and his response (you will not believe this) was, “I’m trying to.”  You’re trying to?  This is not at all the response I was hoping for.

I offered to let him pull off and get some coffee or 7 Red Bulls.  He didn’t, which caused me to have to make loud noises and ask stupid questions to keep him awake until we arrived at my hotel at 1:40am.  I have no idea how the guy made it back to New York City.  He really needs to figure out how to stay awake though.  That or get a new job.  Gees!

So I survived the drive to Connecticut and had a cab take me the next morning to pick up my rental car.  I ended up with a small SUV (Ford Escape), because it was all they had other than some massive Cadillac or an Explorer (way too big for driving so much). The drives on Tuesday went off without a hitch and I was totally digging the car.  Who doesn’t love rocking out to the 80’s and 90’s on Sirius radio?

My luck ran out on Wednesday.  I was driving from California, Maryland to Reagan National Airport to catch a flight to Mississippi for my final two training sessions. About 20 minutes from the airport, some old guy slammed into the back of me at a light.  And listen, this wasn’t like a little bump.  The speed limit on the road was 55, but there are stoplights every couple of miles.  I had just stopped at the light behind a row of cars when I glanced in my rear view mirror and saw a car hauling ass towards me.  At that point there was nothing I could do but brace myself for the hit. Thank God I was in that vehicle instead of some hatchback car.  I really don’t think I would have fared so well.  The car that hit me was totaled and my car basically lost the back bumper.

Of course my first thought was, shit, I’m in a rental car!  I never pay for the loss/damage control, so I immediately panicked.  I think I’ll be OK since it wasn’t my fault and there were several witnesses, but it’s the last thing I want to deal with.  I have no idea what was going through the old guy’s mind.  Clearly he had no intention of stopping.  And although it’s not a funny situation at all, I almost laughed out loud when I saw the paramedics pull a fake leg from his car!  The driver had two fake legs!!  Not like high-tech prosthetics but old school fake legs.  Seriously?

I don’t think he or his friend were seriously hurt, but both of them were put into neck braces and taken into the ambulance.  I opted not to be checked out, because I felt fine.  Today I’m pretty sore, but I honestly think I’m fine.  And I’m home now.  A huge shout out to Rob Cordova for being there and driving 6 hours to cover my stores in Mississippi so that I could go home a day early!

I made it to the end of this insane travel schedule.  And other than the horrible car accident, things went really smoothly.  Here are some stats to impress the shit out of all of you.  That or make you cry:

  • Miles flown: 14,245
  • Number of planes: 15
  • Miles driven: 2,751
  • Hotels slept in: 11
  • Number of rental cars: 4
  • Number of car accidents in rental car: 1
  • How long it took me to calculate all this: TOO LONG

Next up is Switzerland!  Until then, I’m going to sit back, relax and do a whole lot of nothing.

On the Road Again

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I know, I know, all I write about are my road adventures.  I have nothing else to write about.  This is my life right now.  I mean I go home for three days a week, but so far those have been spent cleaning, doing laundry and taking care of a sick husband (men are not good sick people, by the way).

Last week I finished out the week in Myrtle Beach, South Carolina.  Before I reached Myrtle Beach though, I had to stop (and stay) in Goose Creek, South Carolina.  The name says it all, doesn’t it?  Up to that point all of my lodging accommodations had been decent.  The streak had to end somewhere though, and it did in good ol’ Goose Creek.  The first sign that you might be staying in the ghetto is when you have to access your room from the outside.  I’m telling you; this is never a good sign.  The second indication would be a sign like this:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

This is the politically correct way of saying, “Don’t steal our shit.”  It’s also a very good indication you are staying in the hood.  The third indication is a shower head that feels like a fire hose.  I kid you not.  I was almost positive I would have welts afterwards.  I have never wanted a shower to end more in my life.

I made it out of there alive, but just barely.  I nearly died again when I was forced to run through the Atlanta airport (busiest airport in the United States) to catch my connecting flight.  Why in the hell would Delta book you on a flight in which you have a total of 36 minutes between flights… in Atlanta?!  Luckily I made it just in time to see the pilot boarding the plane looking really pissed.  This will make even the most frequent flyers nervous.

I realized why he was pissed later when he announced that it would be some time before we could take off as, “they were making them take a different route, adding time to the flight and requiring that more fuel be added to the plane.”  So there we sat for an hour while the dude behind me threw up into a garbage sack.  Yep, that really happened.  He spent most of the flight in the bathroom, but when he wasn’t in the bathroom, he was shaking and dry heaving directly behind me.  I did a lot of breathing into my neck pillow.  Listen, I felt bad for the guy.  I’ve been on the verge of vomiting on a number of occasions flying, but none of them were because I had the flu.  Motion sickness isn’t contagious.

Right now I’m in Columbus, Ohio, but I’ll be ending my day in Buckhannon, West Virginia.  Who wouldn’t want to go to a place called Buckhannon?  I know, don’t be jealous.

