Category Archives: humor

What’s in Your Suitcase?

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So last week I stayed at a very swanky hotel in New York City.  I stayed there meaning I rolled in about 10:30pm, ate a VERY late dinner and went to bed.  And this place was swanksville.  Like instead of kickin’ it old school with the ‘do not disturb’ paper signs, they had buttons inside the room that when pushed turned on an indicator light outside the room.  Also, the robes were animal print, not your standard white.  Swanky, I know.

Anyway, I’ve seen a number of hotels offer things that guests may have forgotten, such as a toothbrush.  Check out the third item on this list though.  Since when do people take their coffeemakers on trips?  Am I out of the loop or something?  I mean I like my coffeemaker and all, but I’ll stick with the hotel’s brew or Starbucks. Gees!

Oh thank God! I knew I’d forget something.

The Travel Log Begins

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So my insane travel schedule is set to commence in 2 weeks.  However, I am traveling next week (vacation) and I traveled last week (work).  And even a short trip like the one I had last week can really take it out of you.  Especially when you’re traveling to New York City.  Listen, I am not knocking the melting pot.  I get why people love the buzz of a big city.  Personally, however, I want no part of it.  When you jam 7 million people into like 11 square miles or something (I’m probably making this up, but you get the point), it’s bound to get ugly.  I mean it should not take 60-90 minutes to travel 14 miles!  And flying in or out of JFK is kind of a joke. The flight there went fine, but then I had to get a cab.  Uhhh yeah there were roughly 200 people in line in front of me looking to do the exact same thing.  Who knew?!  On the flight home we were delayed by over an hour.  After about 40 minutes of sitting on the runway, the pilot was like, “Hey folks, sorry for the delay. It’s a busy time of night.  Look like we’re number 20 for takeoff.”  Number 20?!  You mean there are 20 planes in front of us?  20 fucking planes?  Sorry, just a little dialogue that took place in my head.

Oh, and just a note to all the flight attendants out there:  Don’t turn on the intercom until you know exactly what you plan to have come out of your mouth. Before the flight took off from SLC, the flight attendant announced (quite casually, I might add), “Could we please have whoever left the infant…”  And then there was like this really long pause which gave me time to think, oh my god, people are just leaving their infants on the jetway now? Of course she finished with, “carrier.  Please come and get it from the jetway.” Phew!

Placebo

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My poor niece, Stevie, has been on every medication known to man.  Ok, not really, but she’s been on plenty.  And this has been her life since the age of 3, so she doesn’t really know anything different.  Which is why when she hears my sister and I talking about trying a new medication, supplement or vitamin for her, she obsesses over it.  Take the other day.  Jessica, my sister, mentioned to me that there was some debate about whether Stevie would benefit from Xanax.  For the next hour all I heard was…

“I want some Xanax.”

“Mom, please give me some Xanax.”

“Aunt Sonie, I’m ready for some Xanax.”

Finally Jess gave her something else (not a medication but some juice) and told her it was Xanax, Stevie said, “Ahhh I’m ready to calm down now.”

Just proof that there is a placebo effect, I guess.

You Forgot Something

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I was getting out of the car yesterday to go into Bed Bath & Beyond and this was what I came upon.  I wanted to get a better shot, but I (obviously) didn’t want the dude to know I was taking his picture.  I mean if he’s OK walking around a strip mall without a shirt on, what else is he capable of?  Doesn’t he know the rule, “No shirt, no shoes, no service?”  Get it together, man.

No shirt, but his pants are pulled up really high.

More on Words

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After I finished yesterday’s blog I was like, holy shit, I could have typed so many more things that come out of Stevie’s mouth. The kid has been through A LOT, so don’t judge.  Or do judge but act like you didn’t.  Here are some more favorites:

“Let me smell your breath.”  Stevie is very into smelling things (she’s like a dog in many ways).  For this one, we do ask her to ask a different question.  You should see the look on people’s faces.

“You have kids?”  If the person answers that they do have kids, Stevie has some follow-up questions, such as:

“And what they did (this is what did they do) when they were in your stomach?” or

“And you pushed?”  Stevie is very into labor/delivery stories.  What, we let her watch Baby Story on TLC.

“Dance.”  She is so demanding and just expects that someone she just met is going to bust out their best moves.

“Hold me.”  Again, said to strangers on a regular basis.

“Do a backflip.”  My sister reminded me of this one.  She requests it of me all the time.  Last time I tried explaining that I don’t know how to do a backflip and certainly wasn’t about to attempt it on the tile kitchen floor, she said, “Watch and learn.”  She then proceeded to a do a somersault (thank God!).

“What are you here for?”  This is what she asks people in doctor’s waiting rooms.  So far no one has answered.  I’m waiting for the day when someone’s like, “Well, I have this really weird rash….”

“Need some oxygen!”  The poor child’s world is all medical-related, so she requests oxygen throughout the day (she only needs it a bit while sleeping) and also to be “hooked up” to her TPN (liquid food she is fed via her feeding line).

Here she is with me last weekend.  I obviously gave in to the “hold me” request.

A Way with Words

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My niece Stevie has a way with words.  Like remember the time she told her teacher I “kicked her ass?”  Right.  And she has no problem talking to anyone and everyone. I mean literally everyone.  Some of her questions and comments to complete strangers are totally appropriate.  Like:

“Hi, how are you?”

“What’s your name?”

“How are you?”

Other ones?  Not so appropriate.  Like:

“I love you.” This is right after she’s learned their first name.

“Come over here, I’m talking to you.” This is generally yelled.

