The Wearing of Robes

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So, this is completely strange, but the neighbors that lived next door to us now live across the street from us.  One day Rob was like, “So, it looks like the neighbors across the street are moving.”  (Yes, that’s right, we don’t know their names).  And then I realized that immediately after they were moved out the neighbors across the street started hauling their boxes and furniture over.  Are you confused yet?  Read it again.  It makes more sense the second time.

We’re actually kind of bummed that the neighbors that previously lived across the street moved out.  Not because we knew them or anything.  I mean we exchanged a few words here and there, but it’s really just because they totally cleaned the place up.  Yes, it bothers us when people let their yards and houses go to shit.  It brings the whole neighborhood down!  Never, never store large appliances or vehicles on your front lawn.  These things do not count as lawn art.

We have no idea what the story is with the neighbors that moved from next door to across the street.  We’ve spoken like fifteen words to each other.  I think it’s some sort of communal living situation, because there seems to be a grandma, some adult kids and then some small kids.  And like I’m pretty sure no one really works. Seriously, they are ALWAYS home… in their robes!  I am not exaggerating when I say that every time I’ve seen the son or the mom outside, they have been wearing a robe.  Yes, they have like sweat pants on as well, but seriously?  The dude is like a chain smoker, so he spends a lot of time out on the front porch burning heaters in his bath robe.  It doesn’t matter what time of the day it is, he will be sporting that robe.  Every time I see him I think, YOU ARE NOT HUGH HEFNER!  You can’t wear a god damn robe ALL DAY long!  Not that I think it’s OK Hugh Hefner does it either.  I don’t get the whole Hef thing at all, but that’s another blog entirely.

It’s a What?!

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Yesterday I stopped off at Calling All Dogs to pick up a couple of chew toys and bones for Jack.  He’s pretty much chewed the shit out of his stuffed bird and doesn’t seem to care for the bones we got him, so I thought I’d try some new stuff.  This is the same place that we take Jack for his obedience school, so I really think they know what they’re talking about.  One of our trainers came over when I was shopping and asked if I’d ever given Jack a bully stick.  I haven’t.  They were in the jars on the tables with all the other bones, so I assumed, naturally, that they were also bones. The lady was like, “If you care about the smell, you can get one of the non-odor ones.”  I assumed (lots of assuming going on) that they would just smell like bones and I don’t really mind that smell, so I was like, “No, I don’t care about the smell.” Plus, I didn’t take the time to sniff it before I put it in the bag.

Today I thought I’d give it to Jack.  So, I pulled it out of the bag and realized the smell was kind of god awful.  Still though, I thought if he likes it, it’s OK.  After he’s nibbled on it for awhile, I’ll put it away.  I’m a curious one, so while he was chewing on it I googled, “bully sticks.”  Everything was positive and said how good they are for the dog, all natural, last a long time.  And then I saw what they actually are. Holy shit, I was not prepared for this!  Are you ready?  They are, in fact, not bones. Nope. They are…. BULL PENISES!  OH MY GOD!  Why is my cute, sweet, innocent dog chewing and licking a bull penis?  Can someone please explain to me why this has happened?  The worst part is that every time I smell it, I think of a bull penis. And when I went to put it away… Yep, bull penis.

I really don’t even want to know how these “sticks” came to be.  If they are indeed good for him, I will let him do what he wishes with the stick.  I’m disturbed though. Very, very disturbed.

A Day in the Life

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Do you ever wonder what a day in the life of someone else is like?  I hear about some people’s days and I want to kill myself.  In case you were curious (not that you were, but just in case), here is what my day today was like.  Of course, everyday is different depending on whether I have a trip, am on babysitting duty, etc.

3:15am (yeah, I’m starting it early):  Jack jumps onto our bed.  Normally, we don’t let him come up until our alarms go off, but the night before Rob called him up at 2:00am thinking it would help him sleep.  Uhhhh not a good habit.  He may only weigh 16 pounds, but he has this way of elongating his body which leaves me about two inches of bed to sleep on.  Anyway, I let him stay and am awake until after 4:00am because I can’t figure out how to get comfortable without squashing him.

6:00am: My alarm goes off.  No, I don’t have anywhere to be that early, but I like getting stuff done in the morning, having breakfast with Rob, etc.  Plus, I’m asleep by like 10:00pm, so I’ve had plenty of sleep by then.

6:15am: Rob and I hang in the office looking at emails, stalking people on Facebook, etc. while we drink our coffee.

6:40am: Whip up healthy breakfast smoothie in the Vitamix complete with spinach, kale, apple, banana, flax seeds and raw protein powder.

7:00am: Rob takes Jack for a walk while I clean up breakfast and get Jack’s food ready.  Remember, the little snob requires a small amount of wet food mixed with his dry food.

7:15am: Make bed, brush teeth and make a to-do list for the day.

8:00am: Rob leaves for work.  I do some training with Jack and then get my yoga bag ready.

8:45am: Leave for yoga.

8:55am: Arrive at yoga, practice yoga, rinse off after yoga and drive home from yoga.

11:10am: Kiss Jack a ridiculous amount of times when he greets me at the door, throw my nasty yoga clothes and towel into the laundry, spend some time with the cat (I know, it’s obvious I’m neglecting her).

11:30am: Eat lunch and guzzle water like there’s no tomorrow (remember all the sweating at yoga).

Noon: Spend some more time on the computer, clean the cat’s litter box, vacuum the basement, start a load of wash because I now have a couple of day’s worth of disgusting yoga clothes.

1:00pm: Dust upstairs, mop the kitchen floor and play with Jack for a bit in the backyard.

1:45pm: Take Jack for his afternoon walk.

2:10pm: Take a shower (yes, I procrastinated this today).

3:00pm: Sit down to watch Ellen and decide against it when I get embarrassed for an audience member.  Quick detour… Ellen plays this game called ‘Know or Go’ where people have to answer questions.  If they get them wrong, they fall through this hole.  (It’s really fun to watch most of the time).  Chick today was asked to list 5 words that mean the same thing as the word big.  She froze up completely and then she said, “Shawshank Redemption.”  What the fuck?

3:15pm: Mailman arrives.  I have been waiting for a check , so I rush out to the mailbox.  Check has arrived!

3:25pm: Drive to the bank and deposit said check.  Stop at the gas station to fill up my ginormous gas tank (ginormous… there’s another word for big, you idiot!).

3:45pm: Sit down to write this blog.

Obviously the day is not over.  I’m hoping it ends with a nice dinner date with my husband and some snuggle time as a family with Kitty and Jack.

Something from The Mr.

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I have no idea if Rob (“The Mr.”) is going to be OK with this, but does it really matter?  Every once in awhile he types up an Onion-type news article.  If you’re not familiar with The Onion, GET FAMILIAR!  It’s a fake news cast (online) that is amazingly well done and absolutely hysterical.  Rob and I always talk about how fun it would be to write for them.  Here’s one of his “stories,” short but perfect.  Oh, but before we get to that, please make sure you’re checking out the ‘daily observations’ tab at the top left of the page.  I post something there every single god damn day. Today’s will be there shortly.

Local Weather Guy Nails the Seven Day

A party broke out at WKYN television after a bored intern figured out that- aside from last Thursday’s shower and a few degrees here and there- their weather guy had pretty much accurately predicted the last seven days of weather.

“She’s right,” gasped Meteorologist Stan Martin after cross-checking the information.  “I can’t believe it.  I got ‘em all right!” he shouted to the crew.  “That cold front I predicted was just a stab in the dark.”

“What are the chances?” muttered the General Manager as he ordered pizza for everyone.  “What are the chances?”

The Things You Do for Love

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Remember that guy I’ve mentioned before named Rob?  You know, my husband of seven and a half years who farts so loudly in the middle of the night that he wakes himself up?  Yeah, that one.  Well, he continues to entertain me in ways that some might not find entertaining.  In fact, some might find them downright disgusting. Tell me which side of the fence you’re on.

First, he has this really bad habit of wearing his leather watch band while he’s riding the spin bike.  Listen, the dude sweats when he rides the bike.  And, in case you didn’t know and don’t want to try figuring it out on your own, sweat on leather smells like pure ass.  In other words, it’s a very bad combo.  What’s super nasty (and annoying) about the whole thing is that he does it over and over and over and over (and over) again.  And every time he’s like, “Uh oh, you’re going to be mad.  I left my watch on again.”  Then, he asks me to smell it.

After I refuse to smell it, he tells me like a hundred times how bad it stinks.  Then, he decides he’s going to try washing the smell out.  Ok, that’s good.  Not good? Using his foot brush to wash it.  His foot brush is the one he uses to clean his fungus toenails.  I mean he has pretty much cleared up the fungus with the anti-fungal ointment, but this still seems like a bad idea.  I try not to even comment anymore when he comes out of the bathroom and announces, “I cleaned my watch with the foot brush.”

Remember, this is a man who is beyond talented.  He has like 12 Emmy’s to his name, rides a unicycle and plays the guitar.  Yet, he CAN’T REMEMBER TO TAKE HIS GOD DAMN WATCH OFF!  Sorry, a little outburst.  Oh, and the other week I saw something on the desk, the desk where he sits everyday.  I thought maybe it was just a crumb of something, so I picked it up.  That was when I realized it was not a crumb but a booger.  Yep, a rolled up booger.  Listen, everyone rolls and then flips their boogers.  Don’t deny it. Most of us flip them into the garbage or at least onto the floor though!  For hell sakes, follow through and make sure your booger is out of site!

So, this is what I deal with on a daily basis.  Obviously, I love him.

Candid Camera

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I was flipping through channels the other day and good ol’ Candid Camera was on.  It was old school and outdated in so many ways, but the concept of Candid Camera is still awesome.  I mean it’s hilarious!  Sometimes I wish I could pull off the kind of stuff they do on the show, but I can’t.  I can’t because I always think what I’m about to say or do is so funny that I bust up part way through whatever it is I’m trying to pull off.  Like, for example, at Witches Night Out (an annual event every Halloween), I tried standing outside of stores and telling people as they entered, “Everything in the store is half off” or “everything is buy one get one free.”  Except I would crack up immediately and people would just stare at me like, who is this idiot and why does she think she’s so funny?

Last night I was on the other end of it, and I have to say the guy trying to pull it off should totally look into acting if he hasn’t already.  We were at an Indian restaurant (Indian food is amazing, isn’t it?!) to which we’d received a gift card for Christmas. We were finishing up and pulled the gift card out and set it on the table.  One of the servers saw it and was like, “That card isn’t good anymore.”

Me:  “What do you mean it’s not good anymore?”

Turbin-headed server:  “You had to use it by December 31st.”

Me:  “But we just received it for Christmas.”

Server:  “Right, but they aren’t good after the 31st.”

Me:  “It has $40 on it though.  We just got it.”

Server:  “It says it in the card in the envelope it came in.”

Me:  “No, it doesn’t.  Rob, get the envelope out.”

Server:  “I’m just kidding.  That would be crazy.  We couldn’t do that.”

What the hell was that?  He then proceeded to snicker quite a bit and was soooo amused with himself.  He almost lost his tip because of it, but we were high on coconut kurma, so we gave him 20%.

Oh, and here’s something that should be on a prank show…. There was a dude on the freeway last week driving a vehicle that had large promotional text all over it that said, “Heating and Plumbing, Astrology and Hypnotist.”  I think I nearly wrecked making sure I’d read it right.  It really said that though.  And then it had a picture of a wizard and the guy’s name was Merlin something.  Now that’s what I call sticking to what you’re good at while also pursuing your dreams.  Plus, it might work.  Merlin comes to fix the drain and while the solution is soaking, he hypnotizes you and reads your tarot cards.  Amazing!

The End is Near

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It’s hard to believe that 2011 is coming to an end in just a couple of days.  I’m pretty sure that at the end of every year I’m like, “Where did the year go?  What did I even do?”  That’s probably not a good thing, right?  I mean I did do things.  As a matter of fact, I did some big things at the end of the year.  I took a leap of faith and quit my job, and we finally got brave enough to adopt a dog.  A dog, that I’m fairly positive, is the most loved dog on the planet.

A look back on blogs from the year kind of makes it look like my life is full of big laughs and good times.  I guess that’s kind of true.  Here are some of my favorites:

  • Adventures at the HOA, where anything can happen during a camping weekend.
  • My grandma tried to sell me her shoes (the ones on her feet, remember), which is so awesome.

I hope to see you all back here in 2012!  That’s my New Year’s resolution for you all, after all… That you’ll read my blog faithfully and tell all of your friends how much you love it.  God, I’m shameless.

Hope for All

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Remember my mother’s shitty texting?  If not, you can read all about it here.  I would like to report that my mom has worked very hard and is now texting whole sentences.  Plus, she’s using a crazy amount of punctuation!  Previously her response to my text would be, “K”  Now, she’s like, “Ok!”  The full sentences (like multiple sentences in one text) are blowing my mind.  I am over-the-top impressed. If you feel like you’ve lost all hope for a loved one with texting dysfunction, don’t give up.

Christmas is the season of perpetual hope, right?  That’s what the mom on “Home Alone” said anyway.  Is it sad that I still love that movie?  I was so stoked when Stevie wanted to watch it.  She probably quickly regretted it when she realized I still know every line and before every scene I’m like, “Oh, this is a good part.  This is so funny what he does to the the bad guys.”  As a child my dad got really mad at me when I insisted on saying every line right before the character on the movie said it. I couldn’t help that my memory was amazing.

Anyway, back to the hope thing.  Here are the items currently on my “hope” list (in no particular order).  I hope:

1. that the air will clear up so that it’s possible to breathe when taking my dog for a walk

2. that Jack and Kitty can figure out how to live in the same house (not on separate floors)

3. that my sister and her husband can go on a date soon (yes, I’ll babysit!)

4.that Stevie will have better health in the coming year

5. that there will be world peace… ok, this one is a long shot

I’m sure there are more “hopes” on my list, but I don’t want to sound hopey.  Get it?  Like needy but with hope?  Terrible, I know.  Well, here’s hoping (or would it be wishing?) you all a happy holiday season!

Family Planking

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I pictured myself having all kinds of time to dedicate to this blog when I left my “regular” job over a month ago.  My vision was obviously way off, but I am committed to getting back on the blogging bandwagon.  Aren’t you stoked?!  Today’s blog is my first step.

Of course, my top priority is my family.  I spent a week in Chicago with my niece, Stevie, trying to find some answers.  Unfortunately her health took a nosedive on the trip and she ended up spending an additional week in the PICU.  If you pray, pray for her and her family.  If you “think” about people and keep them in your thoughts, keep Stevie top of mind.  She needs all the good energy you can muster.

Rob and I also have a new baby at our house.  Ok, not a real baby.  We got a dog! His name is Jack, and I seriously love him like a ridiculous amount.  I loved him this much right out of the gate.  How could I not?  Look how cute he is! The bad news is that the cat doesn’t feel the same way. We’re trying, but as of right now, they have to be separated.  And sadly, Jack doesn’t dare go downstairs and the cat doesn’t dare come upstairs.  I hope that they can, at the very least, be indifferent towards each other.  How else are we supposed to enjoy the holidays together as a family?

Oh, and speaking of the holidays, a celebration with friends the other night was off the hook!  (Am I jumping from subject to subject?  It happens when you blog once a month).  The kids were all serious at the restaurant table while the adults decided to give planking a try.  And I’m not talking just regular ol’ planking.  I’m talking taking planking to a new level.  As in we stacked people on top of other people.  See for yourself below.  We do this Christmas dinner once a year, but I have to say that this year was absolutely positively the best yet.  I guess that can happen when you get a bunch of really good, really fun people together.

The Cat Drama Continues

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Remember the whole cat fiasco?  If not, you can find it here.  In addition to the vet’s office robbing us, they also neglected to apprise us of the possible side effects of steroid injections. Shortly after the steroid shot I noticed that Kitty’s litter box seemed to be filling up much quicker than normal.  Much quicker as in it looked as if she was peeing and pooping all day long.  She was also eating every morsel of her food and drinking every drop of her water.  When she was finished pigging out, she would move her food and water dishes around making it look as if she got pissed when she realized it was all gone and started throwing them.  Yes, side effects include, but are not limited to, increased thirst, appetite, urination and aggression.

So not only has this little creature cost us a shit ton of money, but she’s now costing me a shit ton of time.  I am cleaning the litter box almost every single god damn day.  And it’s not like I just have to clean out the box itself.  I also have to sweep up all the litter that she has managed to throw out of the box onto the floor.

Oh, and litter is now all over our house.  Now that she spends a large portion of her day in the litter box, she leaves traces of litter wherever she lays.  Luckily she’s not allowed on the upstairs furniture.

She’s allowed pretty much everywhere else though.  Last night she was laying on Rob’s lap and I noticed little pieces of litter all over his leg.  Then I noticed wet spots on the couch and realized she was drooling like a son of a bitch.  God, steroids and old age do not look good on her.

Here she is not in the litter box, clearly not wanting her photo taken.