Just Like a Trucker

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I liken myself to a trucker lately.  Minus the sleeping in your rig part.  Oh, and I have yet to stop at any truck stops or show any serious butt crack (that I’m aware of). How stereotypical am I?  I can hear you all now, “NOT ALL TRUCKERS LET THEIR CRACK HANG OUT!”  I don’t mean to offend.

Seriously though.  All this driving is pretty nutty.  I never realized just how upsetting the word “recalculating” could be until I’d been driving for hours on the verge of what I like to call a pee emergency.  When she says that word (my GPS is female), I nearly have a fit.  Ok, I do have a fit.  And the words that come out of my mouth aren’t that nice.  Something like, “Hello, you told me to stay left!  The highway veered right.  Get your shit together lady!”  Although the recalculation usually loses me a total of one or two minutes, it’s still upsetting.

When I’m not driving I’m either in a Lowe’s store delivering the training or eating crap from some fast food place (trucker style, again).  And the trainings have all gone really well, but you would not believe the comments that come out of people’s mouths when I say I’m from Utah.  One guy was like, “Do you ride a horse?”  Huh? You mean to get around?  I simply replied, “No, I don’t ride any horses.”  Mind you, these are very small towns I’m in, not anything like Salt Lake.  You know, towns where they drive tractors around.  It probably didn’t help that I let them know it was Pioneer Day yesterday and then explained what that meant.  The looks on their faces said it all.  Whatever, I like Pioneer Day.

I visit two stores in South Carolina tomorrow and then I get to start my trek home. In a plane, thankfully, not a car.  What is it with what people lug onto planes these days, by the way?  I have seriously seen people carrying their full size pillow and blanket.  Have you been on an airplane, people?  There is hardly enough room for your ass let alone your entire bed set!  Sorry, I’m tired.

One Down, Three to Go

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I completed my first week of craziness on Thursday.  After driving 1,000 miles through 2 states, taking 4 flights and not landing until midnight, you could say I’m a little tired.  Or, you could be more accurate and say I’m exhausted.  I have to say though that I’m very happy with how smoothly things went.  I never got lost, never ran out of gas and all the training sessions were a success.  Of course I still have 3 weeks to go, so there’s plenty of time left for any of those things to happen.  Please pray that none of them do.

The only really traumatic encounter I experienced was the one with the crickets. Yep, crickets.  They are EVERYWHERE during this time of year in the south.  When I checked into my hotel in Marble Falls, Texas, there was a sign with a picture of Jiminy Cricket talking about the problem, which is very deceptive because the crickets aren’t anything like the one off of Pinocchio.  The one in my bathroom sink was big and scary, not cute and full of wisdom.  And even though I knew it would make me look like a complete ass, I asked the lady at the front desk if she would come get it for me.  I first thought about trying to drown it, but then I remembered how well they jump.  And forget about squashing it.  That’s way too much crunch for me.

Everyone there thought it was rather amusing; my fear of the crickets.  In one of the stores I trained in there were crickets all over the room.  Most of them were dead, but there were a few crawling around.  And when I was like, “Ummm there are a lot of crickets in here.”  They nonchalantly were like, “Oh yeah, they’re everywhere.”  Like we were talking about flowers or something.  Seriously people, why do you live here?!

Next week I hit 4 states; Mississippi, Alabama, Georgia and South Carolina.  Stay tuned for more adventures from the south.  I’m sure there will be many.

Giddy’up!

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I’m sitting here at a Starbucks in Harlingen, Texas.  If you’re not familiar with Harlingen (is anyone?), picture the tip of Texas.  Can you see it in your head?  That’s where I am.  As far south as you can get.  Are you jealous?  I thought so.  There are a lot of big hats and big trucks here (I know, I know, everything is big in Texas).  Oh, and lots of crosses as well as dashboard art.  And since we’re basically on the border, I thought for sure that the cop walking down the side of the freeway was totally involved in a border drug raid.  Unfortunately it was only a fender bender.

This morning as I was leaving the hotel the weather forecast sign simply said, “Hot and humid.”  I’m pretty sure they wanted to follow it with, “Shut up and get used to it.”  I’m definitely not used to this kind of humidity.  I mean I live in one of the driest states ever!  Our freeway signs talk about the danger of wildfires (the whole state is basically on fire).  In Texas they say, “Hurricane season is here.  Be prepared.” Which, I’m totally not.  Prepared, I mean.  Shit, someone tell me what you do in a hurricane.  Besides cry, I mean.

So far everyone has been really nice.  My first training session was full of people that felt so sorry for me.  I told them about all of the driving I was going to do and they got these looks on their faces that said, oh my god, you are going to be miserable. Instead they were like, “Oh wow.  Good luck.  Marble Falls (where I’ll drive today… 5 hours away) is really pretty.” I’ll keep you posted as to whether or not this is true.