“Hug me.” Never a good idea.

“Are you pregnant?” This one happened just today in a doctor’s waiting room filled with lots of people.  Talk about awkward.  Of course, the girl was not pregnant.  I seriously just put my head down.

“Are you smoking?  DON’T SMOKE, IT’S BAD FOR YOUR BODY!”  While it’s true that it is bad for your body, I’m pretty sure people don’t appreciate a 6 year old lecturing them.

The Code

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Last night we got pulled over on I-215.  We had no idea why we were getting pulled over; we weren’t speeding, car is registered, car would have alerted us if a light was out.  And then we realized it was because the cop was a total douche bag with nothing better to do.  He approached the car and was like, “The reason I pulled you over is because we have a move over law in Utah.”  Rob was like, “Yeah, I know.  I actually tried to get over when I saw your lights but I couldn’t because a car was there.”  And this is the truth.  He really did try to get over.  Officer Douche Bag stated that he “looked in his mirror and we had plenty of room.”  Seriously dude?

Ok, so thanks for the reminder.  We’ll be going now.  Nope.  Then Officer I’m-Really-Bored asked us where we were headed.  Why in the hell is this any of your business? Plus, Rob and I actually didn’t know where we were going.  We were deciding as we drove, so we gave completely different answers, which probably looked suspicious and would have been better if we said we were on our way to make a drug deal and kill a couple people.  Oh, and then he asked us where we were coming from and quickly asked for license and registration.

When he came back to the car he had printed a warning and also the code that talks about the “move over” law.  And get this… He asked us to share it with 10 of our friends.  (Quick side note:  dude had really nasty teeth and little pieces of spit kept flying out of his mouth and landing in the rig).  So we quickly scheduled a conference call to spread the word.  Yeah right.  Instead, we thought about reminding him of our codes.  Like the one we have that states no douche bags are allowed to approach our vehicle.  Also, no saliva is to exit anyone’s mouth while in the car.

While he had us pulled over we had at least 20 cars pass us without moving over. I’m pretty sure one of them now knows the code.

Living up to the Stereotype

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Last night Rob and I went to a class at REI about bike touring.  We’ve always wanted to do some sort of tour on our bikes.  For me, I envision a tour where we ride from campground (or motel if we really want some luxury) to campground where we can shower each night.  Listen, I’ve done backpacking trips that last a week without a shower, but it’s different when you’re dealing with serious butt sweat from sitting on a bike all day long. It’s no joke.  The presenter repeated several times that you need to “take care of your butt.”

Anyway, as we were sitting in the class I realized that almost every person in the room was wearing Tevas.  And I was like, holy shit, these people are so living up to the REI stereotype.  You know the one; doesn’t give a shit about their toenails, wouldn’t dream of wearing makeup, owns at least two pairs of TEVAS, gets noticeably angry when talking about RV’s ruining all the campgrounds.  And speaking of toenails, one dude had at least three black ones.  I didn’t want to look at them and yet I had to keep stealing a glance, each time feeling more and more queasy. As I looked around the room, I almost felt guilty for being an REI member and not owning a pair of this REI shopper staple.  I did the whole Birkenstock thing though and I still have nightmares about it.

The Daily – Poop Talk

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Jack has this thing where he really likes pooping in bushes or on large rocks.  He gets his butt so high up and right against the bush that the poop ends up all over his butt hair.  And remember, he’s white.  Oh, and he doesn’t like me trying to get it off with a wet wipe, so if we don’t immediately bathe him, he ends up with pieces of poop stuck to his butt.  Here’s a visual of when it’s still wet.  I’m pretty sure that we’re going to have to take scissors to it now that it’s dry. Di-freaking-stugsting.

Stop the Hate

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So there’s this blog I follow that is incredibly successful.  The blogger lives here in Salt Lake and has made quite a living from it all. And you know what?  I’m OK with that.  I mean I’m jealous, but I’m OK with it.  Lots of people so aren’t though.  It’s like people are so angry that she has made such a killing from simply writing about her life.  And I’m like, uh what’s wrong with that?  I mean if it works, don’t be mad that you didn’t think of it first.  Don’t be such a hater because you sit in a cubicle for 8 hours a day.  Today she posted a link to all of these hater comments and I was absolutely stunned at how mean people can be!  Who are these people?  I know you have to develop a really thick skin when you’re doing anything that is open to criticism (like blogging), but holy shit!  Hey meanies, settle the fuck down!

There are other things to worry about in life besides how people are spending their time or making a living.  Like how my dog is a fear biter.  You know how much I love my dog by now, I’m sure.  He’s been featured here, here, here, here, here and all over here.  I mean the little guy is seriously the love of my life.  I have such high anxiety about the fact that he wants to nip at people’s legs because he’s a nervous norman though.  That’s what I worry about.  Don’t worry though, we have roped some friends into risking their legs so we can teach him properly.  It’s weird that people actually say yes when Rob and I are like, “Hey do you want to come over for a beer and a bite from our dog?”

Another thing to worry about is the fact that 8 year olds are now texting while riding their bikes.  Yep, that’s what happened in front of my house yesterday.  Some elementary school kid riding his bike, not looking or steering, but texting like a mad man.  Oh, and there was totally a medical incident with some of my tweaker neighbors last weekend.  Since I’m pretty much a detective, I have decided that it was somehow drug-related.  Listen, four cop cars don’t typically show up alongside the ambulance and then hang out talking on the lawn for a really long time if it’s just a regular ol’ medical emergency.  I’m all over